HORSE RACING: Punters' panto will leave us all feeling Hardup.
THE season so far has been a pantomime for racing's ruling bodies the Jockey Club and BHB.
So in the proper festive spirit I feel it only fair that some of the leading players in the farces that have had us alternately foaming with fury then calling for the incontinence pants get parts in my - very loose - Christmas stage adaptation of Mike Leigh's Secrets And Lies.
Okay, I know there is no obvious link but the odious Jeffrey Archer is a shoe- in for producer.
Why? Just because he's such a horrible little man and besides, who would have a better handle on the qualities needed?
Baron Hardup will played on different nights by the members of the BHB who did a superb piece of method acting when they tried to screw newspapers over their coverage of racecards.
If Noddy Holder lends Willie - am I really Scottish? - Carson a pair of his old Slade platform boots the wee man might just stretch to one of the Seven Dwarves.
Or alternately the Beeb's tiny groveller could use the extra inches to climb even further into the establishment's back pocket.
Cheating jocks Graham Bradley and Dermot Browne are certs for the Ugly face of racing Sisters.
Think of their conniving to basicallydo punters out of their hard-earned and it would make you weep that a diamond like Aidrian Maguire has quit.
The Jokey Club's reaction to the Beeb's Kenyon Confronts report and their subesequent glaring inadequacies should at least guarantee senior steward Christopher Spence a final audition for the chicken- hearted lion in the Wizard of Oz .
All posturing and preening but scared of his own shadow.
And pluck any of the JC buffoons who sanctioned the paltry fines on Ferdy Murphy and Jamie Osborne to play Wishee Washee - great at doing the dirty laundry behind closed doors.
Finally, the entire ensemble of the Morning Line can play the bag of beans in Jack and the Beanstalk.
Watching a bag of beans would be more fun than listening to their drivel.
With so many bigheads I'll call in Clint Eastwood as special advisor. After all, he starred in Where Egos Dare!
EAT your heart out time. My mate Pete from Motherwell trousered three grand last weekend for a pounds 1 Lucky 15 - Cenkos (6-1), Gunner Welburn (11-4), Spirit Leader (9-2) and Prokofiev (9-1).
Remember your pals, Pete!
GOT a query? Write to Joe Punter, Sunday Mail Sport, One Central Quay, Glasgow G3 8 DA or e-mail email@example.com