Go ask Alec.

Because gay Asians and their admirers face unique conflicts and quandaries, I'm devoting this column to advice from yours truly--America's gay Asian sweetheart.

Dear Alec Mapa,

I'm an attractive 28-year-old Vietnamese-American, and all I ever meet are rice queens. I just want to meet a nice guy who likes me for me, not a creep who's into me just because I'm Asian. Any words of advice?

Sincerely, Daunted and Dateless 

Dear Daunted,

First of all, where are you hanging out? The throw pillow section of Pier 1? I have no problem with the rice queen, i.e., some guy who's attracted primarily to Asian men. Why hate someone for having good taste? Besides, labeling someone a rice queen just because he's attracted to you may be unfair. He might be a groovy so-and-so who just happens to think you're hot.

I think you're creeped out by the kind of rice queen who views you in that colonial-imperialistic way where you end up fetching slippers and walking on his back. My advice would be to trust your own intelligence. Someone who's really into you for you is not going to make you act out the Liat-Lieutenant Cable scene from South Pacific. Unless, of course, that happens to be your thing. In which case I say, keep talking happy talk!

Dear Alec Mapa,

A friend of mine has listed at the bottom of his online personal ad "No fats, fems, or Asians." I say it qualifies as hate speech. He says he's just stating a personal preference. Who's right? Also, I have fine, flyaway hair that no haircut can fix.

Yours, Concerned in Cyberspace

Dear Concerned,

Your friend sounds like a bucket of love. I just might eat a pound cake, don a tutu, and stalk him! Every-one, has the freedom to state his or her individual preference. I just think there are ways to do so with-out dehumanizing entire groups of people. For instance, your friend could have stated his preference thus: "In-shape, masculine racist seeks same for movies and more!" Deep down, your friend might be a really nice person, but I'd never know because his ad makes him sound like an ass.

P.S. Try spraying the roots of your hair with some kind of scrunching or extra-hold styling spray, blow-dry from the bottom up, and watch the magic happen!

String Bean Gay Society

Dear Alec Mapa,

I'm a tall skinny gay guy, and I'm much too self-conscious to go to a gym. I desperately want to be a part of the community, but I don't feel like I'll ever belong. What would Alec Mapa do?

Yours, Slim Jim 

Dear Slim,

Alec Mapa would jump your bones. I love tall skinny gay guys! I'm 5 foot 4, and I once dated a tall skinny guy in college who was 6 foot 7. It was like a chihuahua trying to mount a Great Dane. But this is about you, right?

I know exactly what you're talking about. Once I guest-starred on "Friends," and it was hours before the crew realized I was part of the cast and not the delivery person from Chin Chin. The trick is to make it all work on your behalf. Stardom is all about taking the things you think are freaky and different about you and pushing them out into the limelight. Didn't you see "Funny Girl"? Don't just be a tall skinny gay guy, be the tall skinny gay guy.

Alec Mapa

P.S. Where do you live?