FAT, LATE AND BROKE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Knowing all that legal Clarett-induced mess that Mike Williams went through simply to get out of USC so he could make his riches in the NFL, could anyone see the story coming out now that the star receiver has been fined so much by the Detroit Lions for team violations, being overweight and missing team meetings that he'll actually be playing for free his first two seasons since his income doesn't cover the amount he was docked for the indiscretions?

Couldn't he have just played for free under far less stress on Pete Carroll's dime back at the Coliseum?

Will infielder-for-hire Paper-ma-Shea Hillenbrand spot a sinking ship in the San Francisco Bay as quickly as he did in Toronto?

So now we've got 94-year-old fun-loving ex-Negro League star Buck O'Neil taking not one, but two walks in a minor-league exhibition All-Star Game, while wearing a pair of blue jeans and a watch, and some historian is actually gonna log that into the books as the official record for oldest player to appear in a contest, just a week after an 83-year-old cat actually went down swinging in a regulation independent league game?

How old is this act already?

Considering knuckleball non-expert Jose Canseco's pitching line in that Golden Baseball League All-Star Game -- one-third of an inning, four runs, three hits, one walk -- doesn't that immediately make him a viable candidate for at least two-thirds of the big-league bullpens these days as a setup man?

Is everyone really OK with OK City as the home base for both the pesky Hornets and the sooner Sonics? When did the NBA turn into the Grapes of Wrath?

You sure Jeff Kent's latest injury isn't related to some pickup truck-washing incident?

The MLS Red Bulls need a pick-me-up, so they pick up Bruce Arena and his World Cup decaffeinated, decertified defensive-minded schemes? Doesn't he know the only time they cheer Bruce in any arena in that part of the country is when it's a Springsteen concert?

Zack Asack isn't really the name of the Duke QB just suspended for plagiarizing, is it? A wanna-be Trent Dilfer couldn't pilfer something better than that?

Sammy Sosa said something serious? Seriously, can you say that fast three times?

Did you hear the one about the grand jury that actually did indict a ham sandwich because Barry Bonds spread flaxseed oil on it?

Luke Prokopec? D.J. Houlton? Edwin Jackson? Any more Dodger discards who could fill a viable spot in the current rotation?

When one typical night of TV choices this summer are ``America's Got Talent'' (on NBC), ``Rock Star: Supernova'' (CBS), ``So You Think You Can Dance'' (Fox) and ``The One: Making A Music Star'' (a repeat on ABC), doesn't the WNBA pay-per-view package on DirecTV look all that more enticing?

[e-mail]

[phone]