Feedback.

Q: Why do you think people choose to live together before marriage?

It's been said that you don't really know a person until you live with him/her. Living together presents an opportunity to determine compatibility in many areas.

Irene M. Zay Chicago, Ill.

It's an incremental step in making a commitment. It's also practical economically.

Catherine McKenzie Jackson, Wyo.

Premarital sex doesn't have the stigma it used to have, and if the couple is already having sex and no one minds, why not live together and save rent and living expenses?

Judy Baker Aledo, Ill.

They want to have their cake and eat it too.

Name withheld Riva, Md.

Convenience and lack of a taboo. Also, early 30s is a lot longer to remain virginal than late teens.

Name withheld Avon, Ohio 

I think it reflects the temporary nature of their life at the time: at school, beginning a new career, uncertain of their life plan. When people feel settled, I feel they are more ready to make commitments to marriage and in other areas of life.

E. Adducci Homewood, Ill.

They're selfish.

Name withheld Rocky Ford, Colo.

Young people continue to see marriages fail at alarming rates and think a trial period will answer all their questions as to suitability.

Brian Harrison Billings, Mont.

They don't understand the difference between love and commitment. They think love is enough of a reason to live together.

Victoria Chargo Jefferson, Iowa 

They've been taught that it's OK by the media and by people like Father Andrew Greeley.

Name withheld Brookfield, Wis.

Q: If one of my grown children decided to live with their partner before marriage, I would:

Have to accept it. I would not push for marriage unless I felt the choice of partner was a wise one.

Name withheld Pasco, Wash.

Stay out of it. Grown children need to form their own moral decisions, and part of being a parent is unconditional love.

Name withheld Hays, Kan.

Object strenuously and explain why--once.

Leslie Sholly Knoxville, Tenn.

Welcome the significant other as if he/she were a spouse.

Mike Lamasney Twain Harte, Calif.

Let them know it is completely unacceptable and there will be repercussions from the church and us.

Mark Fischer Mableton, Ga.

Raise hell.

Name withheld Anaheim, Calif.

Be disappointed, but I would stay in touch, keep communication open, but not allow them to sleep together in my house. When I visit them, I would stay in a motel.

Name withheld Westown, N.Y.

Q: If I were a priest and a cohabiting couple came to me for marriage preparation, I would:

Ask questions to ensure this is not just the next step in a "convenient relationship."

Name withheld Stamford, Conn.

Focus on the health and state of the relationship and their level of commitment to it, not on their living arrangements.

Father Brett Hoover, C.S.P. New York, N. Y.

Advise them to live apart, receive the sacrament of Reconciliation, then we'd talk marriage.

Marcia Tozer Brazil, Ind.

I think there should be a different marriage preparation for them, just as there is for those entering a second marriage. One size does not fit all in these situations.

Margaret J. Richards Columbus, Ohio 

Encourage their honesty with me, and celebrate the reality of their union in the liturgy so that it doesn't feel like Father is the only one who isn't "in the know."

Father Mike Boutin Stoughton, Mass.

Try to remember that the prodigal son left home for a lifestyle that his family considered undesirable, yet when he returned home, his father didn't give him a hard time or throw him out. He ran to him, welcomed him home, and gave him a party.

Patricia Pruitt Oak Park, Ill.

Be more concerned about whether or not they were active Catholics and connected to the church.

Father Frank S. Salmani Providence, R.I.

As Greeley says, "Cheer them on, not give them the third degree."

Maureen Theiler Polson, Mont.

Q: If I were going to talk with my teenage kids about the cultural acceptance of sex without commitment, I'd tell them:

How beautiful sex can be when it is not just a pleasurable experience but also the deepest expression of lasting love. I would also talk about the pain of rejection that comes from giving oneself to someone who only uses you.

Lucy Fuchs Brandon, Fla.

Sex without commitment is dangerous to your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Claire Skilton Point Arena, Calif.

It's wrong!

Catherine Phillips Fayetteville, Ark.

I don't believe in casual or recreational sex. I believe sex should occur between two people who love each other. Sometimes that experience happens outside of matrimony.

Name withheld Indianapolis, Ind.

To read Father Greeley.

Thomas F.X. Casey Garnerville, N. Y.

General Comments

Priests and religious women make their final commitment after years of education, training, and living in community. The vocation of marriage is certainly as profound; perhaps people are creating their own style of preparation and formation.

Bob McCarty Laurel, Md.

