Fish in a barrel: so many things to say, so little space.

What would summer in the Hamptons, the eastern end of Long Island, N.Y., be without a fundraising controversy? So many events. So little time. So many schedule conflicts.

It seems that the experimental Hamptons School, founded by a Time Warner executive, was monopolizing the fundraising social calendar. Steve Ross, the TW executive, set up a series of concerts for which summer residents could feel good about themselves and watch, among others, Dave Matthews, Billy Joel and Prince for a mere $15,000 a ticket.

Oh, the humanities.

Most charities are worried they won't wash enough cars at $7 a pop on a Saturday afternoon so the soup kitchen can stay open another week. These high and mighty, who pay upwards of $50,000 a month for their summer rentals, whine that there are too many events at which to drop a check with three zeros and remain popular. Forget for a moment that it's being catered by one of the hottest Manhattan restaurants and that a portion of the $15,000 goes for the vittles.

Maybe Ross should get some of his star pals to wash the Mercedes Maybachs that litter the beachfront. He can charge $1,000 if it's done by a lowercase star and $ 50,000 if Mariah Carey recreates a scene from "Cool Hand Luke."

There's enough money in the Hamptons during the summer to run several local and regional charities. Welcome to the surreal world of charitable competition. Can't we all just get along?