GOOD IDEAS FOR BAD GARDENERS HERE'S HELP FOR SERIAL PLANT KILLERS.

Byline: Phil Davis Staff Writer

My confession: I figured the cactus could take it. Here is a plant with millions of years of evolution on its side. A plant that thrives in burning sunlight and dry soil. A plant that could survive my black thumb.

But after months of watching this proud thing turn to mush in my living room, I shamefully hauled it to the place where I dumped the other browned carcasses. You name it, I've killed it at some point - ferns, palms, creeping vines, Bermuda grass, even my dad's beloved roses.

My sentence: life in a sterile vacuum of a house, devoid of plant life. Or an investment in silk plants that make a living room resemble the lobby at Denny's.

No thanks. There's no substitute for nature. Fortunately for all the plant imbeciles, seasoned garden pros like Teresa Holmes and Robin Pokorski are willing to share their knowledge, if only to stop the slaughter.

The good news is that Southern California is a great place for bad gardeners.

``We have a Mediterranean climate,'' said Pokorski, president of the Southern California Garden Club. ``There are few better climates. We get enough temperature changes to bring in more interesting plants. We're not stuck with just desert plants.''

Here's a crash course in plant life:

--The first rule for bad gardeners: Go where you can get expert advice, said Holmes, nursery manager at Chatsworth Nursery Center on Topanga Canyon Boulevard. Plant killers need the kind of serious help and handholding available at local nurseries.

--Be prepared. Bring photos of the areas where you want to put plants. Note where the sunlight comes from - north, south, east or west - and the number of hours the area gets sun. A skilled nursery worker will steer you to the most suitable plants.

--Pay attention to watering. Lavatera loves water. Blue hibiscus has a more moderate thirst. It can be tricky. Garden experts agree that watering is a major problem. Indoor plants - which typically hail from tropical climates - often are underwatered. Outdoor plants are frequently flooded, an overreaction to the Southland's dry climate.

``We're so afraid they're not getting enough water,'' Pokorski said. ``Tomatoes, for example, don't like too much water. But people just flood them. They think it will make the tomatoes bigger.''

--Watering tips: Plants that look mushy, turn yellow or start drooping are probably getting too much water. Curling leaves is a sign things are dry. Most plants like moist soil, and should not be allowed to sit in standing water (in the saucer under the pot, for instance) for more than 15 minutes.

--Planting: Another rookie gardener mistake is not breaking or loosening up the root ball before planting. ``It retards the growth and keeps it from venturing,'' Holmes said. ``The roots get twisted and tied, and the roots keep going around in circles.''

--Making choices: Finally, think practical, not pretty. Fuchsia is a pretty plant that looks tough, but it is notoriously finicky about water and sun. A rookie will kill it within weeks. Most people rush into a garden store and pick the prettiest plant, giving little thought to how it will fare in the environment where they intend to plant it.

``Ask questions,'' Holmes said. ``It's important to know how much water the plant likes, the amount and duration of the sun, and the proper container size.''

Tough enough

Hibiscus - with its pretty flowers and light watering requirements - is ideal for gardeners lacking the green-thumb gene. Five plants that can take punishment:

--Jasmine: This fragrant outdoor vine prefers sunlight, but will do well in partial sunlight. Jasmine will climb just about anything, so it's great to increase privacy around a chain link fence or a trellis. It blooms in the summer months and takes a moderate amount of water, roughly three to four cups every other day. The soil should never go dry.

--Spider plant: Simple, and hardy, this little houseplant will do well inside. It needs filtered sunlight and moderate water. Green and white or tricolor spider plants are much more sensitive. Rookies should keep it simple and go green.

--Hibiscus: Another hardy choice for people looking for a large, colorful outdoor plant. ``Hibiscus is going to grow,'' said Robin Pokorski, president of the Southern California Garden Club. ``They're big, they produce pretty flowers, and they're pretty. They're good in all kinds of sunlight, and they don't take much care.'' Hibiscus likes light watering, roughly four to five cups once or twice a week.

--Mother-in-law tongue: Looks like giant thick blades of grass, and Chatsworth Nursery Center manager Teresa Holmes said it's just about as tough. ``They thrive on abuse and neglect,'' Holmes said. ``Don't water them, don't talk to them, don't fertilize them, and they survive.'' The plant likes filtered sun and very light water, roughly half a cup once a month.

--Queen Elizabeth roses: This popular shrubbery has a reputation as hard to work with, but Pokorski said the Queen Elizabeth is not typical finicky royalty. ``Bugs shrink from a Queen Elizabeth and you get great flowers,'' Pokorski said. Roses like at least four to six hours of sunlight a day, and they also like water, up to two or three times a week. Roses in containers may need more than that.

- Phil Davis

CAPTION(S):

7 photos, box

Photo: (1 -- cover -- color) On the cover: Pinkish-purple lavatera makes a lovely - and water-loving - addition to your garden.

(2 -- 3 -- color) Yellow jasmine, left, and alyssum are simple to grow.

(4 -- 5 -- color) Chatsworth Nursery Center manager Teresa Holmes advises loosening roots, above, and suggests dianthus as an easy-to-care-for plant.

(6 -- color) Hibiscus is ideal for gardeners lacking the green-thumb gene.

Tina Burch/Staff Photographer

(7) no caption (See 1 above)

Box: Tough enough (See text)