Fanzone: BROCK-VILE HAUNTS ME.

Byline: John Hillcoat

IBET every former keeper will be delighted he won't ever again have to stand on the goal-line at Brockville.

I can't speak for guys like Ian Westwater and Scott Thompson who got non-stop stick there.

I'm just delighted I won't ever face the ordeal of sclaffing another goal-kick or flapping at a cross at the Falkirk end of the old stadium.

At least with the new Falkirk Stadium you won't have fans breathing down your neck.

Keepers had to endure pelters from the Bairns boo-boys at Brockville.

Every time I played there I took a pounding from an old guy who would position himself just behind the goal and yell: 'Hey Hillcoat, get the hair oot yur eyes ya baldy Fifer b*****d!'. And that was in the days when I still had a barnet!

The torrent of abuse had been going on for years as I discovered with Dunfermline, Partick Thistle, Morton, Hamilton and St Mirren. And let me tell you I've NEVER sat in the away dressing room after the game with three points in the bag.

dreaded having to turn right out of the tunnel to head up and defend the goal in front of the home fans. knew the first thing I'd see would be the wee guy's face sticking out from the crowd like Nadia from Big Brother at a hen night. And I knew I was in for verbals for the next 45 minutes.

Luckily there have been no side-effects but the nervous twitch I have developed is just a sign of old age - well so they tell me!

ignored the one-man vendetta for years until a couple of seasons ago when was there with Saints.

Now, I don't usually like to get into any kind of dialogue with opposing fans but sometimes a player has to take a leaf from the Eric Cantona book, A Footballer's Guide To Dealing With Crowd Abuse.

No, I didn't go the full hog and karate-chop the poor guy ... but I chopped him down to size just the same. As ran towards the Falkirk end I saw my greatest fan waiting to greet me.

'Hey Hillcoat, are you really baldy or is that jist a skin-coloured swimming cap you're wearing ya baldy Fifer b*****d ye?' he shouted.

And before he could even get his last word out I quipped in a dodgy Fife accent that was a cross between Jim Leishman and Frank Carson: 'Nah, every time I make love to your wife she gives me a haircut, ye ken!'

Unprofessional perhaps ... but worth it just to hear the small knot of Falkirk fans in earshot having a laugh at one of their own's expense.

By all accounts he headed straight home to ask his missus to shave his dome to see if she knew how to - well, so she told me the next time went for a trim!

Brockville was never a happy hunting ground for me. I knew something controversial would happen every time - either a humping or a horror mistake like throwing my handbag at a loopy cross.

There would always be something for the manager to give me stick about in the dressing room after the game.

The old excuse like: 'I lost the ball in the low floodlights.' would always get thrown in - even if we'd played in broad daylight! The floodlights were that dull at Brockville that the TV companies had to use those infra-red cameras which are used to film the Big Brother housemates at night.

I also came closest to scoring from a kick-out at the old Bairns ground. was playing for Jags and launched a wind-assisted missile that bounced around the penalty spot of Craig Nelson's area.

Nelly caught the ball on the goal-line under pressure from our striker Charlie Adams who wheeled away in delight only for the referee to blow for a foul.

I saw a photo in Thistle's' matchday programme that proved the ball WAS over the line and Charlie was nowhere near Craig when he caught it. I could not believe the Brockville hoodoo had struck again!

But there is one reason (only one remember) why I'm gutted that Falkirk have binned their old stadium. I've now played at every senior ground in Scotland ... except for their new one.

And with the old career clock ticking louder and louder I'm running out of time to restore my proud record. Guess I'll just have to wait until Ayr fight their way into the SPL to meet the Bairns on the opening day of season 2006/07.

But knowing my luck, by then I'll be the new No.1 of Third Lanark!

CAPTION(S):

Way out West: Dunfermline keeper Ian Westwater took pelters from the Brockville fans