GROUP COPES WITH DEATHS : NURSES SAY SHARING GRIEF HELPS AFTER STILLBIRTHS, MISCARRIAGES.

Byline: Mary Schubert Daily News Staff Writer

Renee Dominguez had enjoyed a normal pregnancy. Her two young sons were excited about their little brother on the way. Then, five days before his due date, little Greysen Daniel Dominguez died in her womb.

``I woke up one morning and he wasn't moving,'' the 28-year-old Valencia woman recalled. She went to the hospital, where doctors listened for a heartbeat, performed an ultrasound, and then induced labor.

Seven hours later, Dominguez delivered her stillborn son. While May 27 was Greysen's birthday, May 26 probably was the day he died, she said.

``He got the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and his ankle,'' Dominguez said. ``It was just a fluke accident.''

In the months since the stillbirth, Dominguez has sought solace with the Santa Clarita Valley Infant and Pregnancy Loss Support Group, started eight years ago by two maternity nurses at Henry Mayo Newhall Memorial Hospital.

One of the founders went through two unsuccessful pregnancies. The other said the group has reminded her how lucky she is to be a mother of two.

The group meets monthly at the hospital. At noon on Nov. 3, the organization will hold its eighth annual Walk to Remember, a memorial service in Chapel of the Oaks at Eternal Valley Memorial Park cemetery. The event includes the release of balloons, each bearing a note about a member's deceased baby.

Peggy Elgen, one of the founders, said there is mutual support in the group for women who have suffered miscarriages or stillbirths, couples whose children have died of sudden infant death syndrome, and other parents who have lost a baby.

``I think our goal is to help them come to the resolution of their grief,'' Elgen said. ``They're going through . . . disorientation, denial, depression and anger.''

She said healing is helped by forging a camaraderie of sorts with others who have suffered similar loss. A common theme emerges as members relate their experiences, Elgen said.

`` `We're good people. Why did this have to happen to us?' And that question can never be answered,'' Elgen said.

``Most people don't go into a pregnancy thinking about all the horrible things that could go wrong.''

Janel and Tom Fitzgerald had been trying to conceive for nearly a year when the Ventura woman learned she was pregnant in March.

The couple's elation was short-lived because Janel, 27, began having complications. She miscarried 5-1/2 weeks into her first pregnancy.

``I just bled for four days,'' Janel said. Doctors had to perform a dilation and curettage to remove the dead fetus.

Friends and relatives were sympathetic, but they didn't quite understand the couple's profound sadness, Janel said.

``No one really wanted to talk about it,'' she said. She said people told her, ``You just need to get over it,'' and ``It wasn't really a baby, anyway,'' and ``You can have another one'' - no comfort at all to her.

Elgen said the support group fills a need for people like the Fitzgeralds.

``People don't want to listen anymore. Friends and family get tired of hearing about it,'' she said. ``At the meetings, they know it's OK to cry.''

Any death of a child can also strain the parents' relationship with each other, Elgen said, because men and women often have different ways of grieving.

``The guy a lot of times will say, `I'm just going to immerse myself in my work and I'm going to get over it,' '' Elgen said.

Some parents mark the birth or death date at the cemetery, putting toys on the grave site. ``A lot of them have places in their homes where they have pictures of the babies. They'll put pictures of the baby's ultrasound in a frame,'' Elgen said.

Last year, Elgen sent Christmas cards to support group members in memory of the babies who died. The recipients, she said, were touched that somebody had remembered their loss.

Janel Fitzgerald said Nov. 5 will be tough for her. She doesn't want her due date to pass like an ordinary Tuesday, but she's not sure how to acknowledge it. ``I don't know how I'm going to feel that day,'' she said.

Dominguez said she has leaned on her religious faith to pull her through the hard times, consoling herself that her child is in heaven.

She got through her labor, she said, by reciting some Bible verses she had memorized to soothe her broken heart. ``Even though I just felt like I couldn't make it, the Lord was there helping me and caring for me,'' Dominguez said.

Greysen weighed 8 pounds, 2 ounces and was 22 inches long.

``We held him. My husband gave him a bath,'' Dominguez recalled. ``We kept him about three hours - touched him, kissed him and cried.''

Elgen, whose daughter is 25 and son is 23, said most parents reach the point of acceptance that their baby has died without trying to forget their child. Some couples decide not to attempt another pregnancy, but the support group's newsletter often contains the happy news of birth announcements among the membership.

Janel Fitzgerald said she and her husband hope to have another child, maybe in the coming year.

Dominguez, who also lost a four-month fetus in 1993, said the miscarriage and stillbirth haven't discouraged her. She and her husband Gil want two more children.

``I'm almost more determined now. I don't want to end on a bad note,'' she said. ``I just want to end it with a better memory.''