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GET A KICK OUT OF THIS.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

What are we supposed to make of these English high-and-mighty kickball scribes reporting back to their readers over the past couple of days that our beloved Becks has made a blunderous move taking his family and his skills to the States to try to revive a dreadful squad of misfits floundering about in a league of less than dubious talents?

How about where the Daily Mail's chief sporty wordsmith scribbles: "David Beckham is a Beverly Hills star on a skid row team"?

Or the Daily Telegraph declares the Galaxy "are in a tailspin," as evidenced by their lackluster performance against Mexico's Tigres in Tuesday's exhibition, and "it's time for David Beckham to worry"?

Or The Sun describing the Galaxy as "a Sunday morning pub side"?

Do we gotta dress Helen Mirren in her queen get-up, plop her down in TV camera range tonight and instruct her to shoot some nasty stares up at the press box to the bangers-and-mash, bowler-hat brigade with the Harry Potter glasses pounding out more jealously-impaired limerick prose on their computer keyboards?

How is it that Gary Player knows a dirty secret about steroid use among today's golfers, but no one else?

With Chris Mihm and Derek Fisher back, how does Kobe Bryant sleep at night, envisioning the sight of Vlade Divac as the next person from his past coming out of the locker room ready to practice?

How far does Barry Bonds, in the homestretch of his home-run record- breaking chase, have to hit a ball out of Miller Park in Milwaukee to reach the plaque in the parking lot marking the exact spot where Hank Aaron's 755th, and final, dinger actually landed?

So the feds suspect an NBA ref has been messing with games? How much did Mark Cuban have to pay to launch this investigation?

Is the Dodgers' strategy now to run Mark Hendrickson out for two innings every other game?

What memorable quip would Yogi Berra have had about the fact Jeff Kent just tied him on the all-time home-run list (358) and, in the same swing, passed him on the all-time RBIs list (1,431)?

The Dodgers don't have any shot of acquiring this Gagne guy from Texas by the trade deadline, do they?

You mean there's been a bunch of empty seats at the UCLA tennis center this week as the top men players in the world perform? What would happen if the top men in the world actually did show up to perform?

If Daunte Culpepper just waited a couple of days in his camp-to-camp job search, don't you think something soon will open up in Atlanta?

Would we be acting too dogmatic if we just asked for some restraint from references to Roger Goodell's doghouse, the dog days of summer, "Reservoir Dogs," a pit-bull mentality, a dog-eat-dog world, "Best in Show," as sick as a dog, "Air Bud," the underdog mentality, Three Dog Night, "All Dogs Go to Heaven," Scooby Doo, every dog has its day, Ol' Yeller, Blue's Clues, Lil' Bow Wow, 101 Dalmatians, Davey and Goliath, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Huckleberry Hound, McGruff the Crime Dog, Santa's Little Helper and Wolf Blitzer with stories, headlines and commentary about the current situation facing the newest Georgia bulldog,

Michael Vick?

thomas.hoffarth@dailynews.com

(818) 713-3661
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Title Annotation:Sports
Publication:Daily News (Los Angeles, CA)
Date:Jul 21, 2007
Words:551
Previous Article:NOT SET FOR PRIME TIME? BECKHAM'S GALAXY DEBUT REMAINS IN LIMBO.
Next Article:DISTRICT REQUIRES MORE TEACHERS SPECIAL-EDUCATION NEEDS ALSO RISING.


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