FW: READ THIS AND YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT DAY!Byline: JILLIAN O'CONNOR Spam blockers are great at thwarting pleas for money from the displaced prince of Nigeria. But they're just no good at screening out relatives mad for forwards. In reality, the notation ``FW'' should be a clearer warning of useless messages ahead than ``Hot anime action!'' or ``Erectile dazzle.'' Yet cyber-pirates continue their evil unchecked by e-mail administrators, sending out uninspired treatises on the philosophy of Smurfette while you're trying to do actual work. Don't get me wrong. I love hearing from friends and family members, but only when there's the understanding we'll be exchanging original content. And that does not mean the latest misquotes from ``Everybody Loves Raymond Everybody Loves Raymond is an American sitcom originally broadcast on CBS from 1996 to 2005. It is one of the most critically acclaimed American sitcoms of its time. .'' But nothing can stop people hooked on forwards. Most spam filters are excellent, but they'll never block out the Andy Rooney Andrew Aitken Rooney (born January 14, 1919) is an American radio and television writer. He became most famous as a humorist and commentator with his weekly broadcast A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney, a part of the CBS news program 60 Minutes since 1979. pieces from Auntie Madge, or a friend's heartfelt messages pleading for funds for nonexistent non·ex·is·tence n. 1. The condition of not existing. 2. Something that does not exist. non orphans. While older ladies send jokes with the bite of bowdlerized Bill Cosby William Henry "Bill" Cosby, Jr., Ed.D. (born July 12 1937) is an American actor, comedian, television producer, and activist. A veteran stand-up performer, he got his start at various clubs, then landed a vanguard role in the 1960s action show I Spy. routines, younger folk favor self-righteous rants on dolphin torture. And they all just love the chain letter. So, there need to be some ground rules here: Just because you receive a forward doesn't mean you need to pass it on. Calmly step away from the monitor. And if it is a chain letter, you must kill it - now - under international cyber-etiquette. Don't curse others by passing along something they won't follow through on. Take the hit. Friends don't send friends messages like, ``If u delete it, u will beg.'' Beware when an e-mail begins: ``I do not usually forward messages, but ...'' or: ``I'm superstitious so I had to ruin your day with this.'' The worst of these so-called good luck forwards, though, are the ones that do in fact curse you quite openly in the text: ``The lotus totus must leave your hands in SIX MINUTES. Otherwise, you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious, agnostic or otherwise faith-impaired.'' ``Now here's the fun part: Send this to at least five people and your life will improve.'' ``One to four people, and your life will improve slightly.'' Yes, because you'll have passed on the hex to one to four friends - what a relief! As a defense against wayward friends and relatives, one can always create a filter to isolate and quarantine forwarded messages from offending parties. But with a particularly prolific ``acquaintance spammer'' hitting your inbox, sophisticated measures must be taken to weed out all the junk subcategories, including Irish jokes Irish jokes are a class of jokes, generally based on a stereotype of the Irish people as drunkards, dullards, incompetent, sexually naive or overly fecund or a combination of all or some of these characteristics. , Polish jokes, priest jokes, marriage jokes, rabbi jokes, pope jokes, rabbi/Polish pope jokes, urban legends about ramen ra·men n. 1. A Japanese dish of noodles in broth, often garnished with small pieces of meat and vegetables. 2. A thin white noodle served in this dish. noodles noo·dle 1 n. A narrow, ribbonlike strip of dried dough, usually made of flour, eggs, and water. [German Nudel. , Cheney jokes, Kennedy jokes, aging jokes, reasons to buy from companies, reasons not to buy from companies, cute fuzzy kitten pictures, mathematical wonders requiring knowledge of third-grade arithmetic, lousy animations, tales of optimism gone right, tales of optimism gone wrong and tips on fending off serial killers. I intend to use this experience creating labyrinthine lab·y·rin·thine adj. Of, relating to, resembling, or constituting a labyrinth. labyrinthine pertaining to or emanating from a labyrinth. e-mail filters toward a doctoral degree in computer science - once I get through reading that backlog of blonde jokes Blonde jokes are a class of jokes based on a stereotype of blonde women as unintelligent, sexually promiscuous, or both. Many are simply variations on other racist jokes, sometimes adapted to make them less offensive. . One common ethical struggle that e-mail victims face is whether they're required to read each and every letter - even if many were seemingly sent with no pre-screening on the sender's part. Short answer: No. Even if it's from Grandma. Scientific evidence has shown, they say, that four out of five serial forwarders couldn't care less if you do in fact read the material. (Most just really like to press the send button.) Thus the recipient is no more obligated ob·li·gate tr.v. ob·li·gat·ed, ob·li·gat·ing, ob·li·gates 1. To bind, compel, or constrain by a social, legal, or moral tie. See Synonyms at force. 2. To cause to be grateful or indebted; oblige. to read the mail than he or she is to read strip club fliers forced by the dozens on tourists in Vegas. And, truth be told, the lap-dancers' pamphleteers are likely giving a whole lot more thought to the information they're disseminating than the second cousins bombarding Bombarding is the process of 'pumping' a Cold Cathode Lighting tube (otherwise called Neon Signs). Information A detailed process of bombarding can be found here, Bombarding. 23 family members with junk mail See spam and junk faxes. . We'd stop them if we could, but it seems awfully harsh to report an elderly in-law or a friendly former classmate as the neighborhood spammer. There may be a way, though, to stop acquaintance mailers before they go off the edge and mass-mail again: an anti-spam task force that hunts them down and sends back forwarded messages in triplicate. That ought to decrease your inbox volume for a while - at least until the e-junkies receive treatment for their addiction. The other solution, of course, is a time-honored tradition among college students: When a messy apartment gets out of hand, move. Victims of serial forwarders can now pick up and find a new e-mail address See Internet address. e-mail address - electronic mail address , entering a sort of witness spam-protection program. But remember: Forward this column to friends and family first, or you'll be sorry. Jillian O'Connor, (818) 713-3698 jillian.oconnor(at)dailynews.com CAPTION(S): photo Photo: no caption (keyboard) |
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