HOW'S 3 FOR A BUCK SOUND?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

For Pete's sake, what are we supposed to do with all these crates of cardinal-and-gold ``3-Pete'' T-shirts? Burn `em, just like another USC timeout?

--Who, aside from every dirt-orange armadillo within a 1,000-mile radius of Amarillo, thinks its worth messin' with a recount in the Heisman Trophy vote now?

--Does Cal Tech have any sort of calibration device that could have measured the vortex of that black hole created between Vince Young and any one of the USC's defensive backs who had the honor of escorting him into the end zone?

--Has Lawrence Jackson make a tackle yet?

--Instant replay in college football, pro or con?

How about just a regular, old TV set in the booth in case there's one of them malfunctions with the computer system?

--Who is Brad Walker, and why was this freshman wearing No. 48 in the game and trailing Reggie Bush into the end zone when he suddenly found a lateral heading toward his ankles?

--If that Texas-USC game wasn't compelling enough to keep President Bush from nodding off, then what is?

--Does it take any of the sting away when you realize that since midway through 2002, USC has a 45-2 record, and both losses are by just three points?

--Think more people actually saw Matthew McConaughey at the Rose Bowl than sat through any one of his movies?

--Time to finally tuck in Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden for their long winter's nap?

--When does the Astro Bluebonnet Bowl finally kick off?

--If Notre Dame could have tied Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl, would Brady Quinn have compared it to kissing A.J. Hawk's girlfriend?

--How long before Marv Levy has the Buffalo Bills back to losing Super Bowls?

--When did Al Davis change the Raiders' team motto to ``Commitment to Ex-Coaches''?

--How is it that no one has ever dropped-kicked Doug Flutie?

--Would it behoove the Lakers or Clippers to make at least one more half-hearted effort at getting Ron Artest, if only to keep him away from Golden State or any other desperate team in the Pacific Division?

--Can we assume that the wrist surgery Jeff Kent needs wasn't as a result of too much slapping his teammates on the back last season?

--If the Dodgers do land David Wells, how do they tow him to shore?

--Has Brad Childress' ship finally come in with the Vikings' head job?

--Which came first, Luc Robitaille starting to score goals, or the Kings starting to win games again?

--What would baseball have been like without Rod Dedeaux?

--What's the ETA for pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training? And is Derek Lowe booking a single or king-sized bed at the Vero Beach Super 8?