HOW I SPENT MY FANTASY VACATION.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

I paid five bucks and waited in line about a half hour - behind this older woman wearing a Butch Goring sweater that smelled fairly authentic - just so I could get my picture taken kissing Lord Stanley's Cup.

I briefly considered lifting the 35-pound ``Holy Grail of Hockey'' and hoisting it over my head - that's never been done in L.A. - but I was given a stern look by the lady with the Polaroid.

Swapping spit with the piece of steel seemed the best option.

I stood right behind the boards and watched the ``Miracle On Ice'' team from 1980 face a bunch of NHL alums on this small-scale rink made of real ice. That they skated to a 12-12 tie wasn't a surprise. The real miracle was that NHL alumnus Jim Fox didn't blow out his knee again.

I got a free autograph from Ricky Martin. You know, the guy who played 11 seasons in the NHL with the Kings and Sabres, was in seven All-Star Games and scored 384 goals. Who'd you think I meant?

I was about to spend $12 to get an autographed photo of Gump Worsley from one of the booths that was selling all kinds of memorabilia. But then I asked myself, ``Don't I have enough Gump Worsley stuff at home already?'' I passed.

I got a free bobblehead doll just for filling out a credit-card application. I'm almost positive I won't qualify. The doll is already shaking his head no.

I put on some roller blades and listened to a guy with a whistle try to tell me how to skate backward like a real defenseman. Then he tried to tell me how to accelerate forward like a winger. I ended up stationary like a goalie.

I bought a USC hockey T-shirt for $15, even though the price tag said it was $8.50 from the student store, because I knew the extra dough was going to the team. Whatever helps the cause.

I saw a $165 replica sweater of what the Kings' Jaroslav Modry will wear this afternoon. I noticed it was No. 4. He wears No. 44. I was beginning to question its authenticity. Maybe if I had that new credit card that I won't get I'd consider buying it.

I walked by the ESPN radio booth where Doug Krikorian was doing a live show. He snarled at me. Just as well. He had nothing free to give out. But the problem is you have to walk past him to get to the food line. That figures.

I made a bid at the ``Hockey Fights Cancer'' online charity auction for the opportunity to become an ``Honorary Duck'' with that team in Anaheim. I'm not sure what that entails, but it had to be worth a shot since not many were bidding on it. I doubt I'll win. Or that the Ducks will anytime soon, either.

I heard a few songs from a group called Birthday Suit. Not to be confused with Barenaked Ladies.

I took a slap shot at a fake goalie. I aimed five-hole. I went just too high. But I could tell the fake goalie was in some pain.

I sat on a real Zamboni without feeling violated.

I got a free poster for the upcoming movie ``Slap Shot 2,'' even though I probably won't see it because Steven Baldwin is the lead actor. And the Hansen Brothers don't look that young anymore.

Other than that, I couldn't find anything interesting to do Friday at the NHL All-Star FANtasy event at the L.A. Convention Center. Maybe I was missing something.