For men only.

It's at the high school and college graduations that you start to notice how many of the men are missing--the fathers and grandfathers who aren't around to see the children grow into adulthood.

At weddings, family reunions, and holidays like Thanksgiving, you realize that Uncle Jake or Cousin Tony is no longer there to play the piano or carve the turkey.

As the years pass, older women find themselves living alone or sharing households with each other or their children. And by the time folks are ready to move to a senior citizen home, the older men are even more scarce.

What's happening here?

For every 100 women who die between the ages of 45 and 64, 170 men die. If men are so strong, why do most go sooner than the "weaker" sex?

Take most of the diseases and mishaps that cut life short in the United States today, and you'll find that they hit men much harder. At most stages of life, a man is 88 percent more likely to die of heart disease, 45 percent more likely to die of cancer, 18 percent more likely to die of stroke, 69 percent more likely to die of pneumonia or influenza,and almost eight times more likely to die of AIDS.

Phew! No wonder the average woman lives seven years longer than the average man. And the gap is widening; in 1940, it was less than 4 1/2 years.

"There is nothing in medical science that says men have to die sooner," says Ron Henry, a Washington, D.C., attorney who co-founded the Men's Health Network in 1991.

"All the evidence says that the problem isn't entirely in the cards we're dealt," agrees urologist Kenneth Goldberg. "It's in how we play them." Goldberg, who founded the Male Health Center in Dallas in 1989, is the author of How Men Can Live as Long as Women (see "What Men Should Do").

Indeed, the male-to-female longevity gap doesn't exist among some groups of Mormons; the men live as long as the women.

TEMPTING FATE

Men are more likely to die younger than women in part because they live dangerously.

"Certainly, there is more risk-taking among men, both voluntary and induced by society, so you have more accidental deaths and disability which leads to earlier deaths," says Henry.

Men are more likely to drive recklessly, attempt dangerous stunts, and carry through on suicide threats.

"And most societies have a notion that if there's work that requires risk, it should be the man who does it," Henry adds. So, most military combat troops are men, as are 92 percent of the people killed in industrial accidents.

But it goes far beyond young men tempting fate on the highway, in the barroom, or at the construction site.

As boys grow through adolescence into adulthood, they feel themselves getting bigger and more powerful. They begin to feel invincible, like they'll always be strong enough to control the world around them--including their bodies--by force.

So who needs salads, cholesterol readings ... or doctors? And that's the problem.

"Your diet and exercise habits affect your likelihood of succumbing to fully four of the ten leading causes of death in men," says Kenneth Goldberg. He's talking about heart disease, cancer, stroke, and diabetes.

PLAYING DEFENSE

Most women get used to seeing a physician regularly from young adulthood on, whether it's for routine gynecologic exams, to obtain contraceptives, or because of pregnancy. They get used to discussing intimate details about their bodies and to monitoring any changes in them. They also learn to do breast exams and to have regular Pap smears and mammograms.

In fact, the obstetrician/gynecologist often remains a woman's gateway into the medical care system, serving as her primary care physician and referring her to other specialists.

Men typically never develop a similar pattern of preventive health care.

"In our 20s, we don't go to the doctor because we think nothing can hurt us," says lawyer Ron Henry. "In our 30s we're too busy with family and jobs to go. By the time we hit our 40s we don't go because we're afraid to find out and don't want to know."

In other words men learn very little about their own bodies and about how to do routine preventive checks that could prolong their lives:

* Three out of every ten men say they have not been to a doctor in a year or more.

* One-third of all men aged 45 to 64 have never had their cholesterol checked, even though heart disease kills more men than any other disease.

* Only 22 percent of men aged 40 or older say they had a digital rectal exam during the previous year. Yet health authorities recommend one a year starting at age 40 (see "Testing, Testing").

* One out of every two men over the age of 50 doesn't know the warning signs of prostate or colorectal cancer, and one out of five says he would be embarassed to discuss them with a doctor.

