Everything I do, a man does.

"Everyday I look in the mirror and wonder if I am normal, if I am man
enough. But I still don't know what a man is."
--16-year old Latino Male (Los Angeles, CA)

Everyday many young men, perhaps older men as well, look in the mirror and ask themselves this same question. The question would not be hard

to answer if young men felt supported and the messages they received about what a man is were clear and consistent. The answer would simply be: "Everything I do, a man does."

What makes the question difficult to answer for many young men is that they are trying to conform to gender identities set by their families and society.

Young men are exposed to many messages from different sources that inform them about what it means to be a man. Parents and other adults weigh in to make sure that young men understand what it means to be a man. Social groups and broader associations have their own set of expectations of men. Society as a whole has a say in what men are supposed to do through the institutions and policies it adopts. And just in case a young man has any doubts about what a man is after receiving input from family, friends, and society, he can turn on the television, listen to music, or read magazines to help sort it all out and provide clarity. After all, if real men don't exist in the media then where can they be found?

CONFLICTING FRAMEWORKS OF MANHOOD 

Parents and caregivers often indicate that they want to raise their sons to be sensitive and empathetic, and to possess a comfort and willingness to share their feelings and emotions. However, many of these same adults want the young men in their charge to avoid being perceived as weak by other young men (presumably to avoid being teased and bullied), be assertive, and have strong leadership attributes. Whether young men are capable of navigating these diverse expectations is not in question--there are many examples of adult men who have done so successfully. The question is what becomes of those men who are not successful in achieving a balance between sensitivity and strength? Is there a Darwinian effect that makes men who are unable to balance these attributes extinct, or are they elevated to a level of emulation? Does it depend on whether they are leaders lacking sensitivity or sensitive men lacking attributes of strength?

Outdated Messages. "Boys don't play with dolls, tea sets, etc." "Boys don't wear pink." "Boys don't tattletale." Although these may seem outdated to many adults today, these ideals survive because social groups successfully transfer these messages from generation to generation in what appears to be a greater consensus to keep them in place than to change them. Perhaps, society simply cannot decide what that change might look like.

As a consequence, boys live in social networks that inherit and follow norms that determine both acceptable behaviors and the consequences for not behaving that way. And these norms have not changed too much from what we knew as children. By the time a boy reaches adolescence, just at the time he starts to define what kind of man he wishes to be, he has a framework of manhood under which to operate. Presumably, with all the input he has received, this updated definition of manhood will be a bit narrower than the ones that he started with when he was born.

For some people, questions about these frameworks pit the concept of nature against that of nurture, perhaps as a way to say that there are some things that we simply cannot change. The construction of the debate in such a way, however, ignores the fact that we can do better by our boys--much, much better.

INTERNALIZED MESSAGES

If you ask, young men will tell you what a successful man looks like, what he possesses, and a range of activities or professions in which successful men engage. Likewise, they can tell you the opposite--what a loser looks like, what he possesses, and the range of activities or jobs he pursues. These images can forge a definition of manhood within the mind of a young man that can be very hard to alter once it has been internalized.

Many men, if not most, are successful in navigating the maze of adolescent identity-seeking and achieving a male identity that is less constricted and more balanced than their father's was. But do they achieve this balance because of the input they receive from family and society, or in spite of it?

We cannot determine with confidence or certainty whether a boy that internalizes the idea that boys do not play with dolls also internalizes the concept that nurturing and caring for children is for girls. There are abundant examples of men who were raised with this message who are engaged and nurture children as fathers, teachers, or mentors. There are also sufficient examples of men who abandon their nurturing role as fathers and caregivers because they are not connected to the reality that they too have a nurturing aspect. Lost in the lessons they learned was that nurturing is not gender specific and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with boys who play with dolls.

Boys Will Be Boys. Another message that males often hear is the refrain of "boys will be boys." It is most often used to dismiss actions or behaviors that are challenging or seem impossible to change. As if to say that their gender excuses their behavior.

Rarely is this refrain sung when a group of boys combine efforts to beautify or contribute to their community. When was the last time we heard someone say, "I saw a group of young men volunteering their time to paint over graffiti in the park. You know, boys will be boys." The phrase is most often used when a young man or a group of young men do something that they should have known not to do.

Highlighting the potential negative attributes that young men confront as they transition through adolescence is often done in an alarming way to incite fear and create a crisis. Unfortunately, some have already succeeded in creating suspicion and fear of boys, as is evidenced by zero tolerance policies directed at boys in schools and in juvenile laws.

How are we (family, friends, and society) serving the interest of boys by excusing what they do because they are boys? This standard does not serve young men well.

Nonetheless, this standard has a profound impact in how we engage young men about a broad range of topics, including sexual health information and education. The sexual health information afforded to young men by families, schools, and health providers touches on an aspect that young men believe is central to their concept of manhood--sex. And how we address this topic will affect a young man's sexual behavior.

