Elroy stays calm, despite pesky mail.

Byline: Dianne Williamson

COLUMN: DIANNE WILLIAMSON

With the threat of a pandemic looming and world leaders racing to avoid global hysteria, I trust you're all eager to learn about Elroy Crosby Premo's pesky junk mail situation.

I'll be honest. I was prepared to play a cheap, cutesy, journalistic trick and not reveal the "kicker" - that Elroy is actually a Cabbage Patch doll - until later in the column, after I outlined all the mail he gets from Citibank, Lowe's and an especially persistent college so desperate for new enrollments that it appears poised to offer Elroy a lucrative scholarship package.

"Elroy, are you aware that financial aid is available to qualified individuals at New England Institute of Technology?" the college asked Elroy in its letter. (Answer: No.)

But the swine flu outbreak has made it clear that we shouldn't fool around and must cut to the chase, and all I can say is that I'm glad George W. Bush is not president during this health crisis, because he probably would have used it as an excuse to invade Mexico.

I learned about Elroy after giving a talk to the Auburn Chamber of Commerce, which went well except that I was forced to awaken at the ungodly hour of 6:30 a.m., so naturally I ran late and got stopped on I-290 by a state trooper who slapped me with a $250 ticket. Of course I plan to appeal, based on a legal argument so persuasive and compelling that I haven't thought of it yet. But if any judge happens to be reading this, let me assure you that I wasn't speeding at all! My SUV is just really close to the ground!

I ended my talk the way I usually do, by asking people to keep me in mind if they have any column ideas. This request can be risky, because I've learned that lots of people think they have column ideas but really don't, which is why I'm frequently buttonholed by audience members who regale me with tales of their messy divorce or the claim that their dog can play the harmonica.

After this talk, a woman approached and told me about her friend, Nancy Premo, who has a Cabbage Patch doll who gets mail. As I backed away slowly, I gave her my card and suggested her friend give me a call. To my dismay - I mean delight - she did.

"Elroy gets so much mail," Mrs. Premo, 62, told me. "You wouldn't believe it."

Now lots of investigative journalists would simply take this woman at her word. Many reporters don't bother to do any legwork at all, unless they're engaged in the high-pressured assignment of trailing Barack Obama around the golf course, which is how we were treated yesterday to this reportorial gem by The Associated Press: "He arrived at the course wearing sunglasses, a cream-colored baseball cap, a short-sleeved shirt and khaki shorts." (I'm thinking Obama's wardrobe would be newsworthy only had he appeared in the clubhouse wearing a flaming pink tutu).

Anyway, I asked Mrs. Premo if I could come over and see this alleged mail for myself, and she said I could. So I met Elroy, a squat and rather funny-looking doll that was a gift 26 years ago from Mrs. Premo's late husband. Then she handed me a large wicker basket filled with all sorts of mail addressed to Elroy. He's been invited to open houses, offered discounts on prom attire and tempted by term life insurance and a Preferred Rewards card from Citibank. One of my favorite letters invited Elroy to a business seminar at the Crown Plaza:

"Mr. Premo," it read. "This meeting can change your life forever. It has already changed the lives of thousands of people just like you."

Mrs. Premo suspects that Elroy got added to mailing lists more than 20 years ago after a relative sent away for free coupons. But that doesn't explain the phone call Elroy received from a recruiter from the U.S. Naval Reserves.

"I told him Elroy couldn't come to the phone," Mrs. Premo recalled. "He got angry and acted like I was an overprotective mother trying to save her child from going to the Navy. I finally said, `Elroy is a Cabbage Patch doll.' There was dead silence on the other end."

I shudder to think that I never would have broken the story of an innocent doll being harassed by a government employee, had I not addressed the Auburn Chamber. And allow me to note, for the record, that I definitely wasn't speeding on the morning in question. It was Elroy.