Guns for teachers.

We here at YourBank know you ust be a little worried about all the big mergers going on. And, well, you should be. So let us put your mind at rest by insisting these changes are not for us. They're designed with you, our valued customer, in mind. Just trying to streamline operations to make it easier for you, our most precious collateral. We know you don't need a lot of perplexing "choices" to slow down your day, so here at YourBank, we're doing our best to make sure that when the smoke clears, we'll remain standing as your one and only choice when seeking financial security. We'd also like to take this time to introduce the new One Rate ATM fees from YourBank. Aren't you tired of all those confusing charges for automated banking? Who wouldn't be? One institution tacks on an outrageous fee for each on-line service dial-up, while another establishment nails you for even more, just for using their ATM. Well, at YourBank, we've taken the guesswork out of banking. Each transaction is the same, special, low, userfriendly price of $5. That way, you'll know you're getting the same beneficial, easy-to-remember rate each and every time you do business with us. No hassles. No confusion. Just the same convenient price. Anytime. Anywhere. For anything. You'll never have to wonder if you're being ripped off again. Remember, at YourBank, we're working harder to make your money our money.

[right arrow] Palm Springs, California, rejected Senate candidate Papa Walton in favor of Mary Bono, Sonny's widow. We can only wonder what would have happened had Cher entered the race.

I'm sure, like me, you were saddened to hear about Tammy Wynette. Of course, we all know what caused her untimely death: El Nino. El Nino has been blamed for everything from the poor box-office performance of Primary Colors to the substandard quality of strip bars around the New Orleans airport. The only good news is El Nino is about to go out with a gasping whimper, to be replaced by La Nina. Who knows what fresh havoc the Nino's sister will wreak.

[right arrow] In Washington, D.C., the cherry blossoms bloomed and dropped like tiny subpoenas, leaving behind unique Starr cherries.

It's a day of monumental upheaval here in the nation's capital, where the spirit of red-white-and-blue bipartisanship is shaking the town like a hula dancer with a hot foot. In news a little less stunning than Bill Gates's announcement that he plans on bequeathing all his Microsoft stock to the Vietnamese Women's Association, Newt Gingrich singlehandedly pushed through an ironclad campaign-finance reform bill that will forbid any contribution over ten bucks. He also donated profits from his book to the National Endowment for the Arts. Over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Bill finally admitted that he suffers from sexual compulsion and has signed up for Sexaholics Anonymous, although it is rumored he did it only so he can cop the mailing list. Hillary finally admitted exactly what everybody had always suspected--she carries around a portable shredder with her at all times--and joined Shredders Anonymous. In other turnarounds, Jesse Helms appointed Chastity Bono to be his chief of staff, and Strom Thurmond filed a writ in Congress to get rid of all tobacco subsidies and replace tobacco crops with sunflowers. George Stephanopoulos has finally admitted he's a runaway Smurf and applied for a job on Sesame Street. A grand, dream-like day in Washington. I hope more are on the way.

[right arrow] In San Francisco, news about the Grateful Dead theme park seems to have died down a bit. One of those ideas that sounds great at first. Then the next morning, you look at the napkin you wrote it on and swear, `I'll never fill my bong with Nyquil again.'

And now, to comment on the Jonesboro tragedy, let's talk with NRA spokesman Rock Hardney.

"Thank you, Ted. Of course, all of us in America agree, an anguish it truly is. Although I must say, the biggest tragedy to me was only that the eleven-year-old had enough target practice to be trusted as a sniper. But good God damn, that kid had a great eye. We're talking six head shots, four kills, and ten others down out of twenty-seven shots at over 100 yards. Not bad for a fifth-grader. I tell you what, I could have used that boy in last year's Junior Shoot Off. And I think your effete liberal press should be ashamed for politicizing calamities like this. Right away, guns are the bad guy. What were these kids doing with deer rifles anyway? Children that size should be wielding smaller caliber firearms. You and your pansy, hair-helmeted friends don't want to admit it, but the fact is, Ted, if the rest of the school kids had been armed, they would have been able to defend themselves and return fire. At least the teachers should have been packing. So as a patriotic gesture, we at the NRA announce a new fund that will provide every teacher in the country with a .457 magnum equipped with hollow points. It's the least we could do to put this national nightmare behind us.