Give me an L.

The same week The L Word premiered on Showtime, the W announced that he was going to press for $1.5 billion for his so-called Healthy Marriage Initiative for poor people. Like red meat thrown before the Atkins crowd in the Republican Party, the initiative would teach problem solving, negotiating, and listening skills, which might then trickle up to the Bush Administration. Advertising campaigns will publicize the value of marriage, augmented by the fine work of The Bachelorette and My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. A mentoring program will use married couples as role models of healthy marriage. Britney and Jason, Liza and David, and Jacko and Lisa will not be among them.

Speaking of Neverland, most of us older Ls never thought we'd see The L Word on television. Our household signed up for Showtime, no doubt sinking me and my cultural war bride in a Homeland Security counterinsurgency data mine somewhere. I have every confidence that given more of a chance than Ellen ever got, the show will develop character and story lines to rival any long-running soap opera.

We enjoyed the first episode. It's been a very cold winter in the Northeast so we appreciate the heat potential of the weekly series and the savings on our gas bill. I also liked the foreplay of the previews and the postcoital cigarette reviews. Some said the show was a soft-porn "Lesbian Thigh for the Straight Guy." Others opined that the show was not reflective of lesbian life. Repeat after me: Tel-e-vi-sion.

For a few days after the first episode I viewed my own life through an L Word lens. Me at the dry cleaners: "This would be a great scene," I thought, as I fantasized that the character of the young Shane, the sexual rouee, was based on my life. Finally, my domestic partner kindly pointed out that I am an actual lesbian.

Still, there are a few episodes I would like to see:

"What the L?"

During an intake exam when she finally goes to the sperm bank, Jennifer Beals discovers through a background DNA check that she is the great-great-granddaughter of Strom Thurmond. Should she come out about it? She tells one L and soon the whole alphabet knows. She rends her T-shirt in shame and restarts a trend.

2. "The L-Boat: A Navy of Ex-Lovers Cannot Sail"

The Ls "all go on a lesbian cruise together to celebrate the franchising of the Planet, their favorite haunt. While at sea, a friend of bisexual Mice, who is dogsitting her pitbull/poodle mix, accidentally trips the invisible electric dog fence, which shuts down the California power grid, which lifts the terror color levels to orange. Governor Colonel Klink authorizes the Coast Guard to board the ship. The Ls, who are in the middle of a Mistress and Commander shipboard game, mistakenly think the Coasties are part of the game, and attack them with pool noodles. The Coasties impound the ship and toss all the Ls into Guantanamo until further notice. Ginger, the prison warden, has pity on them.

3. "When L Freezes Over" Turns out blonde Tina's Father is the Vice President of the United States! During the VP debates, he had side-mouthed that the whole issue of gay unions should be left to the states. Now he changes his tune and says he is in favor of a constitutional amendment to limit marriage to straight people. And he's coming to visit! The libber Ls are outraged for Tina and think she should not let him in the house. The conservative Ls feel her pain, but don't want her to upset him, what with his heart condition and all. After a prolonged body cavity search by her father's Secret Service detail, Tina greets Vice Dad, who, wink wink, says he didn't mean her, adding that he's got people who will do nuptials in his private bunker/wedding chapel.

Kate Clinton is involved in humor-related program activities.