Gays' big day is just coo much to take; TV REVIEWS and Previews: Emmerdale; Absolutely Fabulous; Bedsitter.
Well, not a wedding exactly, but a church blessing.
On Tuesday, Frank (Norman Bowler) was having problems with the idea of having to give his daughter away to "a petite blonde", but now he's coming round to the idea. Frank's daughter Zoe (Leah Bracknell) and her lover Emma (Rachel Ambler) are the only two lesbians in the village.
They also appear to be the only two people with a CD player and a selection of classical discs. When they eat at home, there's always something gentle and melodic playing in the background, as the women coo sweet nothings to each other across the dining table.
It was Emma's idea to make their relationship official, and perhaps this means that she will at last get to smile - something that has hitherto evaded her delicate features. Have there ever been two lesbians who frowned so much?
Kathy (Malandra Burrows), on the other hand, is smiling a great deal. She clearly has the hots for the new chef who has brought his "gourmet nights" to Emmerdale, and as she pulls every man who alights from the village bus, it can't be long before they hit the duvet.
It never ceases to amaze me how Kathy always happens to be a free woman at the point that every new man arrives. She's had more men than Deirdre Rachid in Coronation Street, who, quite unbelievably, pulls every man who alights from the Weatherfield bus.
Of course, Kathy never hangs on to them for long. She had that nice American chap who she had to give up when husband Chris was crippled after the plane crash. Then she lost Chris to Rachel - and you have to be really unlucky to lose someone on wheels. Then she lost Dave to Kim.
So far, the chef seems a pretty normal, straightforward sort of chap, but then everyone is when they arrive in Emmerdale. It's only after they've been there a month that strange sides to their personalities start to emerge.
He'll probably turn out to be a bit dodgy. We still don't know why he left the Dorchester; in fact, we have no real evidence he was ever at the Dorchester. He handed a business card to Kathy, and, sure enough, it had the word Dorchester on it; but has Kathy checked it out or taken up references?
There is also great excitement over at Home Farm, where Tina Dingle (Jacqueline Pirie) has taken up the post of housekeeper. Not since Stephanie Beacham and Joan Collins slugged it out in Dynasty have two women been at each other's throats like Kim (Claire King) and Tina.
Frank is loving it and has been given a new lease of life by the squabbling. He needs it, what with his having to plan a wedding reception and write a speech in his role as father of the bride. Meanwhile, the relationship between Kim and Dave is beginning to show signs of strain.
Kim is determined that the "small-minded prigs" in the village won't stop them from doing exactly what they want; Dave is less bullish. Even the poor lad's hair is beginning to show signs of depression. Still, it's nothing that a bit of Prozac shampoo couldn't put right.
IT'S a great treat to see the re-runs of Absolutely Fabulous on BBC1. It really is one of the funniest series ever made, and last night's programme about Edina's weight problem was one of the best ever.
Compare it with Married For Life, ITV's new sitcom starring Russ Abbot. They just aren't in the same league; actually, they don't look as if they're on the same planet.
Galton & Simpson's Bedsitter
PAUL Merton, who used to live in a little bedsit himself, steps into Hancock's old pad and tries everything from singing to taking a critical look at his clothes to while away the lonely hours.