Friendship survival guide: young people's advice on how to make--and keep--friends. (Life Skills).

Reading, writing, and arithmetic aren't the only important things that kids learn at school. Another major lesson of growing up is how to make--and keep--friends.

Friends play an especially valuable role in the lives of young people between the ages of 10 and 14, says child psychologist Dr. Adele Brodkin. "Kids this age are frying to break away from home, which is normal, and it's lonely not to be connected. So friends take on a greater importance than they ever did before."

But such friendships often are more complicated for teenagers than they are for younger kids. "When you get older, your interests change. More fights are possible," says Nicholas, 11.

What kinds of friendship problems do kids 10-14 face? We asked some students around the country to share their problems. Then we asked other kids--and Dr. Brodkin--to suggest solutions.

I have two friends. I like playing with both of them after school, but they do not like each other. What should I do?

Hassan, 12: Try to get them together at lunchtime, when they're relaxed. Ask them to sit on each side of you, and find something they both have in common.

Morgan, 10: It may just be a misunderstanding. Ask them separately what the problem is. That can make it easier to solve.

Moses, 11: If people don't like each other, don't force them. You can mention their common interests, but there's not too much you can do.

My friend and I go to the same church and have been friends for a long time. At school she doesn't pay attention to me, but at church we're best friends. What should I do?

Dr. Brodkin: If all they have in common is that they both like you, and they don't like each other, then you're better off giving them each some individual time. Now and then, you can vary it by all playing together. Don't forget--sometimes three's a crowd. Then too, if you encourage them to be together too much, even when you're not around, you may find yourself in the out position.

Hassan: Actually, I have one friend who's always nice to me at Sunday school, but we never ever talk at school. I think that's just the way our friendship is. It never bothers me.

Morgan: Take a look at her friends, and see what they're like. If they're mean, then she's probably like that too. If she's like that, then there's no point being friends with her.

Dr. Brodkin: Consider her your church friend, and try to make your own friends at school. You should also try to remember your own good qualities, and why anyone would be fortunate to have you as a loyal friend. Recognize that when people are being fickle, that it's their problem, not yours.

Lately, I've been hearing rumors that my friend is saying things about me that aren't true. I don't know if I can trust her. What should I do?

Hassan: Ignore the rumors, then maybe your friend will stop because she'll see that it doesn't make you angry. But if it's really bugging you, you should tell her to stop.

Morgan: Ask around quietly to find out where the rumors started. If your friend really did it, ask her if she has a good reason for starting them. If she doesn't, that's pretty much the end, I'm sorry to say.

Dr. Brodkin: Have a heart-to-heart talk with her all by yourself in a neutral place. Don't attack her, but ask if she still wants to be friends, and if so, why this is still going on. Then the ball is in her court.

Remember that she probably told you some of her secrets as well. You might make it clear that people do move on and have different friends, but there's no reason to badmouth the old ones. It says a lot about her if she can't follow through with that; it says a lot about you if you can.

I have a friend who brags a lot, and he drives me crazy. What should I do?

Morgan: Ask him if he can stop. And maybe ask if there's something he doesn't like about you, then maybe you could stop that too.

Nicholas: You could just tease him about it.

Hassan: If he's not hurting anyone's feelings, that's his personality, and you should just leave it at that.

Dr. Brodkin: Try telling your friend--in a nice way, with a smile on your face and a high-five--that you think he's a great guy, and he doesn't need to prove it to you. Help him to see that friendship isn't really about a list of achievements. It's about sharing.

I have a friend whose parents are getting divorced, and they're fighting a lot. He's very upset, and sometimes he acts psycho in class. How can I help him?

Morgan: My parents are divorced. He's going through a hard time, so it's not unusual to act like that. If that happens, try to make him happy. Do something he likes, bring up other things to get his mind off it, or help him bring back good memories as fast as you can.

Nicholas: You can comfort him, and not be mean to him. Be nice, but not so nice that it's obvious.

Dr. Brodkin: Talk to him outside of class about how rough it must be. Tell him you'll be glad to listen to anything he has to say, but that you've known other people in this situation who got a lot of help from going to the guidance counselor or some other neutral adult. Tell him experts can help him so he doesn't have to feel caught in the middle, between his parents.

RELATED ARTICLE: Life Skills: Friendship Survival Guide

OBJECTIVES

Students should understand:

* the importance of friendship;

* how to make and keep friends;

* how to cope with friendship problems.

SOCIAL STUDIES STANDARDS

Grades 5-8: * individual development * personal identity * group relations

TEACHING STRATEGY

Discuss: How important is it to you to make and keep friends? As you get older, do you find that friendships can become more complicated? How do you deal with friendship problems? Now introduce this Survival Guide.

THINKING SKILLS

EXPLORING NEEDS: Why do friends fill a particular need in the lives of kids between the ages of 10 and 14? (It is the age at which kids are normally trying to break away from home. Friends play a valuable role in easing the change while preventing isolation and loneliness.)

FINDING CAUSES: Why are friendships more complicated for teenagers than for younger kids? (Eleven-year-old Nicholas suggests that as friends get older, interests change, and disputes become more likely.)

NOTING IMPACT: What can a child do when his or her parents are divorcing? (Dr. Adele Brodkin suggests that the child talk to a guidance counselor or other neutral adult.)

DIFFERENT SOLUTIONS: Can one problem invite a variety of solutions? (Yes. A student asked what can be done about a friend who brags a lot? Morgan said, "Ask him if he can stop. If there's something he doesn't like about you, you could stop." Nicholas suggested teasing him. Considering it part of the bragger's personality, Hassan said, "Leave it at that." Dr, Brodkin said to tell him that "friendship isn't really about a list of achievements.")

ACTIVITY

Have each student offer solutions to the problems presented in the article.

RESOURCES

Print

* Booher, Diana Daniels, Making Friends with Yourself and Other Strangers (Messner, 1989). Grades 7-9.

* Rofe, Eric, editor, The Kids, Book of Divorce: By, For, And About Kids (Random House, 1999). Grades 6-12.

Videos

* Divorce... and Other Monsters Clearvue/eav Inc.

6465 N. Avondale Ave., Chicago, IL 60631-1909

1-800-253-2788

* Self-Esteem 

RMI Media

1365 N. Winchester St., Olathe, KS 66061

1-800-745-5480

Web Sites

* The Friendship Page

www.friendship.com.au

* The Friends and Friendships Web

www.cyberparent.com/friendship