GETTING HELP A FIRST STEP TO GETTING OUT.

Byline: Randi Bjornstad The Register-Guard

It's hell to be trapped on the receiving end of a relationship marred by domestic violence, fearing to stay but not daring to leave, living in terror of triggering another round of abuse by a word or a look or nothing at all.

It's terrible to be a family member or friend who knows, or at least suspects, that it's happening to someone they care about.

In either case, say many who have seen the problem from one side or the other, it's tough to start talking openly about the situation, much less do something about it.

Creswell resident Denise Williams knows that full well. Grown and with a family of her own, she worried about her own mother for years, but never could bring herself to ask the hard questions about her mom's treatment at the hands of her second husband.

In April, when her mother showed up at work with bruises on her face, her employer reported the injuries to the sheriff's office in Coos County, which arrested the man for assault. The court ordered him to enter a batterer intervention program and forbade him from having contact with his wife until he completed the course.

After all that, a frustrated Williams says, she still can't get her mom to leave him.

That's not surprising, say those who have lived with the turmoil of domestic violence and social-service professionals. It's a creeping crime, often escalating so gradually that each succeeding incident doesn't seem worse enough to force the issue.

Our society seems to hold a two-sided view of domestic violence, said Margo Schaefer, director of community outreach for Womenspace, a social services agency based in Eugene.

Often, people approach the problem with a don't-ask, don't-tell mentality "that relationships are private, that it's none of our business, that who are we to judge someone else's situation," Schaefer said.

At the same time, once they become aware of a domestic violence situation, "people on the outside of the situation are almost always ready for the victims of abuse to leave much sooner than they do," she said.

Some, out of fear and frustration, take the "ton of bricks approach," demanding that the woman leave immediately, which often triggers feelings of defensiveness that actually can prolong the danger.

Then there's the "help that isn't help" phenomenon, Schaefer said, in which the message to the besieged woman translates to, "I'm afraid for you, so you should do something."

What everyone needs to keep in mind when dealing with someone who's experiencing domestic violence "is that the victim drives the process," she said.

"It's good to express concern at what's going on, and to offer support - if you're really prepared to follow through with it for the long term - but ultimately, the costs of leaving can outweigh the costs of staying in many women's minds,' she said. `There are plenty of reasons why it can take a long time to make that break."

The FBI reports that 2 million women experience domestic violence nationwide every year, and the National Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence estimates that as many as two-thirds of them never leave their abusers, Schaefer said, with results ranging from dangerous to dire.

Nationally, one-third of murdered women die at the hands of husbands or boyfriends, according to the National Bureau of Justice. In Oregon, the Governor's Needs Assessment indicates that figure jumps to one-half, Schaefer said.

That's why 57-year-old Roberta Nelson of Eugene, who's been in a loving and successful marriage with her husband, Alan, for 27 years after an earlier, abusive relationship, wants other women to know about the importance of getting help and getting out.

"I have a great life now, one I never thought possible back then, and I don't usually talk about this," said Nelson, who wants to share her insights despite suffering from late-stage pancreatic cancer. "But if my experience helps one woman, then it's worth my thinking back on it."

Her advice in a nutshell: The very first time there's an incident of domestic violence, tell somebody.

"Don't hide it - that's where the shame and humiliation start," Nelson said. "If someone shoves you against the wall or hits you, seek help the very first time. Call the police, stand up for yourself, say this is not going to happen again. Then the power's with you. If you don't, each time it will be worse - domestic violence is never a one-time thing. It always, always happens again."

Her brush with domestic violence lasted about a year in the mid-1970s during an earlier marriage and culminated in a brawl that made her realize she had to get out of the relationship, for her children's safety as well as her own, Nelson said.

The encounter frightened her so badly that she took the kids and sought refuge with relatives.

"Back then, in the `pre-women's lib' days, there weren't hot lines and shelters, and it was so humiliating to be in that situation," she said. "I didn't want my parents to know the mess I'd gotten myself into, especially because they had tried to discourage the relationship from the beginning."

Even with all the support networks available now, Nelson said she understands how difficult it can be for women to break away from abusive situations.

