G'NIGHT NOW FROM NBCVILLE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Sydney? Guess ya had to be there.

Most of us poor prawns who stupidly relied on a device called a television to get a taste of the Down Under Experience apparently missed a pretty cool bash.

Before NBC does a flip kick and takes another gleeful breaststroke through its pool of advertising profits, it best have another plan ready for next time. Otherwise this tape-delayed mess is likely to erupt into a huge Greece fire during the 2004 Summer Games in Athens, and trying to put that out with a glass of water ain't smart.

In fact, here are a few helpful household hints:

--1. Please read audience closely before attempting to operate heavy machinery.

Don't assume that just because the Olympics in the past were a must- see-TV American ritual that it's gonna be an automatic attraction.

We gotta lotta stuff going on in our lives. We don't have time to wade through five hours of a buncha repetitive commercials, scmaltzy features and idle Jimmy Roberts chitchat just to verify the results we already knew about.

Turns out that NBC's breakdown each night was 30 percent features to 70 percent competition, though it honestly felt like it was reversed.

NBC says it'll go with 3 1/2-hour prime-time blocks for the 2002 Winter Games to see if that's more digestable. Good call.

--2. Defrost video thoroughly before reheating.

If viewers are going to watch a sporting event on tape, it better be good. Like Bud Greenspan-type good.

NBC had more than 140 profiles on athletes, and it seems as if every last one was used. Even our little buddy Bob Costas seemed to find the feminization of the presentation redundant after awhile.

If there are so many NBC True Hollywood Stories to be told, set up one channel for the artifical drama and another for real-sports results.

Today I could tell ya who grew up in a broken home, was struck by lightning or woke up every morning at 3 a.m. to train. But I have no idea who won the decathalon. That's not right.

--3. Apply live coverage as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.

Athens presents a 10-hour time difference (noon here, 10 p.m. there), which means events staged there in prime time would work as great morning viewing for us.

We don't expect miracles, but why not turn MSNBC and CNBC up a notch to provide this option? Those two channels were clearly the bright spots to NBC's coverage. Or at least be enlightened about what CBS has done with the NCAA basketball tournament and hook up with DirecTV for a pay-per-view diversion.

If an event suddenly comes up that might warrent live coverage, go for it, like Saturday night's U.S. gold-medal basketball game (even if it was just for the East Coast). A few hours old is understandable; a few days old isn't.

--4. Keep soda water handy.

That's just plain common sense. In case you need to hose down Jim Gray, there it is.

--5. Wrap a cold, damp cloth around Dick Ebersol's head to reduce swelling.

He made the claim that, in daily phone surveys of hundreds of viewers, ``the positive rating for NBC's coverage has never fallen below 90 percent.''

So stop calling your friends and relatives.

In terms of the ratings and profits he brought the network the last two weeks, the Dickster deserves gold. These might end up as the lowest ratings for a Summer Games since '68, but that is due in part to our divergent livestyles. No one gets nightly ratings of 20 any more.

But for arrogantly refusing to be flexible in light of public reaction, the guy who helped create ``Saturday Night Live'' remained wrapped up in his slide-show strategy. So he deserves whatever criticism, fair or otherwise, that comes his way.

In conclusion, this wasn't a true disaster for NBC. It pummeled every other network night in and night out with viewers. But by setting the ratings bar so high, and creating an exclusivity with a news event that no one has an intrinsic right to no matter how much they paid, it proved how out of touch it was.

NBC's best hope is that Toronto wins the 2008 bid and we're back in L.A. for 2012. Otherwise, this'll be a party every four years that TV is incapable of covering.