FIGHT BACK : THERE'S NO NEED TO PAY FOR INFORMATION ABOUT AUCTIONS OF GOVERNMENT SURPLUS.

Byline: David Horowitz 

Newspapers and radio stations often carry ads for government surplus auctions where you can supposedly buy used military vehicles for less than $100. Or maybe you can buy a drug runner's sports car or a high-speed boat seized in a crime for an even more ridiculous price.

What these ads are really selling are $20 to $50 guidebooks and pamphlets on how to buy surplus government property at auction. They do not tell you how to get a seized or surplus car for next to nothing.

There is nothing secret about government surplus auctions, which are held throughout the country. Buyers submit sealed bids on various cars, trucks, buses or whatever that agency happens to be selling. Some are in good condition, while others are junkers, worth only their weight in scrap metal.

These auctions are generally attended by professional dealers, so the final sales prices are pretty close to the wholesale value of each vehicle. No trade-ins, no guarantees. Every vehicle is sold as-is. Terms are strictly cash and carry or tow.

Notices of state and local auctions are usually advertised in the newspaper. If you're interested in what Uncle Sam is selling off, look up the General Services Administration under ``U.S. Government'' in your phone book and call for the free information about the auctions.

Organic foods

Organic foods are now the in thing with federal regulators, after they nearly ignored the issues of regulating how these foods are grown and marketed for years. In 1996, organic food sales reached $3.5 billion, and they have been going up 20 percent a year since 1990.

Now, the United States Department of Agriculture is proposing regulations to govern the organic food industry. In the meantime, the Environmental Protection Agency is telling the public that the benefits of eating a diet high in fruits and veggies outweighs the risk from small amounts of pesticides that may be on your food.

The EPA says those pesticide residues can be reduced if you wash and scrub fruits and vegetables under running water. Peel and trim fruits and vegetables when possible. Trim fat from meat and skin from poultry and fish because pesticide residues collect in them.

And finally, cook or bake the product to decrease residues that may have been absorbed into fruits and vegetables. But overcooking may destroy important nutrients.

Junk ideas

I often wonder where the producers of provocative talk shows get their ideas and the people to get involved in what seems like mortal combat. It's obvious they buy the tabloid papers for some of the bizarre guest sessions and rip off other TV and radio shows. But there are catalogs published monthly that list sources and ideas for producers searching for a hot topic.

So-called experts in human behavior are usually authors and public speakers who pay for ads in those source books the way you would place an ad in the classifieds. The magazines are then given to radio and TV stations for free, and some of the ideas in them might be worth twice the price.

Here are some of them: ``How to make love to the same person for the rest of your life and still love it.'' And ``Why the sexiest couples do yoga.'' And ``New smugglers of drugs: goldfish, snakes and birds.'' I can't wait to see a show based on ``cutting your age in half.''

And this is the do-it-yourself clincher: ``How to get money from smelly old sneakers!'' Phew And finally, ``How do you reduce your dog's sex drive?'' I guess creativity has no boundaries when it comes to entertaining bored TV couch potatoes.

Mortgage garbage fees

Mortgage rates are down, but the rush to get new financing or refinancing often doesn't take into account profit-making fees by lenders, known in the industry as ``garbage'' or ``junk fees.''

Most people don't pay much attention to ``good faith estimates'' that include ``standard'' charges such as loan fees, title insurance fees, appraisal fees and credit report fees. They are considered ``ordinary and usual costs.''

After the escrow closes, some folks find they were charged for fees that were not included in the good faith estimate. Costs were added for ``documentation, underwriting, warehousing and recording.'' These lender-originated charges can be considered garbage fees that are nothing more than excess profits after the customers have paid points and other bothersome handling fees.

Federal loan disclosure laws are supposed to prevent such fees from being added if they are not included in the original estimate. If you paid these added-on charges, you can demand a refund, and if you are hassled by the lender, contact the nearest office of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) and file a complaint.