Football: Actor Ray is Quad pick as a pundit; WORLD CUP 2006 WORLD CUP TV WATCH.

Byline: By Beryl Linn 

AS I'm part German, you probably think I don't have a humorous bone in my body, despite yesterday's glorious penalty shoot-out victory at Berlin's Olympiastadion.

Nothing could be further from the truth and I'm gonna tell you a joke to prove it.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

There, and don't tell me that's not a side-splitter!

See me, I'm funnier than Bobby Davro!

But not as funny as ITV co-commentator David Pleat, this guy's an unconscious comedian, and no mistake.

While describing an Argentina player during yesterday's coverage he said: "His legs are so long that at times he looks like an uncoordinated spider."

I've never seen an uncoordinated spider in a football strip, but my friend Friedrich did once and he said it had great ball control. Mind you, he had two or five beers too many at the Oktoberfest.

By the way, I reckon England chose to set up base camp in Baden-Baden because it's such a beautiful place. Which is why they named it twice.

You never know, but those daily reports we get from the place have been one of the most intriguing things about this World Cup as far as I'm concerned.

We seldom get a whiff of a news story but for the life of me I can't figure out why ITV's Gabriel Clark is always lurking behind trees or shrubbery.

Maybe he's into spy movies and he's actually started to believe he has a part in one. But I'll tell you what, if you saw someone behave like that down the public park, you'd phone the polis.

Anyhow, it was left to a real actor, Ray Winstone, to give us the low down on Wayne Rooney.

You remember Ray, of course, from the film Quadrophenia and TV drama Scum. Anyhow, he's a serious En-ger-lund fan. But I find myself asking, why does ITV need an actor to tell us about a footballer?

I mean, can you imagine some movie producer would give Rooney a microphone and tell him to go on air and talk about Laurence Olivier?

For starters, Rooney would probably think Larry Olivier is the guy who's being groomed for Zinedine Zidane's role in the France team.

Take it or leave it, but it was spiritually uplifting to hear Argentina's Juan Pablo Sorin, read out a Say No To Racism speech before kick-off yesterday.

Therefore, I hope that all of you Scots have nothing but kind thoughts for Sven and the boys when they meet Portugal in Gelsenkirchen today.

Drei Lowen on a shirt. Figure it out for yourselves and when you do, shout it out with gusto and pride.

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NOT SO FUNNY: Bobby Davro doesn't have German sense of humour and can't compete with David Pleat