Get your apse out of my narthex! A "churchspeak for dummies" guide to fatten your chances of getting past the Pearly Gates.Let's be serious for a moment. We all want to go to heaven, right? Well, looking at how we're doing in terms of practicing virtue and avoiding sin and stuff, the prospects strike me as a little iffy. You may be banking on the sure-fire novena or the day-glow scapular scap·u·lar or scap·u·lar·y adj. Of or relating to the shoulder or scapula. scapular, adj pertaining to the region of the scapulae. scapular pertaining to the scapula. , but unless you want to spend from now till doomsday pushing a peanut around purgatory with your nose, I suggest an alternate plan. How's this? When you get to the Pearly Gates, just fake it. Walk in like you own the place. Most important, talk like you know the score. Use heaven-hip jargon and celestial buzzwords, like the ones you hear in church all the time but haven't a clue as to what they mean. To get started, why not take this simple multiple choice vocabulary quiz? It will help you discover just how theologically lingo-savvy you are or aren't. So sharpen up the ol' #2 and circle the correct definition for each term. Check the answers at the end to see where you stand. 1. Koinonia Noun 1. koinonia - Christian fellowship or communion with God or with fellow Christians; said in particular of the early Christian community fellowship, family - an association of people who share common beliefs or activities; "the message was addressed not just to A. That thing in the supermarket that counts up all the pocket change you've been saving and gives you a credit slip B. The Greek word for "communion," the experience of oneness Christians have with God and each other C. It's like Whack-a-Mole, only with large goldfish 2. Agnus Dei A. Spiro Agnew's anima anima /an·i·ma/ (an´i-mah) [L.] 1. the soul. 2. in jungian terminology, the unconscious, or inner being, of the individual, as opposed to the personality presented to the world (persona); by extension, used to B. Latin for "Lamb of God Lamb of God: see Agnus Dei. " C. Doris Dei's sister 3. Beatification beatification: see canonization. A. What the missus does in front of the mirror before going out to dinner B. Picking up cigarette butts in front of the church after a wedding C. The last step before a dead person is canonized, or made a saint 4. Zucchetto zuc·chet·to n. pl. zuc·chet·tos or zuc·chet·ti A skullcap worn by certain Roman Catholic clerics, varying in color according to rank. and Mozzetta moz·zet·ta or mo·zet·ta n. Roman Catholic Church A short hooded cape worn over the rochet by the pope and by bishops and other dignitaries. [Italian, from Medieval Latin almutia.] A. Pizza toppings B. Siskel and Ebert's counterparts in Rome C. The skullcap skull·cap n. See calvaria. skullcap, n Latin names: Scutellaria laterifolia, Scutellaria baicalensis; and elbow-length cape worn by bishops 5. Parousia A. When Jesus comes again in glory to judge the living and the dead B. When Jesus comes to carefully read our journals C. When Jesus comes to do a little shopping 6. Rapture A. The "taking up" of the faithful at the Parousia (1 Thess. 4:17) B. A theological hernia C. When Sister Faleeta whacked my knuckles with a ruler 7. IHS A. The first three letters of "Jesus" in Greek, iota eta sigma B. The logo of a popular vestment manufacturer that priests are paid to display on their backs C. Everybody who went to Ithaca High School Ithaca High School may refer to several high schools in the United States:
8. Eschatology A. The study of extreme felines B. The study of things coming at the end C. The study of things coming out the end 9. Nave A. What the sheriff of Nottingham Sheriff of Nottingham traditional badman; thwarted in at-tempts to capture Robin Hood. [Br. Lit.: Robin Hood] See : Villainy called Robin Hood B. The main part of the church where everybody sits C. Contemplate yours for a while and you could be a mystic, too 10. Alms A. Little tiny almonds used for salads B. Beautiful trees destroyed by Dutch Aim disease C. A word that makes giving your money away sound like it's OK 11. Paraclete A. A little green bird you can teach to say "pretty, pretty, pretty" B. What Sammy Sosa wears on his feet when he plays baseball C. A name, meaning "advocate," used in the Gospel of John For other uses, see Gospel of John (disambiguation). The Gospel of John (literally, According to John; Greek, Κατά Ιωαννην, Kata Iōannēn for the Holy Spirit 12. Apse A. The snake Elizabeth Taylor pressed to her bosom in Cleopatra B. What people make of themselves trying to teach a bird to say "pretty, pretty, pretty" C. The part of a church building where the altar is located 13. Papal Bull A. What the guys from the Curia do after work on Fridays B. A large male bovine used to breed the Vatican cows C. A papal document sealed with a bulla bulla /bul·la/ (bul´ah) pl. bul´lae [L.] 1. a blister; a circumscribed, fluid-containing, elevated lesion of the skin, usually more than 5 mm in diameter. 