Got baggage?

Byline: RELATIONSHIPS By Lewis Taylor The Register-Guard

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. Love is in the air. But what of the other side of love?

Heartache.

Even if you're not dealing with a painful breakup or divorce, you've probably been through it at least once in your life. And, relationship experts say, too many of us never properly deal with the aftereffects of that big breakup.

"Most people don't know that they were supposed to do something other than wait around (after a breakup)," says Russell Friedman, co-author of the book "Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage."

"They were taught that time heals all or that you have to get back on the horse."

Friedman says that doing nothing or rebounding into another relationship will not ease the pain. He offers some common-sense advice and some simple personal exercises to get the bottom of where things went wrong.

``The idea that time heals all is nonsense,'' Friedman says. ``If you had a flat tire, would you just sit in a chair and wait for the car to fix itself?

``What we're discovering, and what a lot of people we work with are discovering is that doing some work helps them complete their past.''

The ``work'' that Friedman speaks of involves sifting through the ashes of the past, closely examining the relationships you've had and determining what matters to you. Once you've decided what's important, he says, you can begin to move forward.

``Becoming emotionally complete is not about getting rid of everything,'' he explains. ``What we're dismissing is the baggage, the part that weighs you down.''

John Bundy, a Eugene psychologist who counsels couples, says there are some strong parallels between a breakup and the death of a friend or family member.

"You can think of a breakup of a serious relationship or divorce as something really to grieve over," he says. "You're going to have times when you're really angry, times when you're really sad and times when you're just numb. It's going to take a while to work it out."

Bundy says having a strong support system is one of the best things to help start the healing process. Unfortunately, men are often not as willing or able to reach out to others.

``With men, lots of times their (former) partner was their best friend,'' Bundy says. ``When that partner is gone, who are they going to talk to?''

A tough breakup can lead to depression, anxiety and all sorts of self-esteem issues. It's OK to feel sad, Bundy says, but if you're feeling angry at everyone you encounter, having suicidal thoughts or finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, you might want to consider seeking help from a psychologist or therapist.

Bookstores are packed with books on breakups, many having to do specifically with divorce. Less common are books aimed at unmarried couples who have split up.

The pain of both kinds of breakups is similar. And these days, the complications of having children and owning property aren't limited to marriages. Divorce may have a stronger stigma, but the end of a serious relationship in which the partners were not married carries its own set of problems.

"With a divorce, there is a ceremony," Bundy says. "In that way, it may be harder'' to accept a breakup in which a couple were not married.

``Baggage'' is a word that comes up a lot in dealing with breakups. While it often refers to the emotional issues many of us carry around, it can also be literal, Friedman says.

After a relationship is over there are photographs, letters, e-mails and other remnants. While it may feel good to throw it all away, it might be worth keeping some of those items that stir up memories.

"Getting rid of stuff creates an illusion that you're dealing with feelings," Friedman says. "Some people can get rid of everything, some people can't. It's a personal decision. Use your intuition."

Because the sea of emotions during a breakup is choppy, Friedman recommends using caution when sorting those belongings.

He suggests putting items into three separate categories: stuff you want, stuff you don't want and stuff you're unsure of. If you come back to that third pile in six months, he says, you will probably find you can whittle it down.

Friedman also recommends asking a friend to help you go through the leftovers. It's the same advice he gives to people who are grieving the death of a loved one.

A difficult question many people confront after a breakup is knowing when to begin dating again. Again, Friedman says, there are some parallels with the process of grieving. Recovery, he says, is achieved through a series of "small and correct actions."

The actions Friedman prescribes in his book amount to shoring up your emotional foundation. At the end of the process he asks his clients to write a letter to their ex. It is a letter that is never sent.

Another tough question is whether to maintain a relationship with your ex. While some former couples strive to maintain a friendship, Bundy says few of his clients are able to maintain such an arrangement. More of them have found success by establishing a cooler, almost businesslike relationship.

"I think it's a worthy goal to strive for," Bundy says. "It's respectful, and it is a (viable) form of communicating."

Bundy says one of the most common mistakes people make in dealing with a breakup is trying to get through the healing process too quickly. Just because you're lonely, he says, doesn't mean you're ready.

Restoring your ability to trust someone else is a crucial part of moving forward. For some people that goal may take longer to achieve, Bundy says. For others it will come quicker. There is no agreed upon timeline for grieving, healing and recovering.

MOVING ON AFTER BREAKING UP

Time doesn't heal all: Waiting around for those wounds to heal won't help. Take an active role in your recovery.

Don't rush it: Dealing with a breakup is like dealing with the death of a friend or family member. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Look back: Only by examining your past will you be able to move forward. Look at your previous relationships. Revisit those early hopes and dreams you lost along the way.

Unload: Emotional baggage isn't the only remnant of a relationship that can weigh you down. Sort through love letters, e-mails and other personal items and don't be afraid to get rid of them.

Sort wisely: Just as you don't have to keep everything that reminds you of an ex, you don't have to dump it all either. Enlist the help of a friend to help you decide what to hold onto and what to trash.

Categorize: Separate snapshots, love letters, e-mails and other items into three categories: stuff you want, stuff you don't want and stuff you're not sure about. Come back to that third category later and you will probably find you can whittle it down even further. Repeat every six months.

- Source: "Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage" by Russell Friedman and John James