Global warming: a dry heat? (Off the Map).

* Grass Valley, California, where ex-Bay Area liberals have settled in the middle of rock-ribbed conservatives and there is little love lost between them. The one thing they all agree on is tourists suck.

OK, now let me get this straight. First, the Bush Administration, and, yeah, I mean both George I and George II, say: "No, no, no. Global warming is just a weenie liberal myth. More fuzzy science. And any tree huggers who do believe in this global warming fairy tale are Eco-Nazis out to destroy America's free market advantage and should be shipped on ice in a refrigerator car to Siberia so they can die in the arms of their commie-loving comrades."

Oil company scientists were hired to pooh-pooh serious science with contrary puff studies: "Global warming doesn't exist. As a matter of fact, we think the exact opposite is true. Whatever that is. We're not quite sure, but whatever the reverse of global warming is, that's what's really going on."

Yeah, they had scientists. Just like the tobacco companies had scientists. You got enough money, you can hire scientists to prove that peanut butter is the perfect grouting material for bathroom tile.

That constituted the Republican attitude for decades.

Then, in early June, they scooted around a United Nations corner with a required report, mumbling behind their cupped hands, "Well, maybe this whole global warming thing isn't so mocked up, after all." Excuse me? What the hell was that? Did you just suck up about thirty years' worth of vitriol, and we didn't get to watch you swallow?

This is what drives me nuts. Screaming and vilifying and the pulling of opposition hair, and then, when it suits certain needs, or backs are suddenly up against the wall, it's: "Oh, by the way, we changed our mind. We weren't wrong. Simply time to move on."

No apologies, no mea culpa, no kiss my ass, no nothing. And now, NOW, that Bush admitted that perhaps global warming does exist and may indeed be the handiwork of man himself, his advice to the industrial nations of the world is "we must adapt." Years of Study, millions on research, and the reasoned advice of our leaders is, "Get used to it!"

The latest tripe being ground out of the ever busy spinmeister factory is now that global warming exists, turns out it's actually good for us. No worries. Forests will grow faster and summers will last longer. Surf resorts in Nova Scotia. Minnesota's cash crop will be the banana. You won't have to retire to Arizona. Arizona will come to you.

* Sacramento, California, a section of which is known as West Sac, which sounds like an instant testicular diagnostic suggestion of a southbound oncology patient.

What is it about Saddam Hussein that gets under the Bushes' skin like sand in the waistband of a really snug thong? Maybe it's because he's so obviously public school--cocky and loud. He's not quite the sort one can really count on to whip off a few monogrammed thank you notes after a birthday soiree, much less submit to the indomitable will of the United States. There's his dreadful lack of manners. And he's so darn swarthy. He just looks wet. Dresses like a taxi cab dispatcher. Hits on all the women. And the men. Be honest, would you trust this man to teach your niece how to play backgammon? I think not.

OK, maybe I don't know exactly why they don't like him, but I know they don't. George the One left him alone only because it was the sporting thing to do, don't you know. George the Two has busted his butt trying to get the rest of the world to have the same kind of gag reflex about the Bad Boy from Baghdad as he does. Only two minor problems: they're not buying it, and it's not working.

In April, Dubya said he had made up his mind that Saddam has to go. Go? Go where? Lubbock? Cyprus? To see the red-haired bearded lady at the Texas State Fair?

Not surprisingly, the shouts off the cliff have gone appallingly unechoed, so now it's time for Plan B. The President has approved covert action to topple Saddam with increased support to the Iraqi opposition and utilizing CIA and Special Forces. Authorizing deadly force on Hussein only if acting in self-defense, of course (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

If I were Saddam, I'd bookmark the Gallup Poll web site. As soon as Bush's approval rating starts to fall, I'd start digging a bunker somewhere near hell. Or reopen the old one.

Will Durst has not taken a vow of poverty. It only seems that way.