GROUP HELPS PLAN FOR DYING FORUMS WILL COVER END-OF-LIFE ISSUES.

Byline: Amy Raisin  Staff Writer

SANTA CLARITA - As her husband was dying of cancer last year in a hospital bed set up in their living room, Irma Quiroga rode the roller coaster of fear, hope and despair - but could not talk to her spouse about his last wishes.

Julio was a proud, educated man who left his native Argentina in the early 1960s with his bride and first of two children for California, where he worked as an engineer.

When he passed away at 73, she knew her husband wanted to be cremated, but that was it.

``He didn't prepare us for him leaving us,'' said Quiroga, 65. ``He was sick, and I was getting worried. I didn't know how to face it, and we didn't want to talk about it in front of my husband.''

About two months before her husband died last Nov. 15, Quiroga found the End-of-Life Coalition, a local support group that counsels people on grief, carrying out a loved-one's last wishes and about some of the lesser-known health-care options.

Through tears, she shared her feelings with the newly formed support group and learned the importance of planning for the inevitable - now, the second-grade teacher is compiling her own end-of-life wishes to ease the burden on her grown son and daughter.

``I couldn't tell my husband about the group. He would be so hurt,'' Quiroga said Saturday in her North Park home. ``Maybe it's a generational thing, a cultural thing, but he would not talk about dying.''

Formed about a year ago after the acclaimed documentary ``On Our Own Terms'' aired on PBS, the End-of-Life Coalition has chapters in Santa Clarita and San Fernando, with an estimated 20 members in each.

Diane Kelly, a nurse and director of long-term care at Kaiser Permanente hospital, found that people need to be more comfortable with talking about death and sharing their wishes with loved ones.

``We need to change how we're dying in the United States,'' Kelly said. ``A study in 1995 showed that people weren't dying the way they wanted to. The coalition looks at end-of-life issues, helping people make plans.''

One of the newest components discussed at the meetings, held every other month, is a booklet called Five Wishes, which documents preferences - such as ``I would like to die at home, if possible,'' or ``I do not want life-support treatment'' - to guide family and friends.

``When a person is sick you make so many mistakes,'' Quiroga said. ``Even just out of love for the person. I've started filling out the (Five Wishes) book. The time to do this is when you're well. It's something everybody should do.''

Quiroga remembers that when her husband lost his appetite, she and her children tried to fortify him with numerous healthy dishes - when the last thing he wanted to do was eat.

``We made him eat; we thought it would help him. But now, if my body is shutting down, don't make me eat,'' Quiroga said.

The coalition will hold a public forum called ``Finding Our Way, Living and Dying in Santa Clarita,'' on consecutive Saturdays in October for those interested in end-of-life issues.

The first forum begins at 8:30 a.m. on Oct. 20 at Blessed Kateri Church, 22508 Copperhill Drive in Santa Clarita, followed by a separate forum on Oct. 27 at Our Lady of Perpetual Help, 23233 Lyons Ave., Santa Clarita.

Valencia resident Ron Joller, 59, lives with his wife and mother-in-law and attends the group meetings to gain guidance on a sensitive subject.

``My mother-in-law is 82. She's a lovely person who wears bright colors and does her hair just so,'' Joller said. ``But she refuses to talk to us about her wishes after she's gone. She doesn't want to deal with anything that deals with the end of life.

``We want to know if she has any special wishes, but she'll just change the subject. She won't make out a will. In her mind she's too young,'' he said. ``In her mind there is no end of life. That's for other people.''

Coalition founder Kelly said Joller's situation is increasingly common as the baby boomer generation deals with elderly parents.

``Not being honest or avoiding the subject prevents people from planning and taking care of unfinished business, like telling people you love them, or that you're sorry for something that happened,'' Kelly said.

Joller said his father, who died in his sleep a few years ago, planned everything in case he were to die suddenly or become unable to communicate.

``He would always tell me where things were - his financial trust, his wishes,'' Joller said. ``I'd say, Dad, don't worry about that, let's go get some breakfast. But after he died, I wish I would have talked to him more about it.''

For information about the group or the coming public forums, call Diane Kelly at [phone], or e-mail her at dianekelly55(at)hotmail.com.

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As Irma Quiroga's husband, Julio, was dying of cancer, she found comfort and support with the End-of-Life Coalition.

Michael Owen Baker/Staff Photographer