GRADING THE SPEECHES.

Byline: - Glenn Whipp

It was a little hard to concentrate on what they were saying, what with that annoying, white-noise orchestral music playing under everything ... but here's the skinny on the performances from the podium.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Self-effacing as always (dug the ``All right, so I'm not winning director'' opening line), Clooney was gracious, though a tad smug. Yes, the academy gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939. The next black winner? An honorary Oscar for the guy who played Uncle Remus in Disney's ``Song of the South.''

It took 24 years for another black to win an acting award (Sidney Poitier) and another 20 years for another black actor to win (Louis Gossett Jr.). So hold the self-congratulatory talk about a progressive academy, OK? B

JORDAN HOUSTON, CEDRIC COLEMAN AND PAUL BEAUREGARD

Whassup, academy? Fantastic if only for its freshness, spontaneity, incongruity and bleepability, and the fact that these were the first Oscar winners to take the stage wearing throwback jerseys, sneakers and bling-studded teeth.

And the best song winner prompted the best line of the night from host Jon Stewart, ``I think it just got a little easier out here for a pimp.'' B

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Name-checks mom, other nominees, Van Morrison. Really, really loves ``Capote'' filmmakers. Fails to make good on promise to David Letterman to bark like a dog during his entire speech. C

REESE WITHERSPOON

Sports the biggest thank-you list of any winner, but tedium alleviated by her radiance and the heartfelt shout-out to Mom and Dad. ``It didn't matter if I was making a bed or making a movie, they never hesitated to tell me how proud they were of me,'' she said. B-

PAUL HAGGIS AND BOBBY MORESCO

Winners for original screenplay for ``Crash,'' Haggis (who won another Oscar as one of the film's producers) nervously thanked supporters and applauded people who silently stand up for peace and justice.

Moresco? Well, we'll never know because the show's producers never let him speak. All we saw was Charlize Theron's jaw hit the floor, reacting to this classless bit of timekeeping. B-

NICK PARK AND STEVE BOX

We don't really remember anything the ``Wallace & Gromit'' filmmakers said, but we loved their striped bow ties and the matching neck wear they fastened on their Oscars. B

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

Reese Witherspoon gets a B-minus for her long, emotional speech, which featured lengthy thanks to her parents: ``It didn't matter if I was making a bed or making a movie, they never hesitated to tell me how proud they were of me.''

John McCoy/Staff Photographer