GOING POSTAL; LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING WITH CATALOGS FROM YOUR FAVORITE STORES.

Byline: Barbara De Witt Daily News Fashion Editor

Fake Santas, screaming kids, off-key carolers, aggressive perfume sprayers, militant shoppers. And don't forget that frantic fight for the last remaining parking space.

Yes, the holiday shopping season has begun, and it's enough to drive you into mall madness. It may not be as frightening as, say, mad cow disease, but, hey, it's real and there is no cure.

However, you can take preventive measures by avoiding large crowds of mall rats, drinking plenty of fluids and resting in bed with a stack of catalogs.

Going postal and shopping by catalog is such a civilized alternative. At your leisure, you can flip the pages, check them twice and play virtual Santa without ever leaving home.

Catalogs, originally filled with utilitarian stuff such as washing machines and farm implements, are now slick, fashion-savvy publications promoting luxury gifts such as furs and jewels, custom-made dog clothes, toddler toys with real motors and themed travel packages for adults who want to run away from home.

Among the 10,000 catalogs available, some are from the same stores you'll find at the mall, while others are dedicated to special interests - from reproductions of famous paintings to gifts for serious bird-watchers.

Some 131 million Americans shop by catalog, and many of those folks live in California, according to Dana Anselmo of the New York-based Direct Marketing Association, which represents 3,600 direct marketers and tracks catalog sales.

To make shopping even easier than in the past, most catalog companies have 24-hour phone service, so you can place orders whenever you get the urge. But do order early, Anselmo advises, as most deliveries take two to four weeks.

If you're new at this shopping style, read on. Here's a sampling of what you'll find as near as your phone or keyboard:

Neiman Marcus Christmas Book

This is THE catalog you're always hearing about, the one with all the out-of-this-world gifts that you wish you could give - or receive. This year, the biggies are the Windjet speed boat that acts like a dock for his-and-her personal watercrafts (think of it as a Harley on water) for $32,600, and your own Happy Days Diner with neon signs, custom-built stainless steel booths and Formica-topped counters and jukebox, all for $195,000. And for the kiddo who has everything, an electric guitar with miniature amplifier for $288.

Budget shoppers can find a few lavish gifts, too, such as mink earmuffs for $85 and a glass tree ornament designed by the late Gianni Versace for $98. Call [phone] for the catalog.

Saks Fifth Avenue Holiday Book

A fantasy world tucked inside its glossy pages, the SFA catalog offers a speedy red Scarab boat with two 500-horsepower engines that sleeps four, for $240,000 ... a platinum diamond brooch in a poinsettia design for $47,000 ... and his-and-her full-length Blackwillow mink coats, $50,000 with a matching sleigh blanket for $17,500.

Slightly more tangible gifts include a silver-plated pencil sharpener for $225, a colorful rocking dinosaur (instead of a horse) for $395, and red cashmere pajamas for $470. Call [phone] for details.

Bloomingdale's by Mail

The winter catalog features all kinds of accessories for the home, including a blue and gold rococo clock and matching pair of urns for the fireplace mantel for $647; a silver-plated punch bowl with eight cups and a ladle for $129.98; and an ornate silver screen inspired by India for $1,149.

To order, call [phone].

Talbots

The holiday catalog offers wooden ornament frames, cashmere sweaters, leather goods and holiday dresses, but our faves were the rain boots, just in time for El Nino's wet weather. Among the styles are Cole Haan's rubber penny loafers for $80; tall black waterproof boots for $108 and satin-finished Gore-Tex nylon boots for $158, all in black or brown. To order, call [phone].

Nordstrom Holiday 1997

This catalog has lots of clothing, but we liked the small gifties, such as the Hansa business card cases in solid nickel engraved with old-fashioned designs for $22; the Hush Puppies dog slippers with animal heads, $14.95 and Classiques Entier notepad cases in bright citrus-colored lizard-embossed leather for $25. If you've got to splurge, try the Stuart Weitzman rhinestone-studded strappy evening pumps for $235, and the man's belt with sterling buckle engraved with his initials for $225. Call [phone] to order.

Warner Bros. Studio Store

Scooby-Doo as an angel tree topper is one of the funniest gifts in this new catalog, but there's so much more for Warner Bros. fans and the young at heart. Some of the highlights include a Marvin the Martian telephone for $40; a hot pink hooded pullover in heavy fleece with Tweety for $44; and a Tickle Me Bugs stuffed toy that laughs in Mel Blanc's original character voice when you tickle his belly, priced at $34. To order, call [phone].

