FOR COUPLES, CONFLICT'S NO SIN - IT CAN BE PRODUCTIVE.

Byline: Loraine O'Connell Orlando Sentinel 

Disagreeable though it is, disagreement is a fact of life if you're married or cohabiting.

It's always sounded a little suspicious when couples brag, "We've been married 50 years and have never had a cross word between us."

If that's so, then one of two things is going on: Either they married their cosmic twins - a rare occurrence, but it happens. Or, more likely, they left their personalities at the altar and have mutated into the Married Blob. In that case, it's a good bet they've lived their lives in a state of perpetual compromise - with neither one ever getting what he or she really wants - all in the name of conflict avoidance.

Conflict isn't a sin; nor is it a signal that disaster looms for the marriage.

"It is possible to love someone and still fight with that person," writes Fred P. Piercy and Norman M. Lobsenz in their nifty little guidebook, "Stop Marital Fights Before They Begin."

Piercy is the director of the marriage and family therapy program at Purdue University; Lobsenz is a writer who specializes in marriage and family relationships.

The idea isn't to avoid conflict, they say, it's to use conflict productively. However, a constantly bickering couple can't do that if they persist in the same old pattern of attack and counterattack - a pattern that can lead to violence in some cases.

To stop the pattern, Piercy and Lobsenz offer more than 60 "circuit breakers" couples can use to defuse a fight. These tactics won't settle the dispute, but they will give couples breathing room and perspective. Thus, when they return to the disagreement - which they should do - they can stay focused on the issue before them and approach it with a problem-solving mentality rather than a hostile, win-lose attitude.

Here's a tiny sampling of Piercy and Lobsenz's circuit breakers:

Write your arguments. A letter allows you to express specifically what you want to say about a sensitive subject, free of the desire to counterattack or defend what you're saying. Be sure to begin and end the letter on a positive note, affirming your willingness to work things out.

Audio- or videotape your arguments. This sounds pretty goofy to me. Like an angry spouse is really going to say, "Hold that ugly thought, honey - let me grab the camcorder." But Piercy and Lobsenz swear that couples willing to try it learn a lot about their behavior - and how they come across to each other.