HEY KIDS, LET'S PARTY : THINK SIMPLE FETE CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO BIG BASH? SURPRISE.

Byline: Janet Weeks Daily News Staff Writer

For her daughter Stephanie's fourth birthday, Heather Marshall threw a party in the back yard of her home in the Studio City hills - just your average cake-and-pointy-hats affair for 75 with a few interesting twists.

Like a rented petting zoo complete with a cow. And a hired clown. And an 8-month-old African elephant borrowed from friends in the entertainment industry.

Are children's birthday parties out of control?

``Absolutely,'' says Marshall, laughing. ``And I'm the queen of it.''

Guests at Stephanie's big bash reacted strongly to her mother's over-the-top party planning. Kids loved it. Parents hated it. After all, the pony rides at Griffith Park just won't cut it after the kids have been up close and personal with Dumbo.

That's why this year, for her son Michael's eighth birthday, Marshall chose a much simpler plan: A hike through Coldwater Canyon Park led by an educator from the environmental group TreePeople.

Marshall, like many parents, says she has taken herself out of the race to throw the most whopping birthday party on the block. She still wants to mark the major milestones in the lives of her cherished children, but now wonders who benefits most from a lavish party, parents or kids.

Not every parent can afford a major shindig with hired entertainment, a catered lunch, elaborate parting gifts and decorations that would shame a Rose Parade entry. Even with a modest guest list, that kind of fete can add up to $500 or more.

Yet in many '90s neighborhoods, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and dessert a la Betty Crocker cake mix just won't cut it anymore.

Is there a happy medium?

Professional party planners answer with a resounding ``yes.'' They say simple celebrations within the reach of any family budget can be just as special - if not more - than grandiose galas.

The keys to a successful party, these experts say, are good planning, imagination and certain fearlessness.

Parents are the best entertainers - even if they can afford a professional Barney ($165 for 90 minutes), an Astro-Jump ($75 a day) or pony rides ($180 for one hour), says Shari Ann Pence of Riverside, author of ``Games Galore for Children's Parties and More'' (Funcastle Publications; $9.95).

Parents and kids benefit when adults participate in the party, she says. And entertaining parents know exactly what makes their children happy. Hired help can sometimes inadvertently frighten a birthday girl or boy. And shy children sometimes shrivel when brought into the limelight of a clown or magician's act.

Also, parents who helm a party themselves are challenged to think about a child's interests and select activities with them in mind, creating a party unique to the child, says Vicki Overstreet, author of ``Great Parties for Kids'' (Williamson Publishing; $10.95).

``You can get caught up in one-upmanship,'' she says. ``But step back and say, `What am I really doing here? What would my child really enjoy? How can I make this party different from the dozens of others my child will attend?' ''

Of course, not every parent is capable of entertaining tots, and not every parent wants to try. Indeed, many prefer the role of overseer.

Susan Hanigan of Encino says she always plans a birthday party for her daughter, 6, and son, 4. And it's always some place other than home. Past locations have included a bowling alley and an arts-and-crafts studio.

``I wouldn't enjoy it at home,'' she said. ``I'd be a nervous wreck.''

Hanigan says one reason she keeps up the birthday tradition is that she fears she'll regret it later if she doesn't throw a bash every year.

``I figure they're only going to be little once. Pretty soon, they're not going to want parties.''

Shawn Carvalho of Van Nuys held her daughter Jillian's fourth birthday party recently at Paint N Fun ceramics studio in Tarzana. She says she prefers the ease of the away-from-home party over more games-oriented backyard gigs, in part because games create camps of winners and losers.

``I like structure, but I like no pressure to do this or do that,'' she says.

Pence, however, says there are plenty of kids games that are fun and simple and end with everyone winning. In fact, almost all of the 80 games and activities in her book have no winners or losers.

Both Pence and Overstreet also recommend keeping a party age-appropriate. Two-year-olds, for example, are too young for even a simple activity like hot potato, whereas 7-year-olds love the updated version of that game, which Pence calls ``smelly gym socks.''

Noise levels need to be considered, too. Marshall says her decision to opt for the TreePeople EcoBirthday hike was reinforced recently when she attended a big whoop-de-do at a friend's house.

``They had nine members of the UCLA marching band to play for their 2-year-old son,'' she says. ``When the band started up, he burst into tears.''

