HARSH REALITY YOU'RE NOBODY UNTIL YOU'RE ON UNSCRIPTED TV (P.S. THEN YOU'RE STILL NOBODY).Byline: David Kronke TV Critic People just can't help themselves: Put a TV camera in their faces and they're suddenly persuaded their words are of vital national interest, no matter how trivial their piffle. That's one of the most alluring aspects of reality television for its participants: Face time before cameras soaking up their every petty and idiotic quibble validates them in ways that society otherwise is critically incapable of doing. It's even worse when celebrities join the mix: They've already been conditioned to believe their every utterance is enthralling en·thrall tr.v. en·thralled, en·thrall·ing, en·thralls 1. To hold spellbound; captivate: The magic show enthralled the audience. 2. To enslave. , regardless of how empty. Hence the queasy collision between ersatz celebrities and allegedly unscripted programming has become a Valhalla for aficionados of kitsch and has-beens alike: The former appreciatively howl at the thoroughgoing boobery while the latter desperately scratch out minutes 16, 17 and 18. In the upcoming week, celebrities fairly hip-check wannabes out of the reality frame. (By the way, have the nobodies noticed that none of them has parlayed portrayals as twits and jerks for America's bemusement be·muse tr.v. be·mused, be·mus·ing, be·mus·es 1. To cause to be bewildered; confuse. See Synonyms at daze. 2. To cause to be engrossed in thought. into any other entertainment gigs lately?) Tonight, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie continue their Arkansas reign of terror Reign of Terror, 1793–94, period of the French Revolution characterized by a wave of executions of presumed enemies of the state. Directed by the Committee of Public Safety, the Revolutionary government's Terror was essentially a war dictatorship, instituted to in Fox's ``The Simple Life,'' playing sirens to the state's gullible young males - to the dismay of (well, everything's to the dismay of) their hosts. Then, Richie elevates her insouciant in·sou·ci·ant adj. Marked by blithe unconcern; nonchalant. [French : in-, not (from Old French; see in-1) + souciant, present participle of soucier, arrogance to Red Level 5 - severe - flying into an unmotivated rage. OK, we get it already: They're petulant, heartless girls with no business in America's heartland. Meanwhile, ABC's over-generously titled ``Celebrity Mole Yucatan'' returns tonight for more undercooked high jinks, such as batting at pinatas and wheedling whee·dle v. whee·dled, whee·dling, whee·dles v.tr. 1. To persuade or attempt to persuade by flattery or guile; cajole. 2. participants into skinny-dipping. All for apathy-inducing amounts of money - by next week's episode, they haven't even scratched together enough for an '80s-style cocaine binge of the sort stars enjoyed when many of the participants were last popular. Bewilderingly be·wil·der tr.v. be·wil·dered, be·wil·der·ing, be·wil·ders 1. To confuse or befuddle, especially with numerous conflicting situations, objects, or statements. See Synonyms at puzzle. 2. , Corbin Bernsen and Stephen Baldwin, who more or less torpedoed their serious careers in the previous series, return to revel again in their putative kookiness and are joined by NBA NBA abbr. 1. National Basketball Association 2. National Boxing Association NBA (US) n abbr (= National Basketball Association) → Basketball-Dachverband (= burnout Burnout Depletion of a tax shelter's benefits. In the context of mortgage backed securities it refers to the percentage of the pool that has prepaid their mortgage. Dennis Rodman, model Angie Everhart, comedian Mark Curry, VJ Ananda Lewis and washed-up kid stars Tracey Gold and Keshia Knight Pulliam Keshia Knight Pulliam (born April 9, 1979 in Newark, New Jersey, U.S.) is an Emmy Nominated African American actress. She is most recognized and remembered for her role as Bill Cosby's youngest daughter and child, Rudy Huxtable, on the NBC sitcom, for lukewarm, artificial confrontations and dithering Simulating more colors and shades in a palette. In a monochrome system that displays or prints only black and white, shades of grays can be simulated by creating varying patterns of black dots. This is how halftones are created in a monochrome printer. observations like, ``When I saw these giant pinatas, I was scared,'' and, ``It's like holding your breath underwater, this game.'' Contrast ``Mole'' to ``The Surreal Life,'' the WB's similar but far more formless, far more honest and far better-cast program, which returns for its own second go-round on Sunday. While ``Mole'' tiptoes around its participants' diminished status in the entertainment world, the WB specifically seeks out has-beens with a degree of ignominy IGNOMINY. Public disgrace, infamy, reproach, dishonor. Ignominy is the opposite of esteem. Wolff, Sec. 145. See Infamy. and wallows in their scandal or cheesiness. What a batty bunch: disgraced rapper Vanilla Ice, disgraced televangelist (and heavy Maybelline investor) Tammy Faye Messner Tamara "Tammy" Faye Messner (March 7, 1942 – July 20, 2007) was an American Christian singer, evangelist, entrepreneur, author, talk show host, and television personality. , portly pornographer Ron Jeremy, ``Baywatch'' brat Traci Bingham, cheerful ``CHiPster'' Erik Estrada and Trishelle Canatella, cast for her lascivious approach to men, alcohol and hot tubs alike in MTV's ``The Real World Las Vegas.'' An early subplot concerns Jeremy's bewildering be·wil·der tr.v. be·wil·dered, be·wil·der·ing, be·wil·ders 1. To confuse or befuddle, especially with numerous conflicting situations, objects, or statements. See Synonyms at puzzle. 2. attraction to Messner; it can only get more bizarre from there. Without ``Mole's'' stupid contests, bickering on ``Surreal'' burgeons in more organic, amusing and virulent ways. Last season, ``Surreal Life'' proved, via Corey Feldman's incessant sniveling sniv·el intr.v. sniv·eled or sniv·elled, sniv·el·ing or sniv·el·ling, sniv·els 1. To sniffle. 2. To complain or whine tearfully. 3. To run at the nose. n. 1. , that while stardom may fade, misguided self-importance prevails forever. This year, the producers recruited two Coreys: Vanilla Ice childishly disfigures the house's Warholian painting of the participants, insists humans descended from space aliens and snits at L.A.'s Farmers Market because it's not like his regular supermarket. Almightily attitudinal Bingham announces, ``I think I'm the most realest celebrity that you'll ever meet,'' then refuses to use the bathtub because she doesn't like its color: ``I was expecting more of what we're accustomed to,'' she simpers. Donald Trump and Tyra Banks show America what Bingham's accustomed to by hosting (and executive-producing) programs in which they enjoin To direct, require, command, or admonish. Enjoin connotes a degree of urgency, as when a court enjoins one party in a lawsuit by ordering the person to do, or refrain from doing, something to prevent permanent loss to the other party or parties. contestants to make Faustian deals to enter their rarefied worlds. Trump's ``The Apprentice'' debuts Thursday on NBC NBC in full National Broadcasting Co. Major U.S. commercial broadcasting company. It was formed in 1926 by RCA Corp., General Electric Co. (GE), and Westinghouse and was the first U.S. company to operate a broadcast network. before settling in on Wednesdays, and Banks' ``America's Next Top Model'' returns next Tuesday after a successful run (by UPN standards) last spring. ``The Apprentice,'' co-created by ``Survivor's'' Mark Burnett, is the oddest of the bunch. ``Manhattan is a tough place - this island is the real jungle,'' Trump growls less than a minute into the show - and twice in the first 10 minutes, lest anyone fail to identify the show's provenance. Sixteen aspiring executives are assembled for Trump to scowl histrionically at. They're divvied up into two teams who compete in dopey contests, etc., etc., etc. Winner gets a job with Trump - really? That's what the winner gets? What happens to the losers? Contestants were recruited partially due to their business savvy, which doesn't necessarily translate into fascinating personalities. Only one, Sam, seems genuinely loony - ``I want access to Trump - in the back of a limo, in a bar with his girlfriend,'' he fairly leers, begging the question of whether restraining orders can be issued in the middle of a reality series. (Trump being involved, svelte good looks were a necessity for the women but not the men.) One must be entertainment-deprived to find Thursday's contest even mildly intriguing: Setting up lemonade stands on the streets of New York. ``We thought about getting up to speed as far as selling lemonade,'' one participant blandly yet quite earnestly explains. The show's soundtrack overreacts to the lack of drama with hilariously overblown music more appropriate to direct-to-video action flicks than lemonade-peddling antics. ``The Apprentice'' would've made more sense in the money-worshipping '90s. Now we're back to enjoying old-fashioned pulchritude pul·chri·tude n. Great physical beauty and appeal. [Middle English pulcritude, from Latin pulchrit , making UPN's ``America's Next Top Model'' more bitchily watchable watch·a·ble adj. 1. Capable of being watched; viewable: watchable wildlife. 2. Good enough to watch: "The fastest modem ... . Aspirants with names like Xiomara, Jenascia, Yoanna, Mercedes and Shandi (pity the poor woman with a humdrum moniker like Anna!) clearly consider themselves stars before the fact, worthy of all manner of diva-esque entitlements. ``I like to be the center of attention,'' one purrs; another exposits, ``Before I came here, I was working for a Fortune 500 company, managing corporate business accounts, but ital!that wasn't enough for me!'' Tuesday's episode is short on real drama - Banks insists there's plenty in forcing the girls to walk a runway; you'll just have to take her word for it. The show wallows in prurience awfully early, forcing the girls to work nude - in tacky body paints - in the first episode. Naturally, someone must balk; that duty goes to unfortunate Anna, who's abandoned her family to pursue her dream. ``It's just not ladylike,'' she opines Opines are low molecular weight compounds found in plant crown gall tumors produced by the parasitic bacterium Agrobacterium. Opine biosynthesis is catalyzed by specific enzymes encoded by genes contained in a small segment of DNA (known as the T-DNA, for 'transfer DNA') , then, referring to her genitalia in a distancing third-person, she adds, ``This is for my husband.'' Had she refused on grounds that the body-painting designs were horrid, she might've earned bonus points rather than censure. Every year, network executives swear they'll ween ween tr.v. weened, ween·ing, weens Archaic To think; suppose. [Middle English wenen, from Old English w themselves off reality programming; a spate of new unscripted shows soon follows. As entertaining as some people find this stuff, it's like shooting fish in a barrel: Laughs at rubes' expense are too easy, too facile. Perhaps everyone should pay attention to Trishelle Canatella, who, as a veteran of ``The Real World'' and now ``The Surreal World,'' should know when she soberly declares, ``Reality television is not a talent.'' David Kronke, (818) 713-3638 david.kronke(at)dailynews.com THE SIMPLE LIFE - Two stars What: Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie irritate the state of Arkansas. Where: Fox (Channel 11). When: 8:30 tonight. In a nutshell: The most pre-processed of all the reality shows; much of the fun is lost. CELEBRITY MOLE YUCATAN - Two stars What: Former stars playfully frolic in sunny Mexico. Where: ABC ABC in full American Broadcasting Co. Major U.S. television network. It began when the expanding national radio network NBC split into the separate Red and Blue networks in 1928. (Channel 7). When: 10 tonight. In a nutshell: Games, star power fail to tempt. THE APPRENTICE - Two stars What: Donald Trump torments aspiring executives. Where: NBC (Channel 4). When: 8:30 p.m. Thursday; thereafter 8 p.m. Wednesdays. In a nutshell: Does the spectacle of adults setting up lemonade stands really qualify as prime-time entertainment? THE SURREAL LIFE - Three stars What: Has-beens gather under one roof and, uh, do stuff. Where: 9 p.m. Sundays. When: WB (Channel 5). In a nutshell: Best train-wreck of the lot; certainly the least pretty in terms of petty, pampered-celebrity behavior. AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL “ANTM” redirects here. For the Australian series, see Australia's Next Top Model. America's Next Top Model (often shortened to Top Model or abbreviated as ANTM - Two and one half stars What: Tyra Banks tutors divas-in-training. Where: UPN (Channel 13). When: 9 p.m. Tuesdays. In a nutshell: It's on! These girls already believe they're stars. CAPTION(S): 2 photos Photo: (1) Real-estate mogul Donald Trump puts his supplicants, er, applicants through their paces for a dream job on NBC's ``The Apprentice.'' (2) Ron Jeremy, left, Traci Bingham, Vanilla Ice, Tammy Faye Messner, Trishelle Canatella and Erik Estrada make up the roster for the second installment of ``The Surreal Life'' on the WB. |
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