Is "boys will be boys" the expression we will fall back on to explain why they act out their sexual behaviors and impulses?

CHANGING SEXUAL "NORMS"

The topics within sexual health contain issues that smack right into the "norms" that social groups set about manhood. How can the topic of sexual identity be addressed without the issue of homophobia being dealt with openly? How can we reduce the number of sexual partners a young man will have when the goal for some young men is to "get as much as you can" in order to prove he is a man? How can we construct a common language that allows young men to set sexual limits and respect the limits of others when they have not been engaged in that dialogue?

Although there are noble efforts by individuals and programs to engage young men in a substantive dialogue about gender and sexual health, greater commitment is needed at the national level to affect a truly substantive change. Of course, we must ask change toward what end?

Perhaps the change we should seek is one that allows young men to see beyond the norms they have inherited and understand how some outdated norms affect the professions they are attracted to, the type of partnerships they create with others, and whether they will be able to find fulfillment in their lives by expressing who they are. Perhaps we simply want to reduce the harm created when young men act out on their homophobic fears and harass, injure, or even murder to prove to others that they are not gay but real men. Maybe we want to increase the amount of information among young people about the pleasures and responsibilities that accompany a sexually active life. Or maybe we want to establish a goal that substitutes graduating from high school for becoming sexually active as the accepted rite of passage from boy to man. Some change is necessary, but where do we begin?

Steps We Can Take. One start might be to engage parents and caregivers and to communicate the crucial roles they have in supporting the young men in their life. If the goal is to raise a boy that can share what he feels then he must feel validated and secure when he actually does. He should not be told "don't be a sissy" or that "boys don't cry" when he experiences physical or emotional pain. If the goal is to instill confidence and positive self regard then exposing a boy to a broad range of activities so that he may uncover talents and master skills is important. Irrespective of the goals that adults have for boys and young men, parents and caregivers remain the critical link in a young man's ability to achieve his personal goals.

In addition, all efforts to educate boys and young men about their sexual health should contain more than medically accurate information. Parents and educators should create a dialogue with boys and young men and ask the questions that rarely get asked, such as:

  What do you think being a boy means?
  What does it mean to be a man?
  What kind of partnerships do you see for yourself?
  Do you think you'll ever have children? When? How many?
  What role does sex play in your definition of being a man?

The answers young men have to these and similar questions are a window to the attitudes that they have about themselves and others. If these questions are asked within a supportive environment, young men will have the ability to examine the norms that they have inherited and determine which norms serve them well and which norms should be retired.

ADDRESSING SEXUAL HEALTH

On more than one occasion I have had the privilege of working with programs that provide sexual health education to young men. In fact, these programs do much more than deliver sexual health information, they address broader concepts such as relationships and manhood. In some of these interactions, I have heard young men and their parents share how their attitudes about themselves have changed since they were exposed to new ideas during group discussions.

Working With Young Men. In San Diego, for example, a young man shared his experience in the program with me. He remembered talking about the range of emotions that men have and the idea that crying is not a sign of weakness for men. The first time he heard this he was in utter disbelief and rejected the idea that it is okay for men to cry. However, he slowly began to notice that men around him were in fact crying, he noticed that men in his family cried and he saw a mentor cry when speaking about his own children. Eventually he too started to cry when he was happy, sad, or in pain. He explained that "no one put me down when I cried, so now I cry if I feel like it." When I asked him where he learned that young men should not cry, he responded, "I have been trying to figure that out since I started the program." He added, "But if I ever have a son I will make sure that he knows that it is okay for boys and dads to cry." Some adult men have yet to discover what this young 15-year old man has learned.

In another instance, a young man participating in a program in northern California indicated that he was constantly worried that he truly didn't know what it meant to be a man. He explained that his mother had raised him and was his role model, but "deep down inside I knew she was not a guy." Although he knew that what she was teaching him was good, he wondered if it was the same as what other guys were learning from their dads. "I was faking it and thought others would find me out," he said. "I would listen to other guys and see if they would share what their dads had taught them."

Through the program, however, he discovered that he wasn't "faking it" and that the concepts of manhood that his mother had exposed him to were exactly the ones that he should attempt to live by. He also learned that other young men in the program, even those who had two parents, felt the same way he did, still "we never talked about it." When I asked him why he and his friends didn't talk about what it meant to be a man he said, "I guess we were afraid because none of us knew for sure what that meant."

Working With Parents and Caregivers. Similar issues come up when I work with the parents and caregivers of adolescent boys. Both mothers and fathers indicate that as their sons entered puberty, conversations and communication became less frequent and that they were concerned about what their sons were learning about manhood.

One father told me that when he was growing up in rural Mexico, he went to school and then worked with his father in the afternoon, everyday except Sunday. This was his reality from boyhood through puberty and until the day he left Mexico to seek his fortune in the United States. He explained that later in life he came to understand that working beside his father he had learned through example and subtle guidance what it meant to be a father and a man. He understood, however, that he did not have the opportunity to teach his son in the same manner. At the same time, he wondered whether what he learned about being a man from his father was valid for his son, who was growing up in the United States. All of the parents in the group nodded when he said this because they too were immigrants and shared his doubts.

