HOPELESS GRIDLOCK THE LAW IN L.A.

Byline: Frank Coffey Local View

THE holiday season is upon us, and for anyone living in Los Angeles, this means two things: gridlock, human and vehicular.

In an attempt to provide solace (there are no remedies) to my fellow sufferers, I offer The Laws of Motion in Los Angeles. These natural laws, describing a manifestly unintelligent design, will probably not help you get anywhere faster or cause the lines you are moldering in to move any quicker. But they will help you understand why you can't get anywhere and why your line isn't moving, which is the next best thing.

The Law of Declining Spaces: The moment you enter a parking facility, large or small, the percentage of empty spots will plummet by 50 percent and continue to diminish at a minimum rate of 20 percent per minute - meaning if upon entering the formal parking area you aren't ensconced within, say, 90 seconds, you might as well go home.

The Traffic Law: Persons incapable of correctly operating a motor vehicle will do so to your immediate front. A closely related corollary here, The Law of Futile Anger, states that horn-blaring, profane imprecations and/or aggressive gesticulations will do little to improve the situation, and may even cause real-time events to further deteriorate.

The Law of Lines: Your Ralphs/Albertsons/Trader Joe's/Ross Dress for Less, Home Depot or Big Lots cash-out line will always proceed more slowly than any of the surrounding lines - which you aren't in. Should you decide to change lines, your new line will, naturally, come to an abrupt halt.

The Law of Inverse Haste: In the unlikely event that you find yourself walking (commonly, walking occurs on sidewalks after exiting an automobile or in malls), the pedestrians in front of you will want to walk slower. Anyone ahead of him or her will go slower still. Conversely, anyone behind you will want to go faster, and the people behind them - well, you get the idea.

The Law of Perverse Probability: The farther you have to travel to look for somebody or something, the less likely it is that he, she or it will be there. Conversely, it's a sure bet, he, she or it will be there, if you decide to look someplace else first.

The Law of Tardy Departures: No matter how early you depart for your business meeting, lunch date or commute, you will be late. A corollary here, The Law of Disappointments, states that your chronic belatedness will cause lost financial opportunities, impaired friendships and employment issues.

The Freeway Law: Upon entering a freeway, traffic will stop. This tendency is absolute and does not vary with time of day, day of week or particular freeway. A corollary here, The Law of Futile Action, posits that should you ingeniously manage to exit a freeway, you will promptly join hordes of your fellow Angelenos idling on impenetrable surface streets.

This is the extent of my research to date. On a personal note, the author wishes to apologize for the delayed publication of this article (originally scheduled for fall 2004). Unfortunately The Law of Collision Encouragement proved to be prescient. The author has beautifully recovered from his wounds and has secured the services of a top-notch personal injury lawyer.

So, you see, sometimes The Laws of Motion can work, albeit slowly, to one's advantage.

Happy holidays and good luck!