Guys like Fred.

Wherever I perform stand-up comedy, I'm always out of the closet. Whether I'm doing it in Oklahoma or Provincetown, my act is basically the same. Sometimes I ruffle a few conservative feathers, but I don't care. They need ruffling. Recently a guy named Fred approached me after my show and told me how much he appreciated my being out onstage. From a hamlet in Arkansas, he wasn't out to anybody. Intrigued, I listened to his story. He said he was always gay, but he was raised in a fundamentalist household, and his parents would surely disown him if he came out and deny him a rather large inheritance. His friends would stop being his friends if they lately. His church choir would not be singing his tune. Even his best friend from childhood doesn't know, and they are both 37 years old. The only overtly gay thing about his life is his collection of Streisand albums. His gay feelings find an outlet in the woods behind a rest stop on the interstate.

I had to check a newspaper to make sure that it was still 2004. Then I reminded myself that I live in New York City, where being gay is the law in certain neighborhoods. I came out to everyone years ago--and even to the whole country on national TV. But we all follow our own path, and I would never suggest that anyone do as I have done. But to be out to no one at all? Holy mackerel.

I quizzed Fred, anticipating his answers. Yep, 'all of his friends and family are Republicans who plan to vote for Bush again. They are viewers of Hannity & Colmes and listen to Rush Limbaugh or Michael (gasp!) Savage. They all saw The Passion of the Christ and think Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist. They are dead set against gay marriage or anything else with the word gay in it, since they think they don't have any of them in town. The woods behind that rest stop, however, tell another story. My first thought was to call a moving van for him, but I thought of a more economical suggestion. Tell one person, just one person in your life whom you trust, and see how it goes. Chances are, they know already but have no idea how to broach the subject.

This is the problem with most people: Since society gives them no tools whatsoever to deal with their gay friends and family members, the best they can do is hope the problem solves itself by some sort of osmosis.

I also told Fred to find as many online gay resources as he could--maybe even start chatting with gays around the country and get advice in a healing, nonsexual way. Then maybe he might be able to move forward in his coming-out.

But his dilemma brings up a larger problem. Here we are in an era when gay marriage is the issue du jour, and a large part of the country isn't even remotely ready to deal with it. Some aren't even ready for gay doing, especially gays themselves, in many cases, a typical gay date is: "Hi, how are you?" "Fine." [Pause] "OK, let's go."

Many, like Fred, have no idea how to deal with any type of gay issue in their lives. I don't pretend to have any easy solutions. But one hope I have this year is that every small-town gay inches a little further out of his or her own particular closet.

The Cheneys notwithstanding, maybe if some politicians were more aware of gay friends and relatives, they might think twice about endorsing antigay coustitutional amendments. Maybe parents might be slower to vote for those who want to squash their own children. Maybe the "family" organizations would realize how much damage they are doing to families with gay members in them.

Until every gay person in this country comes out, true victory will be difficult, both on the political and personal levels. If everyone would, more fundmnentalists might understand, more lawmakers might cool it, and people like Fred and his closeted friends could leave the rest stop and find a bit more happiness.

I said to Fred and would say to others like him: It is rarely, if ever, as bad as you think it's going to be.

Come out. We need you.

Contact guest columnist Jim David at www.advocate.com/html/issuelinks/issuelinks.asp