Disney Catalog

Just like the Disney store at the mall, this catalog is stuffed full of items featuring the faces of all your favorite characters from Mickey to Tigger. Beyond all the sweat shirts and stuffed animals, Disney offers some grown-up gifts such as a bronze-finished welcome plaque engraved with the family's name to hang on a door or the garden gate for $68. Cheerful Mickey Mouse doormats made of the currently trendy coco fiber are $18, and a set of colorful salt-and-pepper shakers shaped like Minnie's red hair bow and yellow shoe are $13.50. To order, call [phone].

Toys R Us Big Toy Book

The ultimate toy source features full-color photos of all the stuff your children want. This way you can look together to see that Barbie is now a dentist who actually talks to her tiny patients, $15.99, and also a skateboarder with a giant dog on a leash for $24.99. Other cute ideas include Sing & Snore Ernie, a ``Sesame Street'' character wearing jammies and bunny slippers who talks, sings and snores (it's a hoot) for $27.99; and a laptop computer with a mouse features 34 activities and 1,000 trivia questions for children 8 and up, priced at $74.99. They also have less pricey models for younger children. For more information, call [phone].

Nature Company Catalog

For that bird lover in the family, how about a wall clock that chirps the hour? Your parakeet will never be lonely with this timekeeper that sings on the hour with ornithologically accurate calls of 12 different species of North American birds, which are featured instead of numbers on the clock face. It's $29.

Other nifty gift ideas include a stargazing telescope for $169; Yote, the African game of checkers for $16; and an adopt-a-Siberian-tiger membership for $20. The latter is a yearlong program with newsletters, a photo of your tiger and a bumper sticker. To order, call [phone].

Discovery Channel Catalog

Forget the bathrobe-and-slippers gifts and zero in on some highly eclectic and educational gifts. Among the pages you'll find a reproduction of the Rosetta stone, which was found in the Nile Delta in 1799, for $89. Or, how about an authentic map of ancient Jerusalem framed in brass for $200.

Other suggestions include a calculator powered by water for $26; a CD that plays the pops, crackles and roar of the wind in a vintage airplane for $15.95; and a solid bronze replica of an ancient Greek incense vessel for $68. To order, call [phone].

Jazz Store Catalog

This small catalog focuses on music lovers with a passion for blue notes. Among the gifts, you'll find a 1948 poster of Manhattan's 52nd Street, after dark with the neon signs of famous jazz locales such as the Onyx and Three Deuces for $35; a gold-toned set of drumsticks to pin on your lapel for $15; and rare footage of Gene Krupa on videocassette for $39.95. To order, call [phone].

Franklin Mint

You've seen their ads for years in magazines, but now you've got the whole store in your lap. Just for Christmas the Franklin Mint offers a Mack fire engine with 200 separate parts and a leather upholstered seat, complete with Santa and a pair of Dalmatians for five installments of $59. For game players, the ultimate Clue board game features a three-dimensional board that features all of the rooms decorated with art and historic furnishings. And the weapons - remember the candlestick, the revolver and the wrench - are dipped in gold. Also offered on the installment plan, this collector's edition is available for 15 monthly payments of $37. To order, call [phone].

Victoria's Secret

This is lingerie heaven, home of the $200 Miracle Bra that glitters with hundreds of Austrian crystals and also features strategic padding. Less flashy is the cutesy collection of pink heart-trimmed nighties, pajamas and robes, priced from $29 to $129. To order, call [phone].

Ikea

You'll find all the same colorful, contemporary furniture you see in the stores, from cradles to convertible sofas. But for fast fashion, check out Tullsta tub chairs for $149 that come in a choice of bright red, yellow or blue cotton. The round Ticka alarm clock in orange plastic for $12.95 is nifty, and so is the entire collection of children's furniture that has cartoony shapes and bright colors, starting at $19.95. Call locally at [phone] or direct at [phone].

Around the Corner Fine Art

Forget the posters. This little catalog is packed with hand-painted reproductions of all the famous paintings you've seen in museums. You can even commission a painting for $1,000 and up, but if you need a gift in a hurry, there are oil-painted copies of da Vinci's ``Mona Lisa'' for $329; Renoir's ``Luncheon of the Boating Party'' for $409 and Van Gogh's ``Notte Stellata'' for $445. To order, call [phone].

