Eye surgery isn't my vision of the future.

Byline: Tam Cowan

IN the brilliant box-office blockbuster I Am Legend, a terrifying plague wipes out most of humanity and Will Smith's character is the sole survivor in New York.

But if you think that sounds dramatic, I'm convinced I'm going to wake up one morning to discover I'm the only person in the country still wearing specs.

Every man and his dog would appear to be getting laser eye surgery (OK, perhaps not the dogs, but it's only a matter of time when you think what some bampot pet-owners are like).

And the newspaper report I saw the other day - thank God for reading glasses - had my peepers bulging like Marty Feldman's.

Believe it or not, folks, 100,000 people tired of wearing spectacles or contact lenses are now undergoing this corrective procedure in the UK every year.

However, even though the advance in technology means there are fewer and fewer risks, I'm afraid I still don't fancy it.

Nope, I'll stick to the Gregory Pecks, thanks very much.

I hate anyone or anything touching my eyes - especially a big bloody laser - and I don't want to run the risk of having two smoking holes in the back of my head and shuffling about for the rest of my days like Donald Pleasance in the last half hour of The Great Escape.

Quite frankly, I'd sooner have my meat and two veg blowtorched by James Bond's old flame Auric Goldfinger.

I'm actually one of the lucky ones. As you can see from the mugshot above, I don't need to worry about a pair of specs spoiling my good looks and I've worn glasses since... well, since Channel Four started showing those Red Triangle films in the mid-Eighties.

And you know the only thing that bothers me about the four-eyes look?

This might sound daft, but I have arecurring nightmare about falling off a boat (a holiday cruise-liner, for example) and, despite being just 30 yards from the shore, I start swimming in the opposite direction due to the fact I've lost my glasses.

Cajoled by my optician at Dollond & Aitchison in Motherwell, I tried contact lenses about 10 years ago - but I felt naked walking up and down the precinct and rushed back to the shop for my specs.

My mate got laser eye surgery about 18 months ago and, even though it was a great success and he now boasts 20/20 vision, he admits the video recording of his operation is definitely not for the squeamish.

I'd challenge anyone to read about laser eye surgery on Wikipedia while eating their lunch. Unless, of course, you find having the top layer of your cornea being scraped away or a flap cut in your eyeball particularly appetising...

Nope, it's definitely not for yours truly and I can assure you I won't be one of the 100,000 punters getting the treatment done in 2009.

My missus, however, is desperate for laser eye surgery... and I find that even scarier.

With 20/20 vision, I'm terrified she'll take one look at the lump lying on the couch and head for the nearest divorce court.

That's on the cards, anyway, after our little exchange just the other night.

"I fancy getting that laser surgery," she said.

"Good idea," I replied. "You don't suit a moustache..."

'I don't want to run the risk of having two smoking holes in the back of my head and shuffling about for the rest of my days like Donald Pleasance in The Great Escape'