2. a rounded, projecting anatomical structure. , the official seal of the pope 14. Narthex A. The vestibule of a church building between the front door and the main area B. Region of the nasal passage just beyond reach of your index finger C. A spray used to discourage church mice 15. Embolism A. A serious blockage of the narthex B. The insertion of the "Deliver us, Lord, from every evil ..." into the Lord's Prayer at Mass C. A trick used to find out who the Protestants are at Mass 16. Kerygma ke·ryg·ma n. Christianity The proclamation of religious truths, especially as taught in the Gospels. [Greek k A. If you've got an embolism in your narthex, it's the stuff that you wipe off your lip with a tissue B. The proclamation of religious truth taught by the gospels C. The charisma of John Kerry 17. Asperges asperges (əspûr`jəs), ceremonial sprinkling of the people with holy water by the priest before the Sunday High Mass in the Roman Catholic Church. A. The sprinkling rite at Mass, often used during the Easter season B. Great with hollandaise sauce C. Offensive remarks about the pastor 18. Stigmata A. The marks of the crucifixion appearing on the hands and feet of holy people like St. Francis and Padre Pio B. Something you need glasses for C. Italian American interrogative: "Hey, what's stigmata you?" 19. Ex opere operato Ex opere operato is a Latin theological expression meaning literally "from the work having been worked" and with the specific meaning "by the very fact of the action's being performed. A. The guy who used to answer the phones for Oprah B. A Latin term ("from the work done") meaning that the sacraments actually accomplish what they signify C. When Ron Howard played the little kid on the Andy Griffith Show 20. Mystagogy mys·ta·gogue n. 1. One who prepares candidates for initiation into a mystery cult. 2. One who holds or spreads mystical doctrines. A. The husband of Mrs. Gogy B. What you should do for your indoor gogy plant in dry weather C. The post-baptismal period of instruction for new adult Christians 21. Counter-reformation A. Remodeling the kitchen for the sake of the kingdom B. Trying to get the people who tally the collection after Mass to cool the gossip C. Catholic response to the Protestant Reformation measured between the Council of Trent and Vatican II 22. Oikonomia A. A dispensation used by the Orthodox Church to allow second and third marriages B. Greek for O Sole Mio C. It's the oikonomia, stupid 23. Metanoia Metanoia (from the Greek μετανοῖα, metanoia, changing one's mind, repentance) is a rhetorical device used to retract a statement just made, and then state it in a better way.[1] It is similar to correctio. A. Greek for "turning around," a word we use for repentance B. Being suspicious about everything and everybody C. Something else that can go wrong with your narthex 24. Diet of Worms A. An experimental Catholic discipline coming up for Lent next year B. Isn't it really the most disgusting thing you ever heard of? C. The 1521 German general assembly that declared Martin Luther an outlaw 25. Monstrance mon·strance n. Roman Catholic Church A receptacle in which the host is held. Also called ostensorium. [Middle English, from Old French, from Medieval Latin A. What you get if you hypnotize hypnotize /hyp·no·tize/ (-tiz) to induce a state of hypnosis. hyp·no·tize v. To put a person into a state of hypnosis. Charlize Theron B. The gold sunburst-like receptacle in which the host is placed for exposition of the Blessed Sacrament C. What it's called when Monsignor comes into the room wearing his purple cassock 26. Psalter A. One who salts, as opposed to the pepperer B. The psalms as they are chanted or sung at liturgy C. To walk down the street with an attitude 27. Faculties A. Permission to function in a diocese given by the bishop to a priest B. What a priest might lose if he functions in a diocese for too long C. Where priests often show up after they've lost their marbles So, how'd you do? If you got 20 or more right, you're a slam-dunk. You'll be schmoozing with Mother Teresa and John XXIII from day one. If you're in there between 10 and 19, better start boning up, or you'll be pushing that peanut around till hell freezes over. If you got less than 10, I would suggest you line up plenty of folks to visit new churches on Holy Thursday after you've passed oil and hope that the line out of purgatory isn't too long. Answers: 1-B, 2-B, 3-C, 4-C, 5-A, 6 A, 7-A, 8-B, 9-B, 10-C, 11-C, 12-C, 13-C, 14-A, 15-B, 16-B, 17-A, 18-A, 19-B, 20-C, 21-C, 22-A, 23-A, 24-C, 25-B, 26-B, 27-A FATHER PAUL BOUDREAU, a priest of the Diocese of Norwich and the author of Between Sundays: Daily Gospel Reflections and Prayers (Twenty-Third Publications). |
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