Studio City psychologist Kerby Alvy, executive director of the Center for the Improvement of Child Caring, said birthday parties are important to school-age children, who often need their own special day of celebration. And if parents can afford to put on the birthday dog, why not?

``A birthday is recognition that you're a person,'' he says. ``They've always been big deals. Think back to what it felt like when you were 6 or 7 and your parents threw you a party. It was a wonderful acknowledgment that people loved you.''

Alvy suggests that parents who want to keep budgets down involve the children in the planning, laying out exactly how much different activities cost and what they can afford. That way, the child learns a lesson in economics and won't have unreal expectations about his or her party.

``These are the type of junctures at which it's important to show the reality of the family's financial situation,'' he says. ``Use the party for teaching the value of a dollar.''

A parent of two children ages 10 and 12, Alvy says he limits his daughters' guest lists to four or five close friends, which cuts down on costs and stress. Over-inviting is a common mistake, he says. Overstreet agrees.

``People don't know where to stop,'' she says.``They think they have to invite everyone the child's ever known. I've known people who have had barbecues for 75 people for a 1-year-old's birthday. It was too much excitement and tension. And if you're tense, it's passed off to the child.''

Keep it thematic, small, discreet Party planners say the trick to a successful children's birthday fete is simplicity paired with adequate preparation. Here are some tips from Vicki Overstreet, author of ``Great Parties for Kids,'' and Shari Ann Pence, author of ``Games Galore for Children's Parties and More'':

Begin planning at least two weeks in advance by choosing a central theme. Some theme ideas: a pirate scavenger hunt, a backyard camp out, a soccer party, an ``I-made-it-myself'' craft party, a parade party (for toddlers).

Include the birthday child in planning when possible.

Keep the guest list small. A good rule of thumb is to invite the number of children equal to your child's age plus one. Inviting more may draw attention away from the birthday child.

Unless you plan to include every child in class, pass out invitations in the neighborhood or through the mail to avoid hurt feelings.

Overstreet says, ``The best parties are short,'' and recommends setting aside one hour for children ages 2 through 6 (especially preschoolers who still nap) and two hours for older kids.

Goody bags filled with parting gifts are a staple of the '90s party. Experts, however, warn not to go overboard on the items inside. Stickers, candies, pencils and things that tie into the theme of the party fill the bill nicely.

For example, if you're having a pool party, consider inflatable beach balls, squirt guns or brightly colored zinc oxide sunscreen for face painting.

Games and activities should be age-appropriate. Toddlers, who have short attention spans, enjoy singing games, circle games and simple crafts such as crayons and Play-Doh.

Older kids might enjoy a creative version of the old water balloon toss, watermelon seed spitting contests, pie-eating contests, sack races, three-legged races and treasure hunts.

Pence says never use the words ``winners'' or ``losers'' and have plenty of consolation prizes on hand for all the runners-up.

Prepare for problems. Inevitably, a cranky child - even the birthday child - will cry at a party. Don't worry. It doesn't mean the party is flop, says Overstreet. ``Don't expect the day to go perfect. When does anything go perfect?''

Enlist help. Overstreet suggests delegating authority. Assign an uncle to take photos, a teen-age neighbor to supervise games, another parent to help hand out cake.

CAPTION(S):

6 Photos, Box

Photo: (1--Cover--Color) Shana Chapman, center, and her friends romp in an Astro-Jump set up for a birthday party at Lake Balboa.

(2--Color) Michael Marshall's eighth birthday party included a traditional cake and a hike in Coldwater Canyon Park.

(3--Color) Ready for a close look at the elements of nature, Michael, far left, tries out a magnifying glass as he and his party guests begin the hike through the park.

(4--Color) For her fourth birthday, Jillian Carvalho, left, and friends partied at Paint N Fun ceramics studio in Tarzana. Jillian's mother says she prefers the ease of the away-from-home party over more games-oriented backyard gigs.

(5--Color) Parents are the best entertainers at kids' parties, even if they can afford a $75-a-day Astro-Jump, says one children's fete author.

(6--Color) At her Paint N Fun party, Jillian Carvalho, left, tries out the karaoke microphone with help from 6-year-old Katie Hanigan, right, of Encino.

Evan Yee/Daily News

Box: For the small fry, less is more (See Text)