* More than half of all men who have experienced sexual potency problems don't talk about them with a doctor.

"It's crazy, but men take better care of their cars than they do of their own bodies," says Henry.

"Would you drive your car until the tread on the tires wears through completely and they go flat?" asks urologist Kenneth Goldberg. "Would you forget to change the oil regularly or check the tires for air, or ignore flashing red lights on your dashboard? Of course not."

If you're a typical man, it's probably time for a body tune-up. What to do first? It doesn't matter, as long as you don't put it off.

Says Goldberg: "I decided to write my book the day I had to tell three men in their 50s that they were dying of prostate cancer that could have been prevented if it had been diagnosed earlier."

RELATED ARTICLE: EXERCISE

If your idea of a vigorous workout is flipping channels on the remote, have we got news for you.

To dodge the big killers (heart disease, some cancers, and diabetes), to keep your weight down, or to just plain feel better, you don't have to become a gym rat. Just get up and start moving.

* Be Healthier. In the 1980s, researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health monitored more than 10,000 Harvard alumni between the ages of 45 and 84. Over an eight-year period, those who had been sedentary but who started doing exercises like swimming, jogging, or playing tennis were 23 percent less likely to die than those who stayed on the couch. Exercise was especially beneficial for the heart; the exercises were 40 percent less likely to die of heart disease.(1)

* Keep the Weight Off. Boston policemen and other city employees who dropped 25 pounds or so through diet and exercise didn't gain back any of their lost weight during the next 18 months if they burned about 1,500 calories a week by exercising. That's like taking a brisk 30-to-45-minute walk every day. The men who stopped exercising after they lost weight gained back all of the pounds they had shed.(2)

* Lower Your Blood Pressure. Men with mild or moderate hypertension (blood pressure of 140 to 180 over 90 to 105) who did regular, low-intensity exercises like brisk walking for 20 to 60 minutes three to five days a week lowered their blood pressure by an average of ten points.(3)

(1) New England Journal of Medicine 328:538, 1993. (2) American Journal of Clinical Nutrition 49: 1115, 1989. (3) Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise 25:i, 1993.

RELATED ARTICLE: Testing, Testing

Lets see. Change the oil every 3,000 miles. Check the belts and fluids before summer and winter. Rotate the tires every 20,000 miles.

Here are the latest recommendations--from the American Cancer Society and others--of when men need to do what for routine body maintenance:

Starting at age 20...

* Blood pressure checked at least every two years.

* A comprehensive eye exam every two to four years.

* Exams for cancers of the lymph nodes, mouth, skin, testicles, and thyroid every three years.

* Total and HDL ("good") cholesterol measured at least every five years.

* A tetanus-diphtheria booster every ten years.

During your 40s... All of the above, plus:

* The cancer exams every year.

* A yearly digital rectal exam (for prostate and rectal cancer).

Starting at age 50... All of the above, plus:

* A yearly prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test.

* A yearly stool test (for colon and rectal cancer).

* A sigmoidoscopy (for colon cancer) every three to five years. Sources: American Cancer Society, American College of Physicians, National Cholesterol Education Program, and Prevent Blindness America.

RELATED ARTICLE: WHAT MEN SHOULD DO

* Don't smoke. It's the single greatest preventable cause of disease and death among men (and women).

* Find a straight-talking doctor and get off your fanny and get a physical examination. If there's something that needs attention, it's only going to get more serious, more painful, and more expensive if you wait.

* Ask your doctor to show you how to do simple, regular self-examinations for skin and testicular cancer.

* Sit down with a good book on men's health. One of the best is How Men Can Live as Long as Women; Seven Steps to a Longer and Better Life, by Ken Goldberg. As one would expect from a urologist, he also answers common questions about health and your sex life. (To order the 241-page hardcover, use the form on p. 15. Prod. #SGI, $22.95.)