English Descends from Its Pedestal

A singles ad in a Texas newspaper read, "I'm looking for a man who will put me on a pedal stool." That blooper, spotted by John Bowman of San Antonio, was one of many verbal lulus sent to me recently by readers across the country. Can you spot the blots?

1. "The robber was described as a white man with a stalky to medium build." A stalker? (spotted by Phebe Krouse, Du Bois, Pa.)

2. "The eatery even created the Bush Plate, featuring ribs, beans, leaks and potato salad." Reporters must love the place. (Sandy Harris via email)

3. "[About a 92-year-old preacher] "He . . . walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium." At least it wasn't a pearly gate. (Betty Lundy, West Point, Miss.)

4. "Dr. NEED FIRST NAME Sutherland, an obstetric gynecologist . . ." Copy editor on vacation? (Jo Ann Lawlor, San Jose, Calif.)

5. "When I . . . saw the look of shear horror on my 16-year-old daughter's face." She didn't like her new haircut? (Susan Sherwin, Homestead, Pa.)

6. "It is a phantasmagoric display of bison heads and dear antlers?" Trophy wives? (Clare Barton, Glastonbury, Conn.)

7. "The 42-inch mowing deck, powered by a wench . . ." Strong woman! (Rod Heiman, Emery, S.D.)

8. [From a classified ad for home health workers]: "Help asses and enroll new members." Would those be the bosses? (Geri Chmil, New York City)

9. "Once our investigation starts and we have a propensity of evidence to recommend disciplinary charges, we will." That sentence should have been pre-pondered. (Elmer Sullivan, Ewing, N.J.)

10. "I just gave him the old 'eagle eye' and walked away." (Jay Lloyd, Benicia, Calif.)

11. "I was always taught to stay away from racial slurs and epitaphs." (Charles Duncan, Potsdam, N.Y.)

12. From an otherwise perfectly crafted resume: "Impeachable references upon request." (Anonymous via email)

13. "I'm engaged in a plutonic relationship." Must be out of this world! (Anonymous via email)

14. From an ad for a tool kit: "Includes level, adjustable wrench, groove joint, pliers, ape measure." Perfect for zookeepers. (Mrs. Robert Cerwonka, Potsdam, N.Y.)

15. About a film directed by John Carpenter: "Carpenter maintains a taught pace . . ." He must have learned from the best! (Carol Opdyke, Norfolk, N.Y.)

Corrections:

1. stocky 2. leeks 3. gait 4. message to copy editor further down the line went unheeded 5. sheer 6. deer 7. winch 8. assess 9. preponderance 10. evil eye 11. epithets 12. Impeccable 13. platonic 14. tape measure 15. taut pace

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to [e-mail] or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Rob Kyff and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.