GRANDPARENTS HELP BRIDGE FAMILIAL GAP : U.S. CENSUS DATA SHOW RETIREES TRADING IN GOLDEN YEARS TO RAISE CHILDREN'S KIDS.

Byline: Michael Coit Daily News Staff Writer

March marks a bittersweet anniversary for Jack and Pat Zimmerman.

The Simi Valley couple came out of retirement nearly three years ago to raise two grandchildren after their daughter died suddenly and her husband wrote a note acknowledging he couldn't provide for Levi and Danniel.

A year later, Myrna and Harvey Maysr gained legal custody of their two grandchildren. After caring for Tara and Ryan for nine months while their daughter battled personal problems, the Thousand Oaks couple took a tough stand and turned to the courts.

Seniors across Ventura County are starting over as parents for their children's children, mirroring a national trend that finds greater numbers of grandparents sacrificing retirement and returning to work as primary providers.

``I thought this stuff was way behind us. I sure didn't think that we would ever have a teen-ager again,'' said Zimmerman, 62.

Zimmerman resumed a tax accounting practice and his wife returned to work as his secretary to provide for Levi, 13, and Danniel, 11. The youngsters are active in youth soccer and track and have turned into top students after a difficult emotional transition.

Their grandparents are proud, yet pushed to keep pace as they try to continue square dancing and enjoy increasingly infrequent vacations alone. ``We had a motor home and just took off and came back when we wanted to. Now all traveling has to be built around their school, so summertime or weekends if we can get away,'' Zimmerman said. ``I don't see an end.''

On the other hand, the Maysrs had hoped their daughter could hold down a job and provide for Tara, 4, and Ryan, 3, while dealing with her problems, but they eventually realized the responsibilities were too overwhelming.

``For everybody involved, it was a very, very painful process,'' Myrna Maysr recalled of the family law proceedings that resulted in a judge granting the couple legal custody. ``In the beginning, it probably devastated her. But now it has given her space for her recovery.''

While Myrna Maysr stays home with the young siblings, Harvey continues to work, at age 56, as chief financial officer for a graphic arts firm. ``What keeps us going is what kept us going the first time - their welfare, their love. And I didn't want them to go to custodial care.''

At last count, there were nearly 4 million children living with grandparents or other relatives in the United States, according to the U.S. Census Bureau in 1994.

``It's not a new trend, but it's been something that grandparents just did and never talked about,'' said Sue Tatangelo, the county official who leads the Bridging the Gap with Grandparents group that began meeting last fall. She said the group's goal is as ``the bridge from families falling apart to families falling together.''

Both Bridging the Gap and the group TUGS - Together United Grandparents - were formed to provide emotional support, resource referrals and advocacy for grandparents in the county who have accepted temporary or permanent responsibility for raising their grandchildren, organizers said.

The groups also provide practical help with speakers, including judges from the Ventura family law and probate courts, attorneys and court investigators who work on guardianship and custody cases, child-care providers and counselors.

Jan Richman said she founded TUGS five years ago and continues to help lead the group so the increasing number of grandparent caregivers can avoid or at least endure tough times for the sake of their children's children.

``I think the nature of our commitment is very intense because we really do realize that they need us in a very fundamental way.

``If I look at this little boy's face, that is everything,'' Richman said of grandson Gary, for whom she has been legal guardian the past two years.

Issues frequently faced are legal questions dealing with visitation, guardianship and custody, and financial concerns, mostly whether to seek welfare assistance and the potential impact on the grandchildren's parents.

``It just amazes me, every time we have a support group meeting, how many grandparents need information,'' Tatangelo said. ``That's what I see our role is. There's help out there.''

Plenty of grandparents have become regular members of both groups: Tatangelo said about 40 are active in Bridging the Gap; Richman said there are about 150 on the TUGS mailing list.

Susan Ratzkin, a Thousand Oaks attorney who has represented grandparents in custody and guardianship cases in the Ventura courts for the past five years, said both provide invaluable assistance. When she speaks to the groups, Ratzkin said she urges grandparents to be prepared for the worst from the legal system in the beginning and expect a much better result in the end.

``What I forewarn them about is that the courts in California have a preference for children to be with their parents,'' Ratzkin said. ``It's a balancing act for the court system to best meet the children's needs and still allow the children to have access to an extended family.''

Relationships between grandparents and their grandchildren can range from court-ordered visitation if the parents remain married, to adoption, which terminates the rights of biological parents.

Between those extremes are court-ordered visitation or custody after a divorce or paternity case, or guardianship in the absence of such legal proceedings.

Ratzkin said the most successful cases end with parents recognizing - often following mediation - that children should remain with grandparents, knowing they have not sacrificed all parental rights.

``I find it some of the most rewarding part of my practice,'' Ratzkin said. ``Family law is often very adversarial and in these cases these people are in court truly because they think these children need help, that they need to be protected.''

Richman explained that her experience, beginning with visitation and ending with legal custody of 7-year-old Gary, shows that the legal system gives parents the benefit of proving they can care for their children.

``We encourage grandparents as much as possible to work out their own case,'' Richman said of the TUGS group. ``If you go to war, then all the child has is the experience of the most important adults in their life fighting each other.''

The Maysrs credit Richman and TUGS with providing important emotional support in dealing with their daughter. She didn't fight them over the legal custody issue, and they hope she can regain custody.

Part of the Maysrs' tough-love approach was in deciding to accept welfare payments totaling about $500 a month, which help pay for nursery school, day care and other enrichment programs. Their daughter must make monthly payments to the county District Attorney's Office as a result.

Myrna Maysr said ``taking a tough stand'' was made easier after talking with other members of the support group. ``That's another reason why the groups are good, because you realize that you're not the only people.''

The Zimmermans discovered TUGS after attending the first two Bridging the Gap meetings. Jack Zimmerman said meeting with other grandparents convinced them that legal custody of their two grandchildren would be more reassuring than continuing to rely on the worn and fading agreement written by their son-in-law three years ago.

``I think it's important to the kids and for us,'' he said. ``Schools are letting them in because of the letter; they haven't said anything. But it would be nice to show them something that's legal.''

For Zimmerman, his second time around as a parent is a welcome challenge.

``I think God is testing me,'' he said. ``It's been great so far. They're excellent kids.''

THE FACTS

A recent study by the American Association of Retired Persons found:

Most grandparent caregivers are 50 to 60 years old, and nearly 70 percent are married.

About 65 percent of the grandchildren are between preschool age and 11.

Some 40 percent of grandparent caregivers are working and nearly 50 percent are on fixed incomes.

More than 70 percent took over as caregivers because their children abused drugs or alcohol, or abused or neglected their children.

Nearly three in four of the grandparents are permanent caregivers.

For more information on grandparents raising grandchildren, call:

Bridging the Gap with Grandparents, [phone].

Together United Grandparents, [phone]

AARP Grandparent Information Center, Washington, D.C., [phone].

CAPTION(S):

Photo, Box

Photo: (color) Pat and Jack Zimmerman received legal custody of their grandkids Levi Merrill, left, and Danniel after their mother's death.

Evan Yee/Daily News

Box: THE FACTS (see text)