FIGHT BACK : GOVERNMENTAL GOBBLEDYGOOK.

Byline: David Horowitz 

I just finished writing to my U.S. senator in an attempt to get him to clear up some government language that I can't understand. While writing the letter, I recalled a promise that President Clinton made after his first inauguration.

He said he would start a program to have all federal agencies write regulations in simple English. I have always felt simply stated laws would save countless amounts of time reading government publications that always seem to be written for the bureaucrats and not for the average person.

Clinton's statement made news, and nothing happened after that. I guess he realized how much time and money it would take to teach the government icons to speak and write in simple English, ``the language of the people.''

Now, we are in an era of massive deregulation for telephone, power and energy with information changing almost daily. I'd like to see the federal government make it easier for people to understand some of the confusing regulations that are being thrown at them from the government and corporate America.

I know, Mr. President, you have more important personal issues to deal with, but this could make more than just tabloid headlines. After all, you were the one who came up with the idea six years ago.

Home size bragging

Most of us love to say our home is bigger than it really is because it makes us feel more important. When discussing homes, one of the most frequently asked questions is: How many square feet is the place? People grope for an answer: ``Let's see, about ummm, x number of square feet.''

It's fine to guess the square footage when you are in conversation but not if you are giving the figure as an official statement transaction. If a home sale is based on square footage, it had better be accurate, or you could end up in a lawsuit for misrepresenting the size.

``More or less'' is not an accurate statement. Houses are usually measured for square footage by house appraisers for fire insurance companies or when applying for mortgages to determine the value of the house based upon the cost per square foot to build it.

If you, as the seller, give the wrong information to the real-estate buyer, you can both end up in court. Remember, the measured size of the house is a gauge to its value on the market.

Water, water everywhere

In the poem ``The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner,'' a sailor is sent adrift on a leaking boat with no food. A line in the poem goes something like this ``Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.''

The mariner obviously knew the hazard of drinking saltwater. Today, I wonder how many travelers pay attention to the ordinary water they drink while they are on the road, although they aren't confronted with saltwater as the only alternative.

On a recent trip through some cities in the Southwest, I decided to stop drinking my bottled water and instead drink local tap water. The difference in taste between local and bottled water was very noticeable.

I tasted chlorine in some local water and found other water had a brownish tinge that almost drove me back to the bottled water. I held other local water up to the light and saw what looked like tiny critters in suspension. Some pure spring water even had small segments of green algae floating in it.

The five-day, four-city experiment left me with problems like an upset stomach, a horrific taste in my mouth and diarrhea before I hit the filtered bottled water again. I flushed my system out with two 1-liter bottles of water, and, gradually, I felt better.

Did I learn a lesson? To paraphrase a famous author, ``When in Rome ... don't do as the Romans - unless you find out the pros and cons.''