FAIRLY EASY TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

Byline: KAREN CROUSE

Heaven knows Dick Dull has enough on his plate, trying to digest the simmering stew that is CSUN athletics.

The last thing the university's new athletic director should have to bother himself with is drafting a help-wanted ad for ``The NCAA News.'' Forget finding a head football coach to replace Ron Ponciano, who was fired Friday. Dull is doing well if he can find his way home from the grocery store.

It's asking a lot of Dull to sell a program he knows only slightly better than the neighbors he has yet to meet. So dispensing with the traditional Welcome Wagon gift basket, we offer Dull this draft of a coaching classified ad.

It's actually two drafts in one. For Dull's convenience, we've included the plain truth and the bold-faced lie. We'll let his conscience be his guide in deciding which one to use.

WANTED: Prospector/Patsy to lead unmined/downtrodden Division I program to its gold-rush/final days.

Must have a thirst for adventure/misadventure and an eye for untapped talent/players UCLA, USC and Montana State won't touch.

Previous Division I college coaching experience/a pulse also is required. Strong game-day/survival instincts advisable.

Knowing how to get around the NCAA rulebook/neighborhood protesters is a plus.

Prefer someone used to working with a maximum number of scholarships/headaches.

Would be working in facilities that are first-rate/cut-rate. The on-campus stadium has the same nostalgic allure as the L.A. Memorial Coliseum/your grandfather's WWII battle scars.

San Fernando Valley ties are a requisite/really going to make it hard accept the hopelessness of the situation.

Knowledge of local prep talent is important for recruiting/scouting opponents.

Plans for a princely new stadium are in the works/dumpster. The project has the surrounding community on its feet, applauding/up in arms. Suites/lawsuits are possibilities.

The passing/crying game is paramount. So a strong commitment to the pass/constitution is a must.

The university's athletic department is in transition/chaos. In the past it consistently has put the students' needs/its own interests first.

Have to be prepared to foster a rapport with assistant coaches/temporary employment agencies.

References are required/who will be there for you when it all falls apart. A long-term vision/short-term lease is a plus.

Loyalty to players is a must/dead-end street.

Will have say in hiring earnest/duplicitious assistant coaches. When putting together a staff, the name Elway/Judas is a plus.

Assistant coaching candidates will be asked to submit urine/handwriting samples.

Full coffers/empty seats are a given. Since making the leap of faith from Division II, the school's athletes have raised many championship banners/objections after entire programs were shelved.

The men's baseball, volleyball, soccer and swimming teams are striking examples of the school's commitment to a broad-based program/the bottom line.

The school is committed to gender equity in athletics as a matter of principle/long as Cal-NOW demands it.

Football on campus is synonymous with success/excess. The sport is widely viewed by the administration and the student body as necessary/a necessary evil.

The Matador is more than the school's nickname, it's a state of mind/metaphor for the administration and its bold/bloodthirsty intentions.

Serious applicants are advised to bring to the job interview mammoth/modest expectations.

Salary is negotiable/negligible. The compensation package will knock your socks off/leave you shoeless. Send resume and cover letter to Dick Dull at Northridge/Nowhereville.