Enforcing appropriate behavior.

Dear Bob:

We had an episode at camp last summer that caused quite a stir. An 11-year-old boy (whom I'll call Tom) had been teased by another boy (whom I'll call Roy). Tom left Roy's cabin, went to his own and got a knife that he had brought to camp without anyone's knowledge. Possessing a knife in camp is against our rules.

Luckily, on the way back to Roy's cabin, Tom was intercepted by a counselor. My question is, does Tom go home, or does that preclude us from being able to help a youngster who may truly need it? Our staff was quite divided on this issue.

Troubled Dear Troubled:

The ideal response to your camper Tom would be to keep him at camp and send his knife home. However, you must determine whether or not you can help this boy before considering if he should stay.

Here are some key factors you must consider. If, after you have confiscated the knife and Tom has had a chance to cool off, he can recognize that: a) he had broken a camp rule by having a knife at camp, and b) he was acting in an unacceptable way by getting the knife instead of getting some help, then you have something to work with. If the boy cannot see that he acted inappropriately by bringing a knife into camp and attempting to use it to settle a score (even if he only meant to "threaten" someone with it), then you have nothing else to do but call the parents and relate the incident to them. At this point I would also make a strong recommendation to the parents that they get the boy some help, since this kind of behavior is a clear cry for some kind of intervention.

So step one is to have the boy acknowledge that he broke a camp rule. Step two is to have the boy acknowledge that there are other ways that he could have responded to the teasing, and to have him identify a counselor with whom he has some kind of positive relationship that he can go to when needed.

The third step is what's known as "contracting." Contracting is simply making an agreement with a camper and formalizing it by writing it down on paper. It should be signed by the camper, the director and a counselor trusted by the camper. The contract should state that the camper agrees to talk to someone when he has been hurt, teased or otherwise feels angry about something someone has done to him. The contract should specify a particular counselor for the boy to seek out when he needs to talk. Allow the boy to contribute to the contract by designating a counselor of his choice.

The other provision of the contract is a promise by the camper not to resort to any kind of threat or violence in the future at camp. The idea, of course, is to reinforce the notion that using a stick, stone or weapon to settle a grudge is simply not acceptable at camp. To help accomplish that goal, other outlets or means of expressing feelings and resolving conflicts must be provided, such as time outs, etc.

If the youngster can agree to the steps outlined above, you have the makings of an important lesson for a young man who needs it. Remember that children are not born civilized -- we must guide them to make them that way. Dear Bob:

I always look forward to reading your column. Your suggestions are very practical and easy to implement.

I was a little discouraged by your response to "I can't" [in the November/ December, 1992 issue). I have so often heard that if you want a child to change a behavior, you better make sure you are not using that same behavior. If we tell the children, "I can't hear you," is it possible that we are reinforcing the very behavior we are trying to eliminate?

Mary D. McKinney, Director

Skagit Youth Camp Dear Mary:

You make an important point about working with children. We indeed must be careful that we are practicing what we arc preaching.

In the case of the campers in the riding ring, they are vying for attention by feigning helplessness. It is the helplessness that I am targeting and not so much the phrase, "I can't." When counselors mirror this phrase back to campers, they are inviting competence by offering a kind of prompt which says, "Now, what is it that will get me to give you the attention you want?" The use of "I can't hear you" by counselors is therefore superficially similar to but profoundly different from what campers are saying.