Cohabitation and casual sex are not the same. I believe most couples who cohabit are expressing a commitment to one another. The term "living in sin" is outmoded and expresses the church's obsession with all things sexual. Morality involves far more than abstaining from sex before marriage.

Anne Coppinger Paine Avon Lake, Ohio 

I am in my 70s and must admit that if the means of birth control and prevention of sexual disease existed in my youth, I may not have been able to wait for marriage.

Clarence B. Neumann Racine, Wis.

Priests should give one-on-one advice in the confessional, and only if the "sin" is admitted and advice sought. "Don't ask, don't tell" is the way they deal with other questionable behavior, why not this?

Name withheld Shady Cove, Ore.

You're focusing too much on sex. Commitment, whether in marriage or cohabitation, depends on more than this. One must look at all aspects of the relationship to assess its moral licitness.

Chris J. Donofrio The Woodlands, Texas

Perhaps I am too old to understand the values young people have today, but it seems like most of them are only for "me, me, me."

Mary J. Reeves Citrus Heights, Calif.

This is a multifaceted issue that requires the compassion of Jesus Christ, the moral integrity of Pope John Paul II, the wisdom of Solomon, and the faith of Saint Paul. We must err on the side of kindness while reflecting and proclaiming the traditional teaching of the church.

Father Charles R. LeBlanc East Hampton, Conn.

I sympathize with our young people today. They are being bombarded from every single angle by a "me first" subculture. I have always had a great deal of confidence in our young people, and I continue to pray that with God's grace they will make the right decisions.

Deacon Joseph H. Goodrow Jacksonville, N.C.

I think there's a correlation between the high divorce rate and the fact that a lot of those couples married in their 20s. We don't want to make the mistakes our parents or our friends' parents made. I feel like the generation just before us didn't take it as seriously, and multiple marriages were more common. We'd rather wait and get it right the first time.

Megan McGrath Chicago, Ill.

I think Father Greeley has been a real prophet in the modern church, especially with his stance that sex is a gift revealing God's love. I think the church has alienated and lost many souls on this issue.

Name withheld Palm Beach, Fla.

We encourage our children "not to marry too young" and to "live and experience life." Yet when they do that, we call them immature and lament their inability to make a commitment.

Name withheld Newton, N.J.

Cohabitating does not let you learn if you and your mate are compatible, because the biggest part of marriage cannot be "tried." What is missing is the commitment of marriage, the most difficult part.

Joyce Donovan Orlando, Fla.

When young people who are mature and committed to marriage in the future decide to live together, it might be good for the church to develop a ritual based on the marriage vows that would enable them to invite God into the commitment they are making.

Helen Ackermann Rothschild, Wis.

I think Greeley's article was sexist. He talked as if all women want to get married and men are all immature and afraid of giving up their ability to sleep with many other women.

Name withheld New York, N. Y.

Who says couples who don't cohabit are better prepared for marriage? Some very "chaste" men and women are ignorant about adult relationships.

George Splane Santa Rosa, Calif.

I agree with Father Greeley. The times of "getting tough" with people are over. They will just find a more loving and welcoming church.

Patricia Kjellgren International Falls, Minn.

AND THE SURVEY SAYS...

1. Allowing cohabiting couples to get married with no questions asked gives tacit approval of the church to cohabitation.

agree 35%

disagree 53%

other 12%

2. Priests who prepare couples for marriage...

71% Should ask whether they are living together and then respond in the best pastoral way for that couple.

22% Shouldn't even ask whether they are living together.

1% Should ask and, if so, refuse them marriage in the church.

6% Other.

3. I think most couples are having premarital sex, even if they're not living together.

agree 85%

disagree 7%

other 8%

4. I think the growing postponement of marriage throughout people's 20s...

53% Is a healthy thing for most young people.

25% Shows an alarming fear of commitment

22% Other.

Representative of "other": "it reflects their economic, sociological, and employment lives," says Marq Rogers of Bishop Hill, III.

5. I think young women today have almost as much trouble making a commitment as young men do.

agree 67%

disagree 24%

other 9%

6. I have...

43% Some moral qualms about cohabitation.

41% A lot of moral qualms about cohabitation.

10% No moral qualms about cohabitation.

6% Other.

These results are based on survey responses from 383 U.S. CATHOLIC readers and Web site visitors.

Join the conversation--online. In addition to a sample of subscribers, all are invited to respond to U.S. CATHOLIC'S monthly Sounding Board survey at www.uscatholic.org. This month, join U.S. CATHOLIC readers as they discuss how they keep holy the Sabbath day.