HEY, MAYBE YOU NEED AN NFL REFRESHER COURSE.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

What, not quite paying attention like you used to? Almost happened by accident? Be honest now.

Uncertain if Priest Holmes is where you go for confessional or 4 tough yards? If Jim Johnson is a top defensive coordinator or a guy fishing in the Florida Keys?

Hey, you're big and tough. The NFL always has been your sport. It's an identification thing. Where men are men. They play with broken arms in the NFL, they don't beg off with general soreness.

But ever so slowly, has your current knowledge of the game been slipping? Since the Rams and Raiders fled, has it taken just a tad more effort to keep current with the NFL?

Hey, you survived a season of Dennis Miller flaunting his intellectual superiority. You handled the Rams turning into world beaters for St. Louis.

You just can't handle losing your pulse on the NFL. So many things pulling you these days. It never was intentional. Listen, I understand. Here to help. All over this NFL thing.

So here is a handy-dandy NFL guide for the upcoming season. Keep it as a cheat sheet when you belly up, and no one will know L.A.'s team-less NFL years have started to catch up to you.

New and exciting stuff you need to know:

--That expansion team that was going to start play in the Coliseum? It's opening in Houston this year.

They call themselves the Houston Texans. For all you care, they could be the Oilers in drag. You don't like this team. You hope they don't win a game.

Remember, a healthy dislike for another team is the natural way of life in the NFL.

--Paul Tagliabue discovered a compass.

Actually, the league went through realignment when the Texans pushed the number of teams to 32. So kiss the Central Division goodbye, and give your warmest greetings to the North, South, West and East divisions.

The new divisions include such geographic wonders as Miami in the AFC East but Jacksonville in the AFC South. Dallas somehow remains in the NFC East. New England is in the AFC East and Baltimore in the North.

And it still makes more sense than the old alignment.

--Three teams are opening new stadiums (Texans, Lions and Patriots), three are going the new uniform route (Seahawks, Bills and Redskins) and seven teams (not counting Houston) brought in new coaches (Raiders, Colts, Panthers, Buccaneers, Chargers, Redskins and Vikings).

--It's been 80 years since the American Professional Football Association renamed itself the National Football League, 35 years since the ``Ice Bowl,'' 30 years since the ``Immaculate Reception'' and three years since Michael Ovitz said he would bring an expansion team to Carson ... or the Coliseum ... or Hollywood Park.

During the course of the season, you can act smug by boldly guaranteeing the following will happen:

1. Quarterback Tony Banks will be cut, picked up, cut again and picked up yet again, and end up starting somewhere. By October.

2. The Jacksonville Jaguars will upset the Indianapolis Colts in their season opener.

All real NFL experts know this. Since losing the first game they played, the Jaguars have won six consecutive season openers.

3. New Redskins coach Steve Spurrier will really tick off an opposing coach by running up the score. OK, so you knew this one.

4. They still won't get it right in Philadelphia, and at least one game will get messed over because of the NeXturf at Veterans Stadium.

5. Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will be the MVP.

6. Former UCLA running back DeShaun Foster will break down for the Panthers. Whoops, too late.

And the following are absolutely guaranteed not to happen this season:

1. John Madden will not ease his way into the Monday Night booth. Call it a hunch.

2. Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis will not announce he is secretly a woman and is retiring to do missionary work.

3. Brad Johnson and Rob Johnson will continue their quarterback battle in Tampa Bay throughout the season, so thoroughly confusing coach Jon Gruden that he promises never to wash his hair again.

4. Randy Moss and Terrell Owens will finish in a dead heat for receptions and running of the mouth, breaking Shannon Sharpe's heart.

5. The Texans will wish they had taken Joey Harrington instead of David Carr. And this will make you very happy.