HELL HATH NO APATHY LIKE AN L.A. SCORNED.

Byline: Brad Dickson Local View

AFTER 10 years of being rebuffed, refused and rejected, Los Angeles is suddenly the favorite son of the NFL (National Fickle League). Supposedly the league is considering putting not one but two teams in the L.A. area (tentatively one at the Coliseum, the other in Anaheim).

This is like having the girl who snubbed you throughout high school suddenly calling and proposing marriage. It's like France canceling Bastille Day in favor of Homage to America Day. It's similar to the Daytime Emmy people awarding every statuette to Susan Lucci.

If things go as NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is suggesting, Angelenos may have a deuce of NFL teams to ignore.

Never mind that a Daily News reader poll found a majority of locals wouldn't care to see two NFL teams in the area. I think the naysayers remember when the Raiders played here and the stands at home games resembled Parisian streets during the riots if the rioters occasionally paused to do The Wave.

But it seems to me the NFL's coming is a good thing.

Beginning with the boon to our economy. The average annual player's salary is $1.26 million, making players the rarest of the rare - people who can afford the median-price Los Angeles home. Those making the 10-year vets' minimum of $765,000 can live in Castaic or Lancaster and commute.

The NFL will bring in television revenue, souvenir loot and hordes of fans and employees who will shop in our stores, patronize our restaurants and ride the subway and the Metro Orange Line. (Note to our new players: When riding the Orange Line, leave your helmets and shoulder pads on - safety precaution.)

A quick note to our future franchise owners: If you move here from New Orleans, San Diego or some other market, you should realize Los Angeles is celebrity-driven. So if you want your team to pack in the fans, you'd best make your product appealing to celebrities. A huge part of the Lakers' allure is having Jack and Denzel in the house. If opening day of the NFL season dawns and the biggest names in the stadium are Carrot Top, Fred Travalena and Buffy from ``The Real World - Boise,'' you've failed.

And about that venue. Tagliabue said he'd like to see a state-of-the-art stadium at the site of the Coliseum. The goal, clearly, is getting Angelenos excited about the NFL. Ah, but we're a cynical bunch, Mr. Tagliabue. The only way we'd get excited about a football stadium is if the seats were made from artifacts found in King Tut's tomb. And it's going to be difficult getting the Egyptians to sign off on that one.

Actually a pair of NFL teams could do quite nicely here, as they'd have a near monopoly. We have the indoor-playing Avengers of the Arena League, but they're no competition for the fan dollar. Arena League games are contested in rooms the size of rap stars' kitchenettes (source - the show ``Cribs''), and defense is such an afterthought that final tallies resemble two people comparing credit scores.

A couple new sporting teams could even revive our beleaguered film industry. Nary a day goes by when a producer doesn't ask where the next Shaquille O'Neal (``Kazaam''), Rick Fox (``Eddie'') or O.J. Simpson (``Capricorn One''; ``Naked Gun,'' parts one through 12; Court TV) is coming from.

Bottom line: When the NFL does arrive - whether it's next week or in 2050, just as we're capturing Reggie the Alligator and getting the car-pool lane on the 405 - the league must acquiesce to us. We're a great city that feels strung along and played. We're in the driver's seat now. We'd be better off with football, but we don't need football.

We already have a major pro sports team that excels. It's called the Clippers.