In response, the program director indicated that in addition to sexual health education, the program had a cultural aspect that reinforced the positive values that these Latino families were trying to convey to their sons. He also explained that the program encouraged young men to dialogue with their parents about what it was like to grow up in a different place and time.

When the parents were asked how they felt about a program that was addressing sexual health issues, a topic that is often thought to be taboo in Latino families, one mother indicated her appreciation for the program. She explained that neither she nor her husband were exposed to more than "the basics" surrounding their reproductive health and that they felt ill equipped to address the topic of sexual health with their children. Once again most of the parents nodded, indicating that they felt the same way.

WE CAN DO MORE

At recent gatherings of young men from California who represented nearly 30 communities that had higher-than-average teen pregnancy rates, I learned that working with young men around sexual health issues really does matter and that things are changing for some young men.

The young men attending the meetings conducted and participated in workshops to share what they had learned, or in some instances re-learned, about sexual health, positive leadership, relationships, fatherhood, and manhood. Had their parents been present, they would have been proud to see that their sons were capable of being not only students but teachers as well. They would have also been impressed with the fact that these young men were well on their way to understanding that being a man means nurturing your potential so that you can contribute positively to your family and community, that relationships based on mutual respect and affection are the most fruitful, and that being a man has little to do with the number of sexual partners you have and more to do with the way you live your life.

These focused efforts to engage boys in a discussion about who they are, what manhood means to them, and their sexual health are needed, but the fact remains that we wait much too long to start these discussions. The delay may be caused by the unfounded fear that talking about these issues will wake young men to the reality that they are sexual beings. Meanwhile magazines and media are unrelenting in their commitment to "sex sells" and "boys will be boys" messages that are persistent and often unchecked.

Is it their responsibility to stop using sex as a tool to sell products or a false image of manhood? Or, is it our responsibility to begin the dialogue with the young men in our lives about sex, sexual health, and manhood and to help them reconcile the concepts of manhood that the media offers with what families want for their sons?

There is much to learn and even more that must be done to help young men navigate through adolescence. There will likely be agreement about some norms that are generally perceived as "good," such as nurturing responsibility, and some norms that are thought to be "bad," such as the association between sexual promiscuity and manhood. At the same time there may also be acrimonious debate on other issues such as how comprehensive sexual health education should be, what young men should learn about sexual orientation, what constitutes a family, and what role men play in families. This debate is healthy and necessary but the fact remains that boys and young men are waiting for us to help them figure all of this out.

Our goal must be to help those young men who stare at themselves in the mirror and wonder whether they are normal arrive at an answer that validates who they are and allows them to live happy and fruitful lives and construct meaningful relationships. If we succeed in this endeavor we will see young men develop and share their talents with their family and community, and we will all be the richer for it.

RELATED ARTICLE: 2005-2006 SEXUALITY AND POLICY POSTDOCTORAL FELLOWSHIP

The Sexuality Research Fellowship Program announces its 2005-2006 Sexuality and Policy Postdoctoral Fellowship competition which will award fellowships for research on sexuality and policy analysis, policy development and/or implementation, relevant to local, state, or national concerns.

ELIGIBILITY: Applicants who already hold the Ph.D. or its equivalent and who have received the Ph.D. degree no more than 10 years prior to the date of the deadline submission. Applicants cannot already be tenured, although they can occupy at the time of applying, a tenure track position. Policymakers, advocates, service providers, and program administrators who conduct research are also invited to apply. Research must be conducted in the United States.

RESEARCH CONSULTANT: Fellows should submit applications in partnership with another scholar/professional who will provide substantive expertise to the Fellow in research methodology/ design and/or policy, and provide overall assistance and advice in carrying out the research plan. The Research Consultant shall hold a doctoral degree from a U.S. university or from an accredited foreign university, and shall demonstrate commitment to human sexuality research through his/her previous publication record and research experience.

STIPEND: One year fellowship awards will be given to six Postdoctoral Fellows; stipends will be based on the awardee's previous year's salary and professional standing, for a minimum of $50,000 and up to $60,000 to cover research costs and living expenses. For each fellowship awarded, an additional $5,000 will be awarded to the Fellow's Research Consultant, in compensation for his/her contribution to the research partnership.

APPLICATIONS: More detailed applications information can be found at: www.ssrc.org/fellowships/sexuality All online forms must be completed and electronically submitted by 9 PM Eastern Standard Time (U.S.), December 11th, 2004. The full application packet must be received at the SSRC by December 15, 2004.

CONTACT THE SRFP: Diane di Mauro, Program Director/ Lissa Gundlach at: [e-mail] [phone] ext. 518

Hector Sanchez-Flores

Senior Research Associate Center for Reproductive Health Research and Policy University of California San Francisco, CA