HOW TO GET THROUGH A SORRY STATE OF AFFAIRS.Byline: DAVE BARRY For the English musician, see . David Barry, Jr. (born July 3, 1947) is a bestselling American author and Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist who wrote a nationally syndicated column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. I got to thinking about courtesy the other day when a woman hit me with her car. I want to stress that this was totally my fault. I was crossing a street in Miami, in a pedestrian crosswalk, and I saw the woman's car approaching, and like a total idiot I assumed she would stop. The reason I assumed this - you are going to laugh and laugh - is that there was a stop sign facing her, saying (this is a verbatim ver·ba·tim adj. Using exactly the same words; corresponding word for word: a verbatim report of the conversation. adv. quote) ``STOP.'' I don't know Don't know (DK, DKed) "Don't know the trade." A Street expression used whenever one party lacks knowledge of a trade or receives conflicting instructions from the other party. what I was thinking. In Miami it is not customary to stop for stop signs. The thinking in Miami is, if you stop for a stop sign, the other motorists will assume that you are a tourist and therefore unarmed, and they will help themselves to your money and medically valuable organs. For the same reason, Miami drivers do not interpret traffic lights the same way as normal humans do. This is what a traffic light means to a Miami driver: GREEN: Proceed YELLOW: Proceed Much Faster RED: Proceed While Gesturing So anyway, there I was, Mr. Stupid Head, expecting a Miami motorist to stop for a stop sign, and the result was that she had to slam on Verb 1. slam on - apply carelessly; "slap some paint onto the wall" clap on, slap on apply, put on - apply to a surface; "She applied paint to the back of the house"; "Put on make-up!" her brakes, and I had to leap backward like a character in a rental movie on rewind re·wind tr.v. re·wound , re·wind·ing, re·winds 1. To wind again or anew. 2. To reverse the winding of (recording tape or camera film). n. 1. The act or process of rewinding. , and her car banged into my left knee. I was shaken, but fortunately I remained calm enough to remember what leading medical authorities advise you to do if you are involved in an accident. ``Punch the car,'' they advise. So I did. I punched the car, and I pointed to the stop sign, and, by way of amplification, I yelled ``THERE'S A STOP SIGN!'' The woman then rolled down her window and expressed her deep remorse as follows: ``DON'T HIT MY (UNLADYLIKE WORD) CAR, YOU (VERY UNLADYLIKE WORD)!'' I should have yelled a snappy Snappy - Snappy Video Snapshot comeback, such as: ``OH YEAH? WELL NOW, IN ADDITION TO MY KNEE, MY HAND HURTS!'' But before I could think of anything, she was roaring away, no doubt hoping to get through the next intersection while the light was still red. The thing is, at the time I didn't think this incident was in any way remarkable. I had no doubt that people all over America were shouting bad words This article is about the CSI episode. For the colloquial term, see Profanity. Bad Words is the nineteenth episode from the of the popular American forensic crime drama , which is set in Las Vegas, Nevada. and coming to blows with each other's cars. It wasn't until two days later that I began thinking that maybe we could all be a little more courteous. What got me thinking this was England. I went there to attend a wedding in a scenic area called Gloucestershire (pronounced ``Wooster'') near a lovely little town called Chipping Campden (tourism motto: ``We've Got Your Sheep''). I'm not saying that the English are perfect. Their electrical fixtures look and function like science-fair projects; their plumbing apparently was designed thousands of years before the discovery of water. The English aren't better than us in every way. But they are definitely more courteous. It seems as though every time an English person Noun 1. English person - a native or inhabitant of England England - a division of the United Kingdom Brit, Britisher, Briton - a native or inhabitant of Great Britain Englishman - a man who is a native or inhabitant of England comes even remotely close to being an inconvenience to anybody, he or she says ``Sorry!'' Often this causes the other person to say ``Sorry!'' for having been in a position to cause the first person to say ``Sorry!'' This may trigger reflex cries of ``Sorry!'' from random passersby, thereby setting off the legendary Chain Reaction of Sorrys, which sometimes does not stop until it reaches Wales Wales, Welsh Cymru, western peninsula and political division (principality) of Great Britain (1991 pop. 2,798,200), 8,016 sq mi (20,761 sq km), west of England; politically united with England since 1536. The capital is Cardiff. . I'm pretty sure that the queen, when she's knighting somebody, taps him with her sword and says: ``Sorry!'' Wouldn't it be nice if we had more of that spirit here? Wouldn't it be pleasant if we tried a little courtesy, instead of shooting each other over trivial provocations? Wouldn't it be wonderful if, when we irritated ir·ri·tate v. ir·ri·tat·ed, ir·ri·tat·ing, ir·ri·tates v.tr. 1. To rouse to impatience or anger; annoy: a loud bossy voice that irritates listeners. each other, we said ``Sorry!'' and THEN shot each other? At least it would be a start! In fact, I'm going to start right here and now. I'm going to address the end of my column to the woman who hit me with her car, in case she's reading this: Whoever you are, I am sincerely sorry that I impeded your progress through the stop sign. And I am even MORE sorry that I hit your car with my fist. It should have been a hammer. MEMO: Dave A file sharing program from Thursby Software Systems, Inc., Arlington, TX (www.thursby.com) that allows a Macintosh to share files with a PC. Designed specifically for and needing installation only on the Mac, DAVE works with Microsoft's native SMB/CIFS file sharing protocols and uses Barry's column appears on Sundays. Write to him care of Tropic magazine, the Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla. 33132. |
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