Gers accept Edinburgh Zoo's pounds 50k bid for Broxi Bear; NEWS JUST IN FOLKS...

Byline: Tam Cowan

WILL the last person to leave Ibrox please switch off the moonbeams... Sir David insists there's no cash crisis at Rangers (nope,he's only flogging the club's top goalscorer for a giggle) and he says there's no panic.

That won't set in until 2015 when Celtic are going for 10 in a row. With Rangers cruelly exposed as a selling club willing to punt their No.1 asset (how else can you describe a player who's scored 91 goals in just 127 appearances) this has been a hellish few days for the diehard supporters.

And it just got worse - Massimo Donati has revealed he wants to go back to Italy...

All this in the week Celtic announce a pounds 29million sponsorship deal with Nike.

Happy days, eh?

Rangers apparently need to raise pounds 3m pronto and they're pounds 23m in debt - so I take it the pounds 700m redevelopment of Ibrox is still going ahead, yeah? Who'll get the contract for that gig now? I wonder if Murphy, the rogue Irish builder once famously employed by Basil Fawlty, is still in business?

With Rangers now struggling to offload Kris Boyd, what happens now? Perhaps Murray will put him on eBay.

Walter Smith knows he'll now have to sell another major asset like, errr, umm...

well, do you think Kyle Lafferty fancies a move to Dukla Pumpherston?

Nah, he's one of the free-scoring strikers expected to replace Boyd and I actually think Lafferty can bag 40 goals a season.

Then again, I also think Verne Troyer will leave the Big Brother house and sign a five-year deal with the Harlem Globetrotters.

Anyway, folks, now that the league is over - Rangers chucked in the towel the minute they agreed to sell Boyd - I think we should concentrate on doing everything in our power to make sure they don't end up like another national institution. I'm talking, of course, about Woolworths. Like many of you, I suppose, I received a text message yesterday revealing that Rangers have accepted Edinburgh Zoo's pounds 50,000 bid for Broxi Bear. But that's just a start. Any other ideas to raise money for the cash-strapped Ibrox giants? Here's just a few of my own...

What about asking Cristiano Ronaldo to donate what's left of his Ferrari to Murray International Metals as scrap?

If the SFL can bail out its member clubs with a pounds 15,000 festive handout, surely Lex Gold can spare a few bob for Rangers?

Perhaps David Weir could give the club his pounds 200 winter fuel allowance.

Why not send former skipper Craig Moore the petty cash and ask him to invest it at an Australian branch of Ladbrokes?

With a big cash prize up for grabs, what about Kenny McDowall and Ally McCoist entering Stars In Their Eyes as Right Said Fred?

Put Andrius Velicka in a Rangers strip, take him to Bonnybridge (the UFO capital of Scotland) and charge locals pounds 10 to have their picture taken with him.

Children In Need star Pudsey is apparently one of the best-known Teddy Bears (he apparently lost his eye in Manchester last summer). Surely he could donate some of November's proceeds to a much more desperate cause?

Rangers should charge Nacho Novo a tenner every time he kisses the badge on his jersey. That pounds 23m debt would be wiped out in no time.

In the papers this week, two fish merchants in Japan paid pounds 70,000 for a 128-kilo bluefin tuna. Might be worth asking if they'd be interested in any of the haddies at Ibrox.

Sir David's pals could help out. What about Sean Connery offering to sleep with Alex Salmond if the First Minister gives Rangers pounds 1m?

Or what about Sir David rounding up all his loyal crawlers in the Scottish media and, with tickets available at pounds 5 a pop, putting on a puppet show at Ibrox for the weans?

One other idea. When AC Milan come to Ibrox next month (for what can only now be described as a pre-season friendly...) maybe someone at the club could kidnap David Beckham and use the ransom money to pay off the bank?

PS. According to my fellow columnist Mark Hateley, selling Boyd and Barry Ferguson could win Walter the SPL title.

But why stop there? By developing that theory, offloading McGregor, Miller and Bougherra surely means next year's Champions League trophy is in the bag?

PPS. If David Murray, a man with a pounds 600m personal fortune, is feeling the effects of the credit crunch, I trust he'll be reducing gate prices for the ordinary punters who already plough fortunes into the club?

PPPS. Once bitten, twice shy. Four simple words Barry Ferguson should remember before even thinking about another move to the English Premiership.

And here's another two - fun' oot.

CAPTION(S):

BEAR-LY A START: Murray will need to sell more than Broxi. Inset, Kris Boyd