GIANTS, RAVENS: DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

Byline: NORMAN CHAD The NFL 

It is now the nation vs. New Jersey (plus one retirement village in Deerfield Beach, Fla., where 82 percent of the residents are transplanted New Yorkers). It is a national emergency - surpassed in recent memory only by the Cuban Missile Crisis in '62 - that demands pressing attention for our immediate welfare: The New York Giants are four quarters away from Super Bowl XXXV.

(Amazingly, Giants quarterback Kerry Collins will be playing in his second NFC Championship Game in five seasons, which is the football equivalent of Kevin Bacon getting two Golden Globe nominations in five years.)

(By the way, in the event of a Giants-Ravens Super Bowl, schoolchildren are being asked to crouch under their desks and await further instruction).

Are we just going to sit helpless and hapless while Howard Cross and Glenn Parker and Ike Hilliard stumble into Tampa on Jan. 28 unwanted and unbridled?

Oh no we're not. I am here for my Minnesota Vikings. And I realize these Vikings have not even been outdoors since Thanksgiving (to throw out the trash, after dinner). All of us - and I do mean all of us who are not currently looking for a parking space at Paramus Mall - are with Denny and Daunte, Randy and Cris. So, for all of us, I have prepared a simple guide for the Vikings.

Critical Tips for Your Turnpike Trip:

1. Dress warmly.

2. Check your footwear. The Giants used to play on artificial grass, now they play on real dirt.

3. Of the neighboring hotels, the Meadowlands Sheraton probably has the best coffee.

4. New Jersey Gov. Christine Whitman has been named head of the EPA, so don't be throwing Gatorade cups out the bus window.

5. If you are visiting Manhattan, use either the George Washington Bridge or the Lincoln Tunnel. Avoid the Holland Tunnel at all costs.

6. On the Garden State Parkway, you need exact change to use the exact- change toll booth.

7. Under no circumstances go to IKEA on a Saturday.

8. Avoid Times Square at night, unless you want to see a bunch of people from Minnesota wandering around looking for ``Cats.''

9. As a precaution, it might be a good idea to lock your lockers in the Giants Stadium locker room.

10. Don't talk to anyone in the stands.

11. Don't even make eye contact.

12. The Giants' best player wears No. 21, has a cast on his left arm and bears a striking resemblance to the Buccaneers' Ronde Barber. Stop him.

13. Alcohol sales at Giants Stadium are restricted to spectators only.

14. Aside to Cris Carter: Please don't signal first down after you make a catch. I know you're just trying to help the officials, but just let them do their job.

15. Aside to Randy Moss: Don't push off on Jason Sehorn. Just run right by him.

16. Aside to Red McCombs: Don't wear that Vikings ``00'' jersey into the Meadowlands. Some Giants fan might mistake you for target practice.

17. Forego all field-goal attempts. There are more kickers than teamsters buried at Giants Stadium.

18. Tackle someone, for crying out loud.

19. Even if you're losing by nine points with 1:38 to play, you can still win. These are the Giants.

Naturally, I'll be backing the Vikings as a two-point favorite, but to hedge my bet, I'll also be booking passage to the Galapagos Islands for next week.

In the other contest of interest Sunday, the AFC Championship Game, the Ravens play the Raiders in Oakland. This features Art Modell vs. Al Davis, two scamps passing in the night - one in a camelhair coat, the other in a jump suit. Ah, yes, Modell. Let's not forget: When the Colts abandoned Baltimore, they did it in the dead of night; when Modell stuck it to Cleveland, he did it in broad daylight. Same moving van, different license plates.

Anyway, I need the Ravens to be sucked into that Black Hole of Network Associates Coliseum.

Of course, this again relates to my immense disdain for Ravens offensive stylist Brian Billick.

(People stop me in the street - The Man goes out once a day, for Red Vines - and ask what my beef is with Billick. It's deeply personal and deeply private. Without going into detail, I will simply tell you that it involves a fruit truck, a parking space, a shoehorn and a snow shovel. And, believe you me, folks, time does NOT heal all wounds.)

So I badly need the Raiders to rout the Ravens, for I still fear that, if the game remains close, Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon is going to throw a very bad and very costly interception.

And, incidentally, why is it that nobody ever blocks Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis? Is he invisible? He's certainly familiar with obstruction - if he can dish it out, he can take it.

The Raiders are favored by 5 1/2 points. At the moment, I am a big Raiders fan and will back the Raiders. In fact, if the Giants manage to make it to Tampa, maybe I'll even move to Raider Nation.

Last week: 1-3.

Postseason record: 1-7.*

Season record: 122-126-6.

(* At least I have one more playoff victory than Jim Mora does.)