"I know people today feel the same embarrassment I did back then - divorce was not common in my family, and I guess I felt it would bring shame on them if my marriage failed," she said. "So I don't honestly know if it would have made any difference if someone had come to me and said there was a shelter where I could go, at least until the situation became a crisis."

Once she did leave, "with the help of my family, despite their disappointment at the mess I had gotten myself into," a relieved Nelson put her life back together and eventually found joy in a new relationship based on communication and respect.

Even so, some of the old ways died hard.

"At first, if we had a disagreement, I would throw up my hands as if to protect myself, and that really upset my husband," she said. "It took a long time to realize that I had a right to my own opinion and to make my own decisions, that I was a worthwhile person and not an idiot."

Nelson realizes most people have a hard time understanding why women stay in potentially violent situations, "but until you have been there, you can't answer that question," she said. "You are so beat down, so embarrassed, so ashamed. You're in a situation that you keep thinking you should be able to fix."

Williams asks herself the same question about her mother's situation. After her parents divorced and her mother remarried, her mom's behavior changed dramatically, Williams said.

"She never wanted us to call her at home, and she'd always hurry to finish the conversation and hang up," she said. "She stopped coming to visit us, and she hardly ever saw her grandchildren anymore. She lost the job where she'd worked for 20 years - her attitude was changing. She was losing her self-confidence."

The strong mother she had grown up with suddenly became "the queen of excuses," Williams said. "I don't know how she ended up this way - I always thought she was strong. It's all confusing. How, how does this happen?"

Maybe because society tends to look at the problem the wrong way around, suggests Christa Loveland, director of Women's Information Network Service in Cottage Grove.

Instead of focusing on how women get mired in violent relationships, "the real question we should be raising is what makes men violent toward women," Loveland said.

But until that happens, keeping communication open - without being judgmental - may be the most important step in intervening in domestic violence, she said.

"It's best not to ask a lot of questions or give your opinion about the situation," Loveland said.

"This person probably has been told in every way possible that she's worthless, that she's lucky to have the person who's abusing her because no one else would want her, that her judgment is not good," Loveland said.

"The most important thing you can do is make yourself available, and be patient."

That's what Williams has tried to do for her mother, and she hopes someday to see her happy and independent again.

"I've told her I'll be there for her and that she can come to me anytime - we have four places within the family where she can go," Williams said.

"But I can't make her do it. All I can do now is wait to see what's going to make her wake up."

SAFETY PLAN

Increasing safety in the home:

Teach your children to call 911 if they fear someone will be hurt.

Keep a list of important telephone numbers where you and your children can find them easily.

Think of four places you can go if you need to leave quickly.

If an argument begins, go to a room that has an exit; stay away from anywhere that might contain weapons.

If the violent partner leaves, change the locks or ask the landlord to do so.

Ask neighbors to call the police if they see the violent partner near your home.

Tell neighbors about the violence and ask them to contact police if they hear suspicious noises coming from your home.

Increasing safety outside the home:

If you have a restraining order, keep it with you at all times.

Report all violations of the order to police at once.

Tell family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, school officials and doctors about the restraining order and the identity of its subject.

Inform schools and child care agencies who have permission to transport your children.

Tell appropriate people at work about your situation; provide them with a picture of the abuser, if possible.

Walk with others to and from parking lots or bus stops.

Take different routes to and from work or during errands.

Make a list of necessities to take in case you leave quickly; store these items, or copies when applicable, with someone you trust:

Driver's license, Social Security cards and birth certificates for you and your children

Cash and credit cards, bank records and checkbook, home lease, rental agreement or deed

Medical and immunization records, school records, insurance papers, address book, photographs

Medications, work permits, passports, divorce papers

Special belongings such as jewelry and toys

- Oregon Department of Adult & Family Services

HELP AVAILABLE

The Oregon Crime Victims' Compensation Act offers some financial assistance to people who have been victims of domestic violence, including medical expenses, lost wages and rehabilitation support.

How to qualify:

Sustain injury within the state of Oregon

Report incident to law enforcement within 72 hours, except in extraordinary circumstances

Be innocent of wrongful action or provocation in the incident

Cooperate completely with law enforcement in apprehending and prosecuting the abuser

File a claim for benefits within six months of the date of injury, in most cases

- Lane County District Attorney's Office, Crime Victim and Survivor Services