Elissa Steamer.

Are you going to change some of your bad habits now that you're on the fearsome Zero team?

Yeah. I've already started changing them. Not because I'm on the Zero team, but because I'm older and I need to change my life. I quit smoking the reefer. I quit drinking to get drunk every night. That's about it. I'm still the laziest person in the world.

How long has this fitness regime been in effect?

About two months for the weed, and the drinking thing for a couple weeks.

Are you feeling better?

Yeah. I've got to get my shit together.

What was your exact conversation with Jamie?

He just called me up and said he wanted to put me on. I said, "Cool." Zero's awesome, you know? I never even thought to ask him about it. It was just a surprise. I was like, "Alright, but I'm 30 years old, man. I can't be getting it done like I used to." He's all, "That's cool. Just take it at your own pace. The more you do, the more you'll get."

Are you getting a board?

I'm working on it. We have a little deal where I have to film a video part and then they'll put it in with the board when it comes out. Hopefully I can have that done in a couple months. That's what I'm shooting for.

How is it staying at the Black Box park?

Project mayhem. It's pretty decent. Can't complain, but it's pretty sweet accommodations. I'm not 18 years old so it's a little strange. I like being around everybody.

Do you take the top bunk?

Nah, I sleep on the bottom bunk. I can't handle sleeping that high. It freaks me out.

What's the laziest thing you do?

Absolutely nothing for days at a time.

Do you walk around the house?

Yeah, I might get up and use the bathroom or something. Go get a pack of smokes. Sometime I'll just sit around and order food all day.

Weren't you telling me there have been times where you ordered food and then were too lazy to go to the door when it arrived?

I don't think so. I'm not that bad.

Okay, let's talk about skating. Take us through your day at Wallenberg blow by blow.

I woke up in the morning and everybody had been partying the night before. There were a bunch of people from out of town staying at my house. Someone told me that there was going to be $1,000 for any girl who could ollie Wallenberg. So I was all, "Fuck it. I'll try it." I thought I'd try it and see if I could do it. Apparently I can't. I was supposed to go back and get it for the last trick in my Newell part, hut the first one I kicked it away and landed on the curb and hit my knee. Now they put that rail up so I don't know if I'll ever get it.

You ever luck around with hard drugs?

I mean, yeah.

Ever had a weird acid trip?

Loads of them. But that was when I was 15. I haven't eaten acid in a long time. But yeah, I've done it all, man.

Heroin?

No, I never shot heroin.

PCP?

A little bit.

What was that like?

It's like you're three seconds ahead and four seconds behind at all times. The kids are going to think I'm a drug addict now. All that stuff is definitely in the past.

What kind of fitness tips do you recommend to someone who wants to be a pro athlete like yourself?

Have a nice sofa. Get a good remote control for the television. Nah, I'm kidding. Everybody is different. But for me it's the sofa, the remote control, and a pack of Winston's.

What's the worst thing about always living with all dudes?

It fucking sucks, that's the worst thing about it. It sucks. I have nobody to talk to. I mean, I can sit around and shoot the shit with them all day, but I've really got nobody to confide in. It's pretty fucking lonely is what it is.

Do you ever clean?

Never. I buy the cleaning supplies. Here's our deal: I buy the trash bags, the toilet paper, the mops and the brooms and the Windex, and then I don't have to clean nothing. They don't buy shit, so I provide the financial stability and they clean.

How filthy can you stand?

Not too filthy. If it gets bad enough, I'll clean it myself.

Why'd you quit Toy Machine?

I remember telling Maldonado to put me on Baker or get me on something. They went on tour and were talking about starting a second company and stuff. I thought that sounded awesome, so as soon as I got the first check I quit Toy Machine and got on Bootleg. That shit was sweet for six or eight months, and then there was trouble between whoever and whoever--not the skaters, just the heads of the companies. Shit went sour, but I liked the team. I liked Pete and the Pikey, Ryan Nix, so I just stuck with it.

How did it feel to fide for a company where the owner was talking shit on your friends in the ads?

It was fucking awful, man. It sucked. One time he told me it would be a lot easier if I just quit because I was friends with all the Baker dudes. That was pretty weird. He basically wanted me to quit, you know.

What's that guy doing now?

I have no idea.

Do you want to apologize to Ed?

I don't think I need to. I thank him all the time. I think we're cool.

How much money did you make total off the Tony Hawk game?

That's confidential, but a lot.

Over a million?

No.

Over $800,000?

I don't know. I didn't add up the receipts but it was a lot of money. A lot more than I ever expected to have in my lifetime.

Are you still in that thing?

No. I haven't been in it since the fifth game or whatever, since they cut the royalties. Shit was hot for a couple years.

Do you still meet people who know you from the game?

All the time, yeah. The other day I was getting my oil changed and the lady was like, "Are you a professional skater?" I was all, "Yeah, how did you know that?" She's all, "I've got that video game and it looks just like you." I was like, "Wow."

Do you dig any of these new girls' skating?

I mean, I like them all. Some of them rip. I think Marissa tips. They're kind of weird about it sometimes, but mostly I like them. Like, am I a fan like I am of Mariano? Is that what you're asking me?

Are you?

No.

Are there any that bug you?

Yeah. A couple.

Have you ever had to knock any out?

Not yet. I wouldn't anyways. This is my new life. I'm older now.

Are you going to pull a Carabeth? She's over 40 and still ripping.

I fuckin' hope so. I hope. I mean, unless I hit the lottery or some shit. I might still skate if I won the lottery. I might be on the pirate ship, though, port to port.

Being from Florida, are you concerned about the plight of the manatee?

A little bit. I obey the no-wake zone.

Have you hit one with a boat before?

No. I fed one a head of lettuce.

What makes Florida so fucked?

I don't know. Maybe because it's so thin? I don't know why it's fucked but it's fucked, I can tell you that much. I'm here for nine days and it's seriously like a jail sentence. I'm counting the hours.

Was it weird to get your boobs plastered for that cancer charity?

Nah, it wasn't weird. It was kind of cool, actually. I felt good about doing it.

Who bought those things?

I don't even know.

Do you ever wonder what they're doing?

Nah. Who cares. I don't know.

Who's better, Geto Boyz or 2 Live Crew?

That's a tough one. It depends on what you're talking about. Rapping content, Geto Boyz are better. But as far as getting the party started, 2 Live Crew. I kind of quit listening to rap a year and a half ago when I got that guitar. I kind of hate rap now.

Describe the last time you got kicked out of the bar.

The other night at the Witchcraft show. It wasn't even me. I was guilty by association. It was fucked up. I wanted to go so bad, paid $24 for me and my friends to get in, bought like $85 in drinks, and then my friend gets kicked out and I have to leave to. GBA, Guilty By Association.

You got a fella?

No. I'm socially defunct at the moment, I think. Dysfunctional? Whatever that is. I put myself out there; I think I'm just too psycho. I don't know what my problem is. It's not working for me these days.

Since you're so tough, do people ever assume you like girls?

Oh yeah, all the time. Yeah. All the time.

Do girls ever make the moves on you?

Yeah, sometimes, I always just chalk it up to them being really friendly. I never catch on until afterwards.