Grandparents as sexuality educators: having our say.

One of the old canards is that grandchildren and their grandparents are natural allies, since they both have the generation in between them as their natural enemies. We eschew this premise while nonetheless acknowledging that since grandparents are not typically a child's primary caretakers, they can play a unique role for their grandkids.

Some cultural commentators, noting the technophilia of young people and the technophobia of those a generation or two removed, have proposed that the current generation of young people knows more than their parents and grandparents and, in an astonishing turnaround from centuries of family relationships, have little use for their elders. While this may be true for programming VCRs and curing computer viruses, it need not be true in matters pertaining to the critical fields of child rearing and helping children learn about sexuality and human relationships.

We older folks do know some things. Even though most of us who are currently grandparents experienced woefully inadequate education about sexuality, we wish to improve this process for our grandchildren. We know that it is ridiculous to wait until children ask whether they should look both ways before crossing a street; and that it is foolhardy to wait for them to ask whether it is safe to touch the burners on a stove. We volunteer important information to our children and grandchildren.

Our own interest in this topic is informed by our roles as (incurably doting--like most) grandparents of our six-year-old grandson (Joshua), his three-and-a-half-year-old sister (Becca), and, to a far lesser extent, a six-month-old grandson (Jacob). We acknowledge right away that ours is probably an easier task than most because our grandchildren have been raised by our own children, whose parents (us!) include one sexuality educator and one library media specialist. What this means is that the messages that both grandparents and parents give and will give to the children are quite similar.

Children, as soon as they can understand the concept that their parents also have parents, can be very impressed by the idea of these super, "grand" parents. This provides a wonderful entree for openness to hearing from us about important things. We can teach about many things (not just about the proper names for genitals but also about how to make and keep friends, treating other people nicely, and so on). Since we are not primarily responsible for discipline, our grandchildren see us as providing unconditional love. They trust us.

Parents often ask: "When is the best time to start to talk with children about sexuality?" A good answer is: "Start at age two months, when the baby is in the bath. As you warmly sponge bathe, don't skip from 'this is your cute little chin, and this is your cute little belly button' to 'this, er--is your cute little knee' but include 'and this is your cute little penis or cute little labia or vagina."' While the baby will not understand the meaning of the words until some time in the future, it gives the parent time to rehearse saying the proper words for genitals a few hundred times. The good news is that grandparents may have rehearsed saying those words more than parents, and may be strategically positioned to begin to teach children about how wonderful and remarkable all parts of the body are.

When Joshua regaled us with the intricacies of the digestive system--which he had been taught in pre-school--it was clear that he was open to learning facts about other parts of his body.

It is probably not every mother who would phone her own parents to say, "I knew you'd be happy to know that Joshua just found his penis." And both parents and grandparents have been able to send the same consistent message: "We know it feels good to touch your penis, but you need to keep your hands out of your pants in public; your penis is private, and it's not polite to do that when you are with other people."

Upon the birth of Joshua's sister, diaper changing was an opportunity to point out both the genital differences between his body and his sister's and the fact that he and his father and grandfathers had penises while his sister, mother and grandmothers had vaginas. When his parents' friends were pregnant, it was natural for him to be told that there was a baby inside her womb and that it would come out of her vagina. Not long ago, Josh asked us whether, since a girl baby comes out of the vagina, did perhaps, a boy baby come out of the penis. A logical question, answered matter-of-factly, like all of his other questions to his grandparents. When we told him that a special second cousin was pregnant and would have a baby, he volunteered that it would be coming out of her vagina and wanted to know whether it would hurt; he was reassured to hear that doctors had ways to help mothers so that it did not hurt too much.

Becca, age 3: "Grandma, what are these?" "That's your vagina." "No, [pulling her labia apart] these!" "Oh, that is called your labia." "Oh." If parents and grandparents can be matter-of-fact, so then can children.

Many of us have remarked that often it is easier for pre-teens and teens to speak about some important matters (school, friends, drugs, sexuality, religion, et cetera: the "breakaway issues") with someone who is not their own parent--perhaps the parent's good friend or a relative. A grandparent can be ideally situated to help mediate this delicate transfer of power and responsibility from parent to child.

RELATED ARTICLE: SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES FOR CONVERSATIONS WITH THE KIDS IN YOUR LIFE

* Taking an adventure to the bookstore or library

* Sharing an ice cream sundae

* Having a picnic in the park

* Enjoying a day in the zoo

* Taking a walk along the beach

* Shopping at the mall

* Riding in the car

* Watching a baseball game 

* Seeing a movie

* Walking through an art museum

SIECUS bookmark, Suggested Activities for Conversations with the Kids in Your Life [part of SIECUS' Families Are Talking initiative to help parents, caregivers, and children talk about sexuality-related issues).