HAHN SONG A TUNE WE'VE HEARD BEFORE.

Byline: Kimit Muston

I thought I missed the bus again. The mayor's 10-day ``Asia Tour 2002'' is over and, according to the press releases, every Hahn performance was legendary, he was a one-man Woodstock, a single-handed Michael Jackson without the plastic surgery.

On Monday the Koreans were wowed by Jimmy's performance with the Bay Watch babes in backup and his duet with Korean soccer star and L.A. Galaxy rookie Hong Myung Bo. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday in Beijing the Seoul Man laid down tracks and picked up a cool 23 billion bucks for his homies - that's us. Thursday, when the mayor's entourage landed in Tokyo, you just knew the Japanese were going to be putty in his hands.

Next were to come Shanghai, Hong Kong and a close-out show in Taipei, Taiwan. They're going to have to hire another plane just to carry all the money Jimmy's bringing home.

Of course, if you're billing the taxpayers a half-million dollars to truck 50 VIPs around Asia - first class, of course - the press releases had darn well better make Jimmy Hahn sound like Jimmy Hendrix, only without the drug busts.

The reality is, as usual, not quite so amazing. The mayor's band is a cross-section of political reality in Los Angeles, including council President Alex Padilla, council members Eric Garcetti and Janice Hahn, future governor-wannabe Arnold Schwarzenegger, and power and connections from the DWP, LAX, and the purely private sector. The tune these cats were playing was upbeat, but the band looked worried, man. According to the Mayor's Office, last year tourism to L.A. was down $1.7 billion. A lot of that was Korean bucks that stayed in Korea. So the mayor's pitch had to have perfect pitch.

It did. The Koreans were so impressed with Hahn's music video, including the sequences of bouncing beach beauties saving lives, that they politely avoided mentioning that Bay Watch is no longer shot in Malibu, but in Hawaii. Did anybody mention that the Entertainment Industry Development Commission, with board member Jimmy Hahn looking on, let that one get away?

Still, everybody agreed that business in L.A. and Seoul ought to move to the same beat, and Jimmy promised President Kim Dae-Jung that we're going to open our Korean/L.A. International Trade Office real soon. If this ``soon'' is the same ``soon'' Jimmy used when he promised to ``real soon'' build a new police station out on Balboa Boulevard, then the Koreans might be in for a long wait.

Well, on to swinging Bejing, where the mayor was looking to chalk up a success in black and white. Like a panda maybe, or two. What mayor wouldn't love to give his voters a pair of pandas for Christmas? But the Chinese were only willing to part with some golden monkeys - cute, but no panda-monium for the L.A. Zoo. And no politician wants his photo taken with a monkey.

Oh, and remember that $23 billion Jimmy supposedly picked up in Bejing? On close inspection it turned out to be 23 billion good intentions. The Chinese will be hosting the 2008 Summer Olympic Games and they promised to let L.A. companies bid on contracts for the construction and preparations, $23 billion total: hotels, arenas, stadiums and venues. That song may hit the charts, but Chinese President Jiang Zemin has been covering similar tunes with everybody from the Ukrainians to the French.

OK, but the Japanese will come through big time, right? It doesn't seem likely. Their prime interest rate is at 0 - that's 0 percent - and it's been there for half a year and their economy still refuses to move faster than waltz time. They don't want Japanese citizens to rent a car in L.A., they want Japanese citizens to buy a car in Japan. They aren't going to encourage anybody to take in a road show.

So was the mayor's trip a waste of time and money? No, it was necessary. But a lot is going to happen over the next year, and most of it is beyond the mayor's influence - like war with Iraq, like the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission's taking another Republican nap, like terrorist strikes, like dock strikes, like ex-police chief Bernard Parks and ex-secession leader Paula Boland both running for City Council, or like maybe even an earthquake.

It's the mayor's job to do what he can about what he can. And on this trip, Jimmy did pretty well, just not as spectacularly as his press agent would have you believe.