Fire in the sky.

Heavyweight champion of the world Riddick Bowe couldn't cut it in the Marines. He only made it eleven days before he was "allowed to withdraw" from Parris Island, South Carolina, because he had problems with the corps' regimented lifestyle." Yeah, right, we all know that's bull. He was just sick and tired of drill instructors asking him for his autograph, and younger, smaller recruits begging him to eat their dessert. Maybe the guy should have tried the Citadel. Shannon Faulkner lasted longer than he did and as far as we know, Riddick didn't have his shirt set on fire with nail-polish remover. We don't want just anyone serving our country, you know. The toughest part is going to be when he tries to get back in the ring. You know that other boxers are going to mock and scoff and taunt. At least the ones who can punch and talk at the same time.

?? In San Francisco, the recreation and parks commission put off its decision on whether the thirtieth anniversary summer-of-love be-In can be held in the polo fields in Golden Gate Park. Probably want to check the quality of the acid first.

Bill Clinton says, "The Lincoln Bedroom was never sold." Why, of course it wasn't. Would Holiday Inn sell off its highest-grossing room? I think not. How could he have sold it? He doesn't even own it. He's a tenant, for crum's sake. The man sublet it. On a daily basis. To anybody who could pony up fifty grand or so. What's the big deal? Are you telling me if in the house where you live there was a room that people wanted to stay in so much they gave you piles of cash, you'd turn them down? Yeah, right, and Stevie Wonder knows what people are doing to his hair. Hell, if it were me living in Maison Blanc, I'd advertise in the classifieds under Bed and Breakfasts: "Large room for rent in quaint, historic D.C. building. Hardwood floors. View. 24-hr. security. Pool. Bowling alley. Full bath. 2 blocks from Metro. No parking. Helicopter pad. In-room coffee. HBO. Laundry privileges. Garden. Gas kitchen. $75K per night. Utilities included. No pets. [phone]. Ask for Bill. We'll leave a light on for you."

?? Dan Quayle, upon receiving an award from a conservative think tank, recently told his audience in Indianapolis, `Some things are right and some things are not,' proving that when you got it, you don't lose it.

Defending himself against accusations that he may have illegally raised election funds on federal property, Bill Clinton said the opposition came up with the charges for the sake of "politics." Really, Bill?!? Politics? Are you sure? It's not for the betterment of the environment? You don't think it's all a plot by the NBA to distract us from the start of spring training? Even if it were, that would be "politics." Of course it's for the sake of politics. Everything you've done since 1960, including the Astroturf in the back of your pickup, was for the sake of politics. I doubt if you could decide which way the toilet paper should unwind without taking a poll. Aren't you the guy who wrote a letter to your draft board whining that you didn't want to jeopardize your political aspirations? If ambition were cheese, you would be Wisconsin. Some people think your hair is a dyed, trimmed cheesehead anyhow. Alright, I do. It's all "politics," and when you claim they're out to get you for the sake of "politics," that's politics. To err is human, to blame it on the other party, that's "politics."

?? A gay bar near where I live recently told a straight couple that if they wanted to keep necking they could take it outside. I guess tolerance is a rare and precious commodity, and they were loath to waste it.

Somebody help me out with this. Did Kenneth Branagh really get nominated for an Academy Award for his adaptation of Shakespeare's Hamlet? He used every word of the original text. Hell, I had as much to do with the adaptation as Sir Kenny. Where was my nomination? Probably got lost in the mail with my special Academy-sponsored plastic-surgery discount brochure. And I'm as liberal as the next guy, as long as the next guy isn't Charlton Heston, but has Celine Dion ever heard the word "slip"? Or am I once more demonstrating a typical American insensitivity to the cultural heritage of our neighbors to the North, in their indigenous desire to look like French hookers? I loved Frances McDormand talking about brave producers choosing actresses who fit the roles rather than picking bankable names, after she got the part in the movie her brother-in-law directed and her husband wrote. Oh, yeah, I know, she just really nailed the audition.

?? All over the West Coast, people are starting to twitch and shake due to the coffee shortage. Not much sadder than the sight of yuppies begging for grounds on the street corners.

The arrival of the comet was more impressive in theory than in actuality. A rare astronomical triple-treat featured the planet Mars shining pink above the eclipsing moon, while 160 degrees away in the sky, the Hale-Bopp comet strode toward the sun like Little Richard with a flaming cape. And I remain unimpressed. It's a dusty little smudge-like thing. Looks like a streetlamp seen through a vaseline-smeared lens. I don't know about you, but I wanted staggeringly stupendous cataclysms. Fire in the sky. Bright noon at midnight. Simple-minded, God-fearing Republicans cowering on the ground with their heads shoved into mounds of manure out of fear. What do we get? A fuzzy loose collection of fast-moving ice in a sky full of burning balls of gas. Whoopee.