Kenneth Cole Holiday

This is hipster territory, where most of the merchandise is black and the accessories have an artistic edge. Gifties here include silver salt-and-pepper shaker cufflinks for $45; black leather loafers with a Gucci-like silver harness ornament, $108; and a raglan-sleeved way-cool carcoat in (you guessed it) black leather, $595. Call [phone].

Wireless Holiday 1997

A catalog for fans and friends of public radio, Wireless has offbeat novelties such as ``Mr. Bill'' videos for $19.95; Gumby and Pokey mugs for $15; and mailboxes in the shape of a tractor (it's painted green like a John Deere vehicle) for $69.50. Another fun idea is the ``Home Improvement''-inspired boxer shorts with a life-sized tool belt on the front for $18. To order, call [phone].

Patagonia

We're talking clothes for the great outdoors, and the emphasis is on places that actually get cold during the winter. Gift ideas include a frisky red bib overall-style snowsuit with stretch panels in the back and sides with sliders that allow you to vent your legs when the temperature changes for $375; and fleece tights designed to shed snow and resist wind when skydiving, priced at $95. To order, call [phone].

Duncraft

A holiday gift guide for bird lovers, the hot tickets are a portable heated birdbath, so the birdies won't get their feet cold, for $36.95; and a Victorian-themed red wrought-iron bird feeder from Great Britain for $74.95. Call [phone] to order.

Toscano

When practical gifts just won't do, there's always the Toscano catalog. It's filled with big-ticket items for the friend who has everything ... or simply has gothic tastes. We scouted out some of the more unusual gifts that include a huge stone gargoyle to guard the house and tell the time, priced at $99.95; a real British telephone booth (in red) for $9,450; an exact duplicate of the door knocker at No. 10 Downing St. (with lion head) for $64.95; and a stone/resin wall frieze of urn carriers like the one on the Parthenon's northern wall for $445. The classy wall sculpture is a biggie (47 inches wide and 42 inches tall), so plan to put it over the fireplace or dedicate an entire wall. To order, call [phone].

Orvis Clothing & Gifts

This traditional catalog is big on cheery sweaters and wintry jackets, but they also have some whimsy. Our fave is the dog angel tree-topper. It features a porcelain head of your favorite breed of dog in a white dotted net gown with little silver wings for $39. Orvis has Labradors and golden retrievers in stock, but will custom order other breeds. To order, call [phone].

Horchow Home

Fancy stuff for fancy homes is what Horchow is known for, and this year it's no different. In the fall catalog, we spotted a leather humidor with vintage cigar labels on leather that's lined in cedar and fitted with a brass hygrometer to make sure your cigars stay fresh for $645. Luxe looks on the cheap include a rosewood pocket-watch stand (suitable for granddad's gold pocket watch) for $125 and a box of custom-decorated soaps that look exactly like French pastries with candied violets on top and come nestled in pink pleated candy papers for $12. To order, call [phone]. P.S. They'll take a Neiman Marcus credit card.

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10 Photos

Photo: (1--Cover--Color) Call on CATALOGS...and take a HOLIDAY from the mall

(2--Color) The Around the Corner Fine Art catalog offers oil paintings of famous works such as this portrait of the Empress of Austria, $2,895.

(3--Color) Your little princess can be a biker chick on purple wheels with a real motor, $175 from the Disney Catalog.

(4--Color) Get the scooter he never had back in the '50s. This retro-inspired Velcifero with a walnut dash board is $3,590 in the Neiman Marcus Christmas book.

(5--Color) The face on this watch is so bright, she'll never forget it on the dresser, $75 in the Kenneth Cole catalog.

(6--Color) This zodiac-themed walking stick from London is $62 in the Daily Planet catalog.

(7--Color) A tepee big enough to sleep three kids is $135 in the Neiman Marcus Christmas book.

(8--Color) Rockabye your baby in solid wood for $84 in the Ikea catalog.

(9--Color) Bugs Bunny flies into the wild blue yonder in a tiny die-cast model of a Lockheed Air Express plane, $38.50 from Warner Bros. Studio Store catalog.

(10--Color) No caption (Catalogs from Victoria's Secret, Nordstrom and Wireless