HAVE NO FEAR, DADDY'S HERE; MORE MEN GETTING TOGETHER TO SWAP TIPS ON FATHERHOOD.

Byline: Jenifer Hanrahan Daily News Staff Writer

The men were all professionals: an entertainment lawyer, a chiropractor, a self-employed real-estate appraiser.

They would have felt at home talking about stocks or mergers, baseball or power tools.

But today, they fretted over potty training.

``I have a 3-1/2-year-old boy, and he just refuses,'' said Bruce Sallan, 43, sitting with his legs crossed on a bright blue mat as son Arnie scaled his back. ``He's so big, they don't make diapers that fit him.''

The fathers meet twice a month in Stephen S. Wise Temple's Early Childhood Center in West Los Angeles for a ``Daddy and Me'' class led by psychologist Jeff Marsh.

Wearing shorts and sneakers, the dads straggled in with unshaved faces, toting bottles and pacifiers, diaper bags and, of course, their kids for two hours of play and discussions about child development issues such as breast-feeding, spanking and thumb-sucking.

``In the past, men have typically been very absent because they define their role in the family as providers,'' said Marsh, who started the dads program about 15 years ago. ``Only recently has there been a real effort to redefine their roles in the family and find ways to get men actively involved with their children during the developmental years.''

Many YMCAs, recreational centers, synagogues, churches and hospitals offer parenting classes for mothers, such as the popular ``Mommy and Me'' program, but classes geared especially for dads are harder to find.

Still, there is some indication of increasing interest in dads classes. In recent years, more fathers show up on the weekends at Gymboree, which provides organized play and exercise for kids, said Kevin Cornelius, officer manager of the Sherman Oaks location.

About 10 dads signed up for a new twice-monthly ``Daddy and Me'' program at Valley Beth Shalom in Encino. But compare that to the dozens of mothers who fill as many as four ``Mommy and Me'' classes there every day.

In a room filled with tiny chairs and tables, brightly colored toys and padded mats, the dads at Stephen S. Wise Temple began with a free-for-all playtime, followed by a prayer and a snack of fruit, chocolate chip cookies and juice.

After the crumbs were cleared away, the dads arranged their beanbag chairs in a circle for a rap session as the kids, who ranged in age from a few months to about 4, amused themselves with blocks, plastic dishes and food, or climbing on dad.

The men asked questions and offered advice, cracked jokes and shared their concerns.

One dad reported his daughter had, for the first time, awakened in the middle of the night asking to go to the bathroom.

Another dad wondered why his daughter insisted on wearing only dresses with pockets that she stuffed with pacifiers.

Marsh explained the pacifier was a ``transitional object,'' a replacement for breast-feeding.

``Guys don't usually talk about this stuff,'' said Steven Perry, 37, of Calabasas.

While most mother-centered classes welcome fathers, dads grapple with emotional and parenting issues different from those of a mother, said Dr. Robert Moradi, a child psychologist who facilitates a ``Daddy and Me'' class at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

New fathers may feel inadequate. They may feel left out of the relationship between mother and child and resent the baby's intrusion. They may blame the baby for the loss of the intimate, exclusive relationship with their wives.

``Many fathers experience these feelings in isolation,'' Moradi said. ``The group provides a format for the fathers to realize many of these feelings are universal.''

Bert Camp, 48, of Calabasas cradled his 5-week-old daughter Taylor-Rae on his lap while Dillon, 2-1/2, entertained himself on cushioned climbing equipment.

Camp also has two teen-agers from a previous marriage. In part because of marital problems, Camp often stayed away from home, working late into the night and on weekends instead of spending time with his kids.

``I could work 24 hours a day,'' Camp said. ``I really wasn't involved, and I have a lot of guilt about that. I don't want to have the guilt with these two.''

Marc Karlin, 34, kept one eye on 23-month-old Jacob. Like many fathers, Karlin came to the class at the urging of his wife, who was enrolled in a ``Mommy and Me'' class. Interacting with other children helped him learn about child development - namely, that all children develop at their own pace.

``I'm learning not to worry as much about reaching mileposts in his development,'' Karlin said. ``As a lawyer, I saw everything in dates. Wasn't he supposed to be talking now? Was he walking enough? Coming here, I see the kids are all different. I was worried. I wanted to control the situation. Now I know I can guide, but I can't control.''

A different approach

While bonding between mother and child occurs even before the child is born, fathers may take longer to adjust to parenthood. Especially in the earliest stages of development, fathers tend to miss signs of development that would typically engage a mother, Marsh said.

Perry admits he has little interest in bringing along the newest addition to his family, his 6-week-old son.

``Mom is doing the breast-feeding and all that stuff to get close,'' he said. ``He can't show love or affection yet. All he does is lay there.''

On the whole, fathers interact with their children differently from mothers, Moradi said.

Fathers relate better to children who are running, jumping and speaking.

``Most guys will say, `I get bored playing with a baby,' '' Marsh said. ``They don't understand that they are teaching their child.''

Fathers tend to play more aggressively with the children, helping them develop coordination and agility.

Fathers will let a baby crawl on average twice as far as a mother before retrieving the baby, and they're more likely to let a child out of their sight.

And when a child confronts an unknown object or obstacle, such as a dog or a new toy, mothers tend to move closer, while fathers let the child explore more freely.

Both types of parenting contribute to the child's emotional growth, Moradi said.

Research shows that infants whose fathers took an active role in their care were less likely to cry when separated from a parent.

Quality time?

Perry logs up to 12 hours a day as a chiropractor. When he comes home, he might only see his 2-1/2-year-old, Laura, for a few minutes before her mother hustles her off to bed.

Many fathers are in a similar predicament. Working long hours, they want to be involved with their kids, but after a long day of meetings and stress, the last thing they feel like doing is playing.

The class solved this dilemma by giving Perry time to spend with his daughter when he can really relax and enjoy it, he says.

``The dad's traditional place of dealing with the kids is reprimanding them,'' Perry said. ``We want to be more than that.''

There is plenty of evidence that fathers play a vital role in a child's socialization.

Studies have shown that children with fathers who are ``emotionally available are more intelligent, have less psychological problems and have better peer relationships,'' Moradi said.

But why not simply take the child to the park or go for a walk?

``Many fathers don't know how to play with their children,'' Moradi said. ``When a father carries an unconscious resentment toward the child, it's hard to put that resentment aside and play freely with the child. This is a format where we introduce the child to their fathers, and they can get to know each other on a deeper level, get to know the other person's soul.''

The dads of a generation ago probably scoff at these concepts. But today's generations of fathers should take heed before patting themselves on the back for their new-found interest in parenting.

Despite lip service to the contrary, Marsh maintains that today's fathers are no more involved with the children than previous generations of fathers.

Marsh recalled the two fathers who came in bragging they never changed a diaper. In one case, the father paid a woman $50 to change a diaper while his wife was out. Another father showed up with a housekeeper, expecting her to take care of the child.

``I'm proud to say the other men in the group weren't happy about that,'' Marsh recalled with a chuckle.

CAPTION(S):

4 Photos

PHOTO (1) Dylan Paul, 3, climbs on his dad, Dan, during a ``Daddy and Me'' class at Stephen S. Wise Temple.

Myung J. Chun/Daily News

(2) Daniel Ben-Zvi, right, with son Joey, and fellow fathers Bruce Sallan, left, Barry Rosen and Michael Mikyska can share parenting tips and learn they're not alone at the ``Daddy and Me'' meetings.

Myung J. Chun/Daily News

(3) ``Daddy and Me'' leader Jeff Marsh shares a make-believe meal at Stephen S. Wise Temple with son, Andy, center, and Matthew Rosen.

(4 -- color) On the cover: Bert Camp, 48, of Calabasas with 5-week-old daughter